How did you (or did you?) Tell them?

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11JB68

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How did you (or did you?) Tell them?
« on: July 19, 2020, 12:17:57 PM »
Trying to figure out the most humane way to do this while protecting myself.
If I leave... I've been picturing leaving, having him served.
That seems just mean. I do love him, I do I care about him. We've been together over 30 years... To leave without a word??
Do I leave a letter? Started one, it's just so hard for me not to digress into reasons and blame.
Friend says, leave, call him to tell him, have him served.
I think I'm going to try to start virtual therapy this week so I can get some guidance and support with this.
It reminds me of when I went NC with updm. We had one last meeting to try to resolve some stuff. It went badly but I left saying ok things are fine. Later realized it would not work. Sent her a letter saying don't contact me.

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PeanutButter

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Re: How did you (or did you?) Tell them?
« Reply #1 on: July 19, 2020, 12:56:14 PM »
 This isnt a recommendation on what is best but just what I personally did.

 I left without saying anything. There was nothing left to say. There was no chance at a conversation of reason or common sense. It would have been more circular arguing over whatever emotions they were currently experiencing.

If there is a hidden seed of evil inside of children adults planted it there -LundyBancroft  Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong good or bad -DebbieFord The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none -Thomas Carlyle

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clara

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Re: How did you (or did you?) Tell them?
« Reply #2 on: July 19, 2020, 01:18:17 PM »
 :yeahthat:  Me, too.  Just told him I'd rented an apartment and was moving out.  Since it was a done deal, there was nothing to discuss.  That night I took a few things to the apartment, and slept on the floor until I got my heavier stuff moved (with the help of several friends including a couple of guys, so he couldn't interfere).  On the surface, it may sound harsh and heartless, but I'd been sending signals long enough about my dissatisfaction with the marriage, and which he chose to ignore, so I assumed he wouldn't take talk of my leaving seriously, either.  He never took anything i said seriously, or thought about for longer than a nanosecond.  He only noticed when I took action.

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11JB68

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Re: How did you (or did you?) Tell them?
« Reply #3 on: July 19, 2020, 02:33:13 PM »
Clara, I feel like even saying to him "I'm moving out"as PB said above.... Would just turn into emotional chaos and circular arguing, threats of suicide etc.
I just don't feel capable of handling that.

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mrconfused

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Re: How did you (or did you?) Tell them?
« Reply #4 on: July 19, 2020, 02:44:50 PM »
Clara, I feel like even saying to him "I'm moving out"as PB said above.... Would just turn into emotional chaos and circular arguing, threats of suicide etc.
I just don't feel capable of handling that.

That's exactly what my partner did about 5 weeks ago when I tried to leave. It's impossible to deliver this message whilst face to face and under the same roof.

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GettingOOTF

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Re: How did you (or did you?) Tell them?
« Reply #5 on: July 19, 2020, 04:05:19 PM »
My situation was different as I got him out the house first. He figured it was another separation. Iíd taken him back before.

I told him over the phone that I had started divorce proceedings.

I had a lot of guilt and insecurity around the divorce. Turns out it was misplaced. He landed on his feet without much of a second glance once he realized I was serious.

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JustKeepTrying

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Re: How did you (or did you?) Tell them?
« Reply #6 on: July 19, 2020, 09:30:46 PM »
11JB68

I spoken up before under handle "WhatTheHey" and as I said I delivered the summons after I moved out.  He left for work and I moved out that day.  The summons were delivered when he returned home.  My lawyer informed me when it was delivered.  I texted hi that I was safe with the kids.  I also left a letter but did not go into the reasons why.  I left those angry feelings go in another letter that I later burned ceremoniously among friends. 

I had worked with my therapist as well.  There were several tests/benchmarks so to speak.  If he held up his promise of therapy; no rages; etc.  None of that happened and I had told him/warned him that I would only stay if he got help. 

I still love him - or love the good times that we had.  32 years we were married.  Still hard for me.  But each day is better.

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Stillirise

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Re: How did you (or did you?) Tell them?
« Reply #7 on: July 19, 2020, 11:25:33 PM »
I secretly went to the lawyer to sign the documents for filing. Then, the next morning, I left on a pre-planned 5-day trip with just me and the children.  I called him when I was about an hour away to tell him Iíd filed.  He started raging and going completely sideways on the phone, but I simply told him it was a courtesy call, so that he wouldnít have to be served at work, and hung up.

