Reflecting on relationship with uBPDsis & FOO

[yellowdaisy]

TW: emotional abuse
All of the conversations in this post are paraphrased.

I originally came to this forum for my relationship with uPDMIL, and have decided to finally delve into the much larger, confusing dynamic that is me(26), uBPD sister(30) and (possibly uOCPD) mom. I wasn't sure which board to post this in, decided on the siblings one bc my sister has actually been told by a T that she most likely has BPD. Not sure how this will be structured, I may post a second one on the parents board if I can separate out the issues well enough. I've avoided focusing on the toxicity in my FOO for a long time, so there's a lot to sift through/unpack, thanks for sitting with me through it.

Some background: uBPD sis and I were the only 2 kids, dad left when I was 4. Mom got multiple jobs so sis and I were either home by ourselves a lot or with grandparents. For about 2 years, we didn't see much of dad but after the divorce was settled we began doing every other weekend visits. The environment there was not appropriate for children as my dad is an alcoholic. Dad had a new gf at this time and literally on the car ride for the first visit, he dropped the bomb that we had a half brother who was about to turn 1. Our mom at this time got a new bf (also an alcoholic) and started spending most weekends at his house, leaving us with our dad or grands. So looking at our childhood, it's likely my sister has BPD, I definitely believe it. For awhile I thought I may have it too, but I explored that notion and have figured I was probably acting from learned behaviors from sis rather than my own self, since growing into an adult I do not fit any of the criteria for having BPD.

Anyway, so there's been a lot of rocky and questionable things that have occurred with my sis, but I will save all that for another time and focus on the most recent event that happened ~4 months ago. Sis and I have always been close (or so I thought, but now I'm thinking, were we close? or more like thrown together and were pushed to be close?) I can recall several times our mom telling us that we "needed" each other, that we were "lucky to have one another". This was usually her response whenever we would argue, instead of addressing the issue, mom would scold us for not being "grateful" for having one another. My sis was expected to take care of me while mom was away or working. Now that I'm older I realize sis was parentified and shouldn't have been expected to fill in for my dad's absence. I'm sure from this  a lot of resent towards me grew. Over the years, into our teen years, she would punish/bully me, but then be my best friend an hour later. She would make me wait on her like a servant, lock me in the basement when she got mad, when we were older she would hook up with my male friends and ex boyfriends. We have fought like cats and dogs, but then she'll act like my BFF the next day. All of the issues are unresolved because there has never been any "working it out" and it has always been me coming to her first and apologizing, even when I hadn't done anything wrong. We've always had a very hot and cold relationship and were most likely enmeshed. This is what I need help with, detaching and setting up boundaries. I've already detached some, but need to be prepared so I don't get sucked back in.

I had my son about 2 years ago, since I became pregnant my relationship with sis improved tremendously.  We were friends, no significant dramas occurring. She was in a serious relationship, living with him for about 5 years, her DD(8) calls him her step dad. I consider this guy to be my BIL. Through out sis's relationship she had been telling me about how BIL is moody, controlling and extremely jealous. This is a known thing in our family that he is this way. There was a time when I was well into my pregnancy, sis and I took her DD to the doctor and on the way home DD was cranky so we dropped her off at home with BIL so we could pick up some food for everyone. After dropping off DD and driving to get the food though, sis's phone starts blowing up with texts and calls from BIL demanding to know where she was and what we were doing, even though she already told him. It took us about 30 min to get the food and go back. Later I found out from sis that he was paranoid we were out and doing something "suspicious".

Since being with BIL sis's mental/physical health has deteriorated, I have witnessed her out of the blue pass out and throwing up, my mom has told me sis was "not eating so she could lose weight". Sis is not overweight, if she is it's a few pounds. She is on antianxiety and depression meds. Sis also stopped asking me to hang out with her alone, which we used to do often. BIL always has to be there and eventually that even stopped too. They actually met through me, BIL was my coworker, and we used to all hang out together often. I have heard from mom that BIL questions her and sis about what they do when they go out together and that BIL gets jealous when sis hangs out with his SIL.

Here's the event: ~4 months ago due to COVID we were doing a family video chat (sis and mom's idea, sis BIL and niece live with mom) except in the video, sis and mom weren't paying any attention to DH and I. We spent 2 hours playing hangman with our niece and the times in between just staring at sis and mom on their phones. Literally. DH even asked what was wrong with them after the call ended. So the next day, I was chatting with mom and confided in her my concerns about sis, mainly about how her and I don't seem to spend much time together anymore and I wondered if this had to do with BIL being controlling (again, this is well known in my family, it's not a secret) I also asked if anything was wrong because they seemed distracted/tired during the video call. This is where I messed up. I was talking to my mom first to get some advice bc sis can get defensive/hostile with any perceived criticism towards her, you have to bring up things gently with her.

