Trying to Understand

[Flowerchild]

I have received such helpful feedback here.
As I grieve not having attended my daughter's wedding, I have racing thoughts going through my head.
If you have read my posts, maybe you have seen that we have been a family dealing with the hidden addiction of my separated outwardly "christian" husband of 26 years...the father of my children. The extent of his sex/porn addiction and acting out as a Peeping Tom was exposed 6 years ago, after 20 years of marriage.  He was fired from his job and reported, but never arrested because the place he was caught peeping didn't press charges because they were afraid of going out of business.  Everything that came out about him was a shock to many people because of the outward image he had in our church and community.

Throughout the marriage in our home, there was a very bazaar dynamic that I couldn't understand, because his addiction was unknown and I didn't understand that the dynamics were "abusive". His abusive ways were somewhat covert, but also non covert.  Nevertheless, I did know that things were not normal but, because I could never imagine what was at the root of it all, I could not explain things.  My health deteriorated and I felt helpless to leave or get help. Despite this confusion, I purposed to be a very good mom and protect them from harm. I remember always trying to protect them from overhearing any arguments between my husband and I, though he wasn't as concerned.   Even if he was treating me badly, I always tried to foster a good relationship between he and the children by not openly criticizing him in front of the children. Although, I did have a sense of protectiveness of them with him as well, since he seemed to be so passive and unprotective of the kids (this I came to find out was because he was consumed with a hidden life of addiction)
I love my children very much.  I have my education degree and homeschooled the kids with joy and delight.  I engaged them in alot of hobbies and social events and feel like I was gifted in spotting the individual talents of each child, which I found creative ways to nurture. My mothering style was nurturing and very attentive. I enjoyed my children.  I still enjoy them.  I have close friends who say that my biggest fault was in being TOO nurturing.  Maybe so. They are all generous positive contributors to any community they live in, make friends easily, and are creative/critical thinkers.  They all use their gifts generously.

Throughout my kids' lives, they saw me being involved in many forms of ministry or active outreach.  They became a part of many of those outreaches with me, as is natural. Helping many people in need, church ministry, special olympics, taking in injured wild animals of all sorts, fostering pets that others could no longer care for, ministering to sad people...etc. Since I was a little girl, I have had a tender and compassionate heart.  I don't say any of this to be boastful. 

I read somewhere that I can't recall...(it was at the beginning stages of my confusions with my oldest daughter 6 years ago), that, sometimes  daughters end up turning against their Christian mothers if they don't feel like they can live up to her standard.  Has anyone read a book or article that talks about this?  Sometimes I wonder if this is the case with my daughter, because her slander of me and false accusations are not representative of me at all...in fact, it seems she needs to attack my strengths...by making them look like my weaknesses. Again, I don't want to be misunderstood, I do not focus on my strengths as a form of boasting, I am simply needing to ponder these things with honest self awareness.  Furthermore, the things she says about me, are actually weaknesses of hers, that, if she would focus on building up her own character, she could overcome and be a better person. I have never shamed her and I always encouraged her own unique gifts and talents...and she had/has many. I never expected her to have the same strengths as me, nor me hers.  I believe that what she has done with me and continues to do  is called "projection".

For instance, she now says that I was physically abusive to her.  This is not true at all, because I never even spanked my kids.  When she had her first boyfriend and was around 14-15, she became very violent toward me.  Her siblings were witnesses to this stressor that I privately struggled so much to navigate.  In her violence toward me, I never once struck her in return in any way.  It was not even a temptation.   A second example, is that now she tells others that I  was only involved with the disabled because I "hated them and wanted someone I could belittle".  This is so far from the truth, it feels surreal to me to think she could really think this about me.  However, for her, she is not so naturally compassionate with the disabled, and, at times, could say not-so-nice things about them.  Again, this is not something I ever said to her, I simply continued to be involved in the lives of disabled friends and she was a part of that.  I think she mostly enjoyed it.

Please share any thoughts or resources you may know of regarding if this is a phenomenon.

