Breaking up and going no contact

Started by Oof908, July 19, 2020, 10:02:20 PM

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Oof908

For the last 18 months my exbf and I have been on and off.  He has lied to me cheated on.me stood me up on Thanksgiving and other holidays.  Yet I keep going back to him.  I go no contact for a month or so then he reaches out and I go threw the cycle all over again.  I'm successful in every other way but this relationship.  We started dating 5 years ago and up until the 3 and h ad of year mark were pretty happy.   He has a drug problem and asked one of the several women he was seeing behind my back to.marry him when she got out of jail.   And I still go back to him.  I've never had to go threw ther ad post in my entire life but I've now been going for the last 6 months.  Can someone help me?

notrightinthehead

Welcome!

Some people have compared being in an unhealthy relationship to an addiction, and there are many similarities - as you describe going back against one's better judgement - knowing full well that we will get hurt again.  The only way out of an addiction is to face it, acknowledge it, get help. work on yourself. There are many people on this forum doing just that.

You might find reading the Toolbox and Personality disorders tabs useful. See you around on the boards.
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

PeanutButter

Welcome. Im glad that you have recognised you have a choice to not go back! Thats important!

Right now you also are not ready to stop the cycle. IMO accepting where you are at is important.

Love yourself! Give yourself compassion NOT judgements! This is an important step. Untill you feel you are worth more and deserve better you wont move on without him.

But its not that simple either.

For me this wasnt my first time. My origional model for this was in the relationship with ubpdM.

This is what I now know was happening: http://psychopathsandlove.com/intermittent-reinforcement/

Understanding that this is NOT love nor anything even similar is imperative. I had to get honest with myself about his behavior. This was not how you treat someone whom you care about.

The pain of the seperating no matter how excruciating was NOT evidence of how deep I loved him! It was evidence of how horrible he was being to me!

His behavior was unacceptable but I did not register that in my mind. I focused on my emotional pain and chased putting an end of that pain by returning even though more pain was sure to come.

So I would tell you imo ask yourself what you are telling yourself? Slow down, get quiet, and listen carefully to what thoughts, inner narrative, and emotions are guiding you to go back every time.

Alot of mine were fear based.

Get brutally honest with yourself if you can. It will hurt. But you can overcome that pain. That pain will eventually subside.

If there is a hidden seed of evil inside of children adults planted it there -LundyBancroft  Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong good or bad -DebbieFord The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none -Thomas Carlyle

Outofhere

Ask yourself this:

If I read a profile listing all his behaviors, would you want to date this person?

If my dearest friend/little sister/cousin/whoever was dating this guy, what would I advise them?

If he was treating me decently, would I even be here, reading this right now?

Give yourself permission to let go of what isn't right for you and live the way you deserve. It took me too many years to learn that lesson, but better late than never. I have been where you are now, and it doesn't get better. But this forum helped me to realize I didn't have to tolerate it anymore. As PeanutButter said: Get brutally honest with yourself if you can. It will hurt. But you can overcome that pain. That pain will eventually subside.

The pain not only subsides, but I don't live with fresh helpings being piled on. Living with my husband was like banging my head against the wall -- it felt great when I stopped!