Mom was being extremely aloof and acting like she had no idea how BIL is and said "idk he's just weird" and said I was "reading into it too much". Mom has called me in the past to complain about BIL several times and how she wants him and sis to break up because BIL is "bringing her down". I brought up the recent time of my sister passing out while I was visiting and reiterated that I was concerned for her as my sister and looking for some advice on how to go about discussing it with her. I wanted to let sis know I was there if she needed to talk or in trouble, I don't know if this was an enmeshed thing for me to do or if I crossed boundaries. Sis has called me in the past to help her during some attempts to leave BIL, I figured if sis has openly discussed her relationship with me before, this was okay and not over stepping boundaries. She lives with mom and seems to be fairly open with talking to her also so I didn't think I was sharing anything that she wouldn't want shared. Was I wrong here? or was I being a concerned sister?

After a few more moments of me talking and getting frustrated that mom all of a sudden had amnesia apparently, she finally goes, "We were all really upset with you going to see your dad during the virus."

I had taken my son to see my dad (lives 5 min from me), the weekend prior to the video chat, we were outside and socially distanced. My mom had called and expressed her anxieties to me about being there and I reassured her we were being safe. 45 min after talking, she texted telling me to "go home". At the time I thought this was her paranoia/anxiety, this is where her suspected OCPD comes in, she is always anxious about me going out and has always been paranoid about something bad happening, she even jokes about it herself and recognizing that she has these anxieties(not sure if its OCPD but that's for another time).

She is now telling me her and sis were both very upset I had visited my dad and that's why they acted that way during the video call.

So I then try to discuss this calmly with her, but she got frustrated in the middle when she saw I wasn't going to react or apologize, and hung up the phone. I waited a few minutes and tried calling back, no answer. I then called sis to ask if she was also upset that I visited dad and she picked up the phone obviously angry. I asked if she was okay and she said "yeah" and I said "you sound upset", and she said "I'm not." I then casually asked what she was doing, trying to start a conversation and she said "talking to mom", again angrily. So I then pieced together that my mom had run to sis after hanging up on me. I then asked, "Oh okay, could I explain myself about the convo I had with mom?" She says "yeah", so I start in with relaying the convo and then she abruptly yells at me that "DD is listening! You can't talk about those things while she's listening!" I said "oh alright, I wasn't aware she was there, could we text instead if that works better for you?" And she said fine. Anyway the texting was a nightmare, it was all sis just saying that her relationship is none of my business, and I said I wasn't trying to pry I was more concerned by the distance with OUR relationship and that I was wanting to make sure my sister was okay, she responded with that she has "so much going on" that she's "so stressed", she doesn't need me "adding to it" and that I have "no idea what her life is like" and that she is not okay. This is where I got really confused, where I always get so confused.  This is sis manipulating/confusing me right? If she isn't okay and is saying I have no idea what's going on, wouldn't she think me lending her an ear or shoulder to cry on would be a nice gesture? I realize she doesn't need to share with me and doesn't owe me anything, but it's odd that if you're struggling, to attack someone who is offering some help or to be a friend to vent to. She has openly shared in the past the toxicity in her relationship and has expected me to be there for her in the past, but now that she doesn't want the help and I have no way of knowing unless she tells me, why is her first response to attack me? Am I wrong here? This seems to be a pattern with her. Does she do this so she has an excuse for her behavior? It seems to me she doesn't want anything to be resolved, she wants the chaos to remain so she can hide behind it and use it as an excuse to act out and have people help her when she wants help. Is this accurate?

I ended up really losing my sh*t with sis and told her to not talk to me anymore because I won't put up with the way she speaks to me anymore. I didn't hear anything else from mom or sis. The next week mom showed up announced to drop off an easter basket for DS sis had put together for him. I did my best to medium chill and just thanked her for the basket. A few days later mom sent me photos of sis and I from when we were kids, again I tried MC and said something like "those are cute photos" this continued on for a few weeks until my mom asked if we could talk about what had happened. I agreed and we actually were able to resolve this issue and she apologized, except I could tell she didn't like that I wasn't talking to sis anymore. She continued to passive aggressively try to guilt me into talking to sis, would mention how "upset" sis was about everything and I did my best to MC. But then I decided to have a real talk with mom about sis and address mom's enabling behavior and that I was distancing myself to protect myself. The convo was difficult, but it ended well, with mom actually hearing a lot of things she's never listened to before, except during the convo mom told me hurtful things from the past that sis recently claimed I had to done to sis when in reality sis had done those things to me. I was in shock and disbelief. The things sis accused me of doing to her, are really hurtful, traumatic things that have confused me for a long time, taken me a long time to get over, and that she has never apologized for. This was frightening to experience, her projecting, lying and accusing me of those same things. I don't know if she actually believes I did those things or if she consciously chose to lie. 