Another possibility I have thought of, is that, for this particular daughter, she use to be the one to notice when her father was treating me badly or neglecting me.  She would, as a young girl, tell my (now separated) husband, how lucky he was to have me as a wife, how cool I am, and how he needed to treat me better. This was until she started going through puberty and had her first boyfriend (it was an innocent relationship, and highly supervised...they were 14 and visited each other when we were all around and at his house with his family).  There was a period of time when I think she would have wished that I would have left my husband but I was not able to because of my health issues and financial strains.  I have recently read somewhere that some children can develop "post traumatic narcissism" by watching a parent be helpless.  Does anyone know anything about that?  Could it be that my daughter had to turn on me in order to save her own sanity as she stood by and watched me helpless to his neglect and treatment of me, since she loved me so much?  Again, after my sep h addiction was exposed, we have stayed separated.  He has been in and out of recovery and put our entire family on a roller coaster.  It has been devistating financially, yet, I have maintained boundaries with him.
I even separated across the country from him in a giant leap of faith.  I have done everything I can to get away from his abuse.  My oldest daughter has applauded me mostly...until my sep h started his smear campaign with her in March, after finding out about her upcoming engagement. He had very little contact with her until then.  It was his last ditch effort at walking her down the aisle.  So, now, my oldest daughter is not only hostile toward me, she now acts like her dad has been the heroic parent and spouse!   It's insane. 
But I do wonder if her confusions began as a self preservation effort?

I know one day I will have to stop trying to understand her and everything surrounding this heartache.  But, for now, this is where I am at.

I appreciate any thoughts or articles on the above possibilities.
There is very little that I can find written about daughters doing this to mothers.  Most of what I see on the internet is about horrible mothers...which I am sure my daughter is reading alot of, fueling her stories.

Thanks again.
FC 

[PeanutButter]

  from me (as a daughter and as a mother) one heartbroken soul to another.

Once we become adults in order to heal and be productive we must take responsibility for ourselves. This includes imo even though I was abused that does not give me a pass to harm others even my abuser.

IME then even if you had unintentionally hurt her emotionally that does not give her an excuse to continue to try to 'punish' you. From what you've shared imo it sounds like she may be 'stuck' in this state. IMO That is not healthy and she cant ever be happy unless she focuses on some other way forward.

My ubpdM was a sexual/physical abuse survivor. But that does not excuse her continued lashing out behaviors and punishing intentions towards others. It does not excuse her abusing her FOC.

Maybe you would relate to the experiences of parental alienation.

My ubpdM was covertly alienating me and my sibs from enD while we were an intact family.

Its now accepted that there can be alienation without a divorce having happened.

Parental alienation IS child abuse.

Did you end up sending a letter to her fiance and his family ? If so do you know if they have witnessed anything yet?

Do you think someone else abused her at that time when she first started making these claims?

From what I have read/heard a child seeing a parent be abused by a spouse has the exact SAME effect of the child being abused themselves.
https://verbalabusejournals.com/about-abuse/domestic-abuse-faqs/witnessing-domestic-abuse-children/ http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/children_witnessing_domestic_violence.html

Could your H have been abusive to your D? IMO Certianly many of us ime did not know what constitutes emotional/psycological abuse. It can be very covert (covered) and insidious.
"COVERT TACTICS
Many emotional abusers use covert tactics as well as overt tactics. But some abusers ONLY use covert tactics. The covert tactics are the most difficult to identify yet they are the ones that brainwash you, make you feel crazy, and destroy you."
https://www.confusiontoclaritynow.com/blog/covert-abuse-tactics

One other resource, not necessarily connected to your situation as far a it being a mother daughter thing but to smear campaigns in general and how to respond
http://family-court-corruption.com/narcissism/how-to-deal-with-a-smear-campaign-without-losing-your-sanity/

[Flowerchild]

Hi Peanut Butter,
Thank you for the thoughts and information.
I think the abuse the children witnessed was gaslighting and such insane crazy making. He would oftentimes make me look like I was crazy in front of the kids. Especially when i would catch him in a lie and confront him, (prior to dday), he would deny the lie then in a rage insist that I was "paranoid", "unforgiving", or "making a big deal out of nothing". Storm out of the room tipping over furniture...squeal out of the driveway in his car...to make sure he appeared rightfully angry at me enough to leave the kids assuming I had done something bad enough to warrant that reaction in him.

That happened so often. Especially because he was so committed to appearing christian while hiding a double life.

He would gang kids up against me.

As I work through all this, i realize my mom did this to me alot to. And she was at our house every weekend and on every vacation.