He still likes to complain about the timing of my filing, and the method in which I told him about it, but I really donít care. It was absolutely not safe for me to try and tell him in person, and he would have been bitter and angry no matter the method or time.  I recommend to do what you feel is best for your sanity and safety.
You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, Iíll rise.
óMaya Angelou

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pushit

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Re: How did you (or did you?) Tell them?
« Reply #8 on: July 20, 2020, 02:57:15 AM »
I'm sure you've read my story so I won't go into details.  Emotional abuse of me and the kids, financial abuse and manipulation, turning the kids against me, escalating towards physical abuse, all that was going on.  On the advice of my lawyer, she was served at work.  My L told me to remain living in the house but I was afraid to fall asleep in that house so I told him no way and got a hotel.  exPDw initially got angry and had me served with divorce papers a few days later and tried to keep the kids from me.  Then, she had a mental health episode and I ended up with the kids for two weeks until she got cleared by a T that she was not a danger to them.

I honestly have no idea what the fallout was on her side of the equation.  I'm sure she told all kinds of stories to her family that I wouldn't be able to reconcile even if I spoke with my in-laws.  I only cared about the safety of my kids at that time, I let the flying monkeys fly.  Later in the divorce she made multiple attempts to reconcile, but it was far too late for that.  She said nice things to me, but her actions said otherwise.  I felt bad for her at times, because I saw how sad she was when we exchanged kids.  But.....she brought it on herself.  All she had to do was treat me well, it's not that hard.

What does all that mean?  18 months later, she continues the same exact behavior towards me as she did during the marriage.  Lies, manipulation, selective miscommunication, etc.  Evan after all the fake sweetness during her reconciliation attempts.  The only difference is I have space now so the effect is minimal.  Actions speak louder than words.  For the last 5 years, if she would have ever had an honest conversation with me I would have been a willful participant.  I trust her as far as her actions allow me to.  If I had felt guilt in the early days of the divorce, those feelings would not have served what the kids and I need.  We now have space to have healthy relationships, and we wouldn't if I had hesitated.

I say you have him served, let the dust settle, and if there is a time and space for an honest conversation in the future then have it.  Until then, observe his actions and ignore the words and guilt.


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Blackbird11

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Re: How did you (or did you?) Tell them?
« Reply #9 on: July 20, 2020, 10:55:49 AM »
What I learned is that I could never do anything "right" in the eyes of my stbxuPDh. Even when I was fully cooperating and participating in the marriage, trying to go along to get along.

It's admirable to want to soften the blow for them, but ultimately you have to do what's right and safe for you.



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Poison Ivy

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Re: How did you (or did you?) Tell them?
« Reply #10 on: July 20, 2020, 01:35:42 PM »
This: "All she had to do was treat me well, it's not that hard."

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Outofhere

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Re: How did you (or did you?) Tell them?
« Reply #11 on: July 20, 2020, 05:08:37 PM »
I'm with the 'get out first' approach, that's how I did it because I knew any attempt at a conversation was impossible - if we could talk we wouldn't have been at that point but with him, any talk he didn't control would turn into a terrifying rage.  He went to work, I grabbed the dogs and a suitcase and left. Eight months I've been gone, and he's starting again with the "If you don't come back I have no reason to live." It worked in the past. It isn't working anymore. I notified the right people of his intentions - I can't help him or fix him, I understand that.

You can't let guilt hold you back from doing what's right for yourself. When my husband told me he never cared how I felt when he was attacking me, why am I supposed to care how he feels about my leaving. He didn't care about me when I was there, he only used my empathy to his advantage. As for how to leave, you have to judge for yourself the risk and whether it's worth taking it for the sake of his feelings.  Consider your own safety and mental well being first and foremost.

PeanutButter put it perfectly:

This isnt a recommendation on what is best but just what I personally did.

 I left without saying anything. There was nothing left to say. There was no chance at a conversation of reason or common sense. It would have been more circular arguing over whatever emotions they were currently experiencing.



This first hurdle is a big one, but once you start living life without the toxicity, you'll be amazed how much better life can be.