Getting sick of the love bombing etc...

[tragedy or hope]

It's a shame I cannot trust any nice thing my unpdh does for me. It is beginning to make me feel angry because I feel like I am being played. I like to think good stuff comes from the hand of God no matter who gives it... but I am living with someone who has never been trustworthy with my feelings.

Everything and I mean everything seems to be "if you would like to do it, is that what you want to do..." etc. He will not say what he wants.

We spent the whole day yesterday on our boat on the river. Talked about nothing, NOTHING. How hot or cold it was, water temp... etc. He had a fab time. I did too because he is trying to convince me he is a good person. He baited a hook and had me reel it in. Said I caught the fish. That makes me feel angry. I feel like he is treating me like a child. The fish was on the hook before I reeled it in. It was his cast. He does stuff like that with my grandchildren. I fell for it because he was being pleasant.

He started a bible study at my encouragement (foolish me, I wanted him out of the house for awhile each week) with men in the area. He announced, "I am the teacher." Some left, a few flying monkies stayed who give him praise each week. I don't see a sincere spiritual bone in his body at home.

He submits to no ones teaching and has negative and critical things to say about everyone, except for one famous pastor because at one time he was on a basketball court with him so he claims he knows him.

I am really uncomfortable with all of this today. This week he invited an old friend from another state to come visit. I was friends with the wife in middle school. We don't communicate. This guy is one of his many phone flying monkies he calls when I am not at home. He is terrified it seems when he is alone and is on the phone for hours when I am not here. I prefer no visit.

I mean to say something here but I am not sure. I think I am actually jealous of many of the things he is doing. BUT I am not that kind of person anyway. I think he has gotten into my head! I am more of an empath. I don't do well or like a lot of acquaintances.  A good friend or two is enough.

I don't like that he tells these people our business. Not too personal, but he is easily influenced. If they took a drive somewhere, a week later he is suggesting the same drive. It makes me mad and I don't know why. I think he got this new doing everything I want from one of the guys in his group. The guy seems to hate his ex. and his wife now is home alone all the time. I don't think he likes women.  Its as if I/she is being maintained. Insulting.

However, it's this cutesy love bombing that I do not trust. I actually feel very abandoned in it. It is no substitute for a real relationship by far. which I know I will never have with my unpdh. Acceptance seems to be my answer today.  I don't like that other people like him so much. They don't see who he really is with me! The dilemma of the pd marriage...

[1footouttadefog]

I think what  you are describing would leave me feeling alone and not really known.

It seems like your interactions with him are very superficial and in the surface. 

Being that relationships for normal people are about being known as a person and Intimacy, this sounds hollow. 

Was the relationship ever better for you?

[tragedy or hope]

1foot,

Thanks for your response. Wow, you hit the nail on the head. That is exactly what I have been journaling about this morning.  In the early years, it was more intimate. I realize I have become a very strange person to family and friends because of my long term relationship with him.

Now I see glaringly why he has been so empty. I had only discovered this site in the last year. A friend suggested unpdh. So now it is all staring me in the face. They are really good at pretending they can communicate.

I still mull over options. Every once in awhile he thinks I am going to leave him. He knows how awful he can be and he knows he is a horrible person inside, he can admit that. He does try. He does apologize, he has said he wants to have a more intimate relationship, but he also says he does not know what to do to get it. There's the rub. He only knows to do not be. He cannot just BE who he is, because no one is home in there.

I feel that I have to grieve what I never had. I was a "child" in an adult body. Raised in alcoholic family, I had childish hope that tomorrow would be better.

Now I know they do not change. EVER ever ever. That is still a big pill to swallow. My spiritual convictions have kept me here. Honestly, I have a nice life otherwise and would be living in my senior years in poverty if I made changes.

Everyday is not bad. I figure I live like a person who does not have a partner emotionally. Before I used to fight for it. Things are much more calm since I have learned he "just ain't got it to give."

Knowing that N's are extremely hard to get away from and will ruin life even after you leave... I am too old to even want to deal with that. He would be sure I suffered in the worst ways. His retributions are harsh and endless.

I am a grateful member of Al Anon. I have found a lot of help and hope. The difference... sometimes alcoholics change. Narcissists never do.

Thank you for caring and sharing.

[PeanutButter]

He knows how awful he can be and he knows he is a horrible person inside, he can admit that. He does try. He does apologize, he has said he wants to have a more intimate relationship, but he also says he does not know what to do to get it. ... He only knows to do not be. He cannot just BE who he is, because no one is home in there.

IME I had to learn how to give myself compassion, acceptance, and love before I had any of those to give to anyone else because I am an ACoA (abuser not alcoholic). My parents were empty of emotional intelligence. You cannot give what you dont have. You dont have what you have not been given. Its a vicious cycle.
Maybe the next time he asks you what to do; tell him it requires he find his true self, (broken, buried under all the defences including the false self) then love and accept his true self, before he can ever give you what you need. IMO
As long as he self hates with beliefs such as 'he is a horrible person inside' then he cannot love you or any one else ime.