I had boundaries up but my strength and stamina grew weary. I also suffered sickening severe migraines and thyroid problems throughout which compromised my ability to fight against it all.

Everything i am realizing in hindsight, as I learn, grieves me.
It grieves me to know that I am a good mom and the safe parent. My oldest daughter will need me one day if she doesnt already.
I was always the one she could go to in her darkest moments.
My sep h has stolen me away from her by his parental alienation. I do agree that is what he has covertly done throughout our marriage since having kids.
Thank you for suggesting that.
I found an article that talks about the '8 Msnifestations of Parental Alienation Syndrome" and my daughter fits all 8 in every way. Pretty revelational.

Are there support groups for the alienated parent and siblings?

Thank you again.
FC

[PeanutButter]

.... ..He would gang kids up against me. ....
As I work through all this, i realize my mom did this to me alot to. And she was at our house every weekend and on every vacation.....
...Are there support groups for the alienated parent and siblings?...

Thats what ubpdM did. She tried to get us on her 'side' even though she was the one 'acting out' just like your sepH.

As an adult but a little too late to prevent it completely I also realized my ubpdM did this to me. She talked bad about me to my little boy because I wasnt the same religion as she was.

I also know that my older uhpdSis also had adult themed conversations criticizing me to my children.

When I left my unpdxH he srtarted talking bad about me. Blaming me for the marriage failure and divorce.

Ill never know the extent of what my children have been told probably. I do know it changed my place in their lives. In my FOO and my unpdxH's FOO it is a multi generational disfunction that is being passed down to the next generations.

I havn't found support groups. There is unfortunately very little out there. What I did find were 'blogs' and 'individuals' who were telling their stories because they noticed there isnt much support out there for the parent who is targeted in parental alienation.

Its been awhile since Ive looked I think Ill do that again.

I know Ive seen at least a couple of parents who this is just starting to happen over on the Coparenting board.

Its so incredibly sad! Its pointless, uneccessary trauma!

[1footouttadefog]

It has to be terrible and painful to have your relation with this child in such a bad place. 

You mentioned that they are all doing well and are positive participants in the communities where they live.  Maybe focus on that fact.  Don't try to figure it out or fix it.  Just accept that the relationship minimal at this time and hope and pray it will be better in the future
Playing the part of analyst or therapist will likely not lead to a happier situation, especially it it comes through in your interactions with her or if she hears about it third hand.

This strained relationship could be the result of many or a combination of factors.  She may have a genetic tendency toward being a pD person, that is might have brain chemistry in that direction, or may have developed fleas.  Could be she is processing her trauma by laying blame or being influenced by her need to keep a relationship with her father. Lots of issues could be at play. 

I would set boundaries against abuse with her and apply the tools on this website and keep it all cool.  Then you can hope things change over time. 

[PeanutButter]

I had boundaries up but my strength and stamina grew weary. I also suffered sickening severe migraines and thyroid problems throughout which compromised my ability to fight against it all.
Everything i am realizing in hindsight, as I learn, grieves me.

IME there was nothing you could have done to stop it.
https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/the-3-cs-rule
"I didn't Cause it, I can't Cure it, and...I can't Control it."

I know that being 'momma' we want to protect our children from everything. But we are only human also. We can only control ourselves. We cant make up for a disordered dad or a disordered grandma.

I had to work hard on forgiving myself because when I first had my son I convinced myself that I could shield him from being effected by unpdH. It was many years before I admited I wasnt able to do that and then many many years before I forgave myself.

It grieves me to know that I am a good mom and the safe parent. My oldest daughter will need me one day if she doesnt already.
I was always the one she could go to in her darkest moments.
My sep h has stolen me away from her by his parental alienation. I do agree that is what he has covertly done throughout our marriage since having kids.

Yes she may. She does probably. But it hurts her too much to believe the truth about her dad. She would rather have her dad than not. IMO She has you. She knows you will hold steady for her. Her dad wont. She has to take his side for him to be there. (based on IME and what Ive read about PA (parental alienation))

[Flowerchild]

These replaies have been very helpful. Thank you. I needed to be reminded that she could always know I would love her unconditionally and her father does not communicate his love in a healthy way. I think its true that she had to side with him in order to have a relationship with him...while she and everyone in my life has always known they could rely on my forgiveness and mercy...to a fault!