So I'm going to wrap up this long post here, since this happened things have been calm, I've been very MC with everyone especially since finally mom has actually listened to the fact that sis is toxic to me, I've been careful not to react emotionally to anything to not get the blame shifted to me again and to not get wrapped up in the drama. I think sis has been on her best behavior bc she knows she outed herself and lashed out at me, and is afraid I will actually exit her life completely. I am okay staying in her life as long as she isn't emotionally abusive towards me anymore. I have accepted the fact she most likely has a PD and that I cannot control or help her. I can only focus on what I can control.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far, there's so much left still to unpack but I feel really good about finally sharing this for the first time. I've never opened up to anyone except for DH about this. Ive always felt the FOG about sharing and staying "loyal" to my family, this is both scary and liberating to share. I would appreciate anyone else who can relate or advice you have for maintaining distance/boundaries with a sibling and how to enforce those boundaries when the parent is enabling. I've read the toolbox, but was researching for my relationship with uPDMIL, I am going to re-study them and begin applying them more with my FOO.
Thank you! 

[Andeza]

It seems to me she doesn't want anything to be resolved, she wants the chaos to remain so she can hide behind it and use it as an excuse to act out and have people help her when she wants help.

That in a nutshell is BPD behavior, at least as I have experienced it. I can't speak about the sibling relationship, as it's my M who has it, but so much of what you were describing is eerily familiar. And that particular line jumped out at me.

On youtube, there is a series of readings from the book "Understanding the Borderline Mother." I know we're talking about your sister, but I think listening to a few episodes might help you process a lot of your experience growing up, especially as she was, in part, a caretaker. It is quite eyeopening concerning the standard set of behavior.

My own M was similarly the caretaker for her little sister when their mother had to go back to work to help support the family. She was forced to parent her little sister, and it shows. Their relationship is messed up to this day. For now, I encourage the use of the "Information diet" in any interaction with your family. It sounds very much as though your sister and mother are now enmeshed, each running to the other with perceived insults at the drop of a hat. No good comes of that kind of thing.

I would prepare yourself, as well, for the possibility that your mother will whip out the broom and do some pro-level rug-sweeping following this latest conversation. If she's also dealing with a PD, given a few weeks or months she is likely to conveniently forget the entire conversation, or worse, twist it in some way that furthers the accepted narrative.

Please take the time to look after yourself during this stress. When I started unpacking all the covert/overt abuse from my childhood it was a real tailspin moment for me. Complicated by being pregnant at the time... It's important to deal with your emotions as they come at this point, accepting and letting them flow as opposed to bottling them up or shutting them down. And doing stress relieving things like meditation, or reading a good book, or simply stopping to smell the roses, will be important to you for a while to come.

By all means, keep posting as you take this journey.

[PeanutButter]

I thought this might be of interest to you. I am not suggesting a diagnosis of anyone in your foo. I have found that info pertaining to narcissist mothers can be relevant to any abusive/neglectful mothers.

https://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/triangulation/
Triangulation is another trick of Narcissistic Mothers.(abusive/neglectful mothers)
It involves creating a situation where two or more people, e.g. siblings, do not relate directly to each other, but mostly relate via the mother. This leaves her at the centre of the web.

This triangulation gives the mother lots of power, of course, and means that she controls the flow of information, the interpretation of that information, and the nuances of it.

It also means that she gets lots of Narcissistic Supply from it because everybody is relating to her, rather than to each other and cutting her out of the loop. 
   
It can be easy to put siblings into a triangulation situation. She has possibly already divided them by making one a Golden Child and the other a Scapegoat...

...Plus, if she's the only source of information, it makes her feel important which is food and drink to a narcissist.

[yellowdaisy]

@Andeza Thank you for the advice and support, just hearing that someone can relate to this kind of family dynamic... I've never experienced that in my life. It's wild and calming and validating knowing someone else has been there too and truly gets it. I'm going to check out those readings and I very much agree with the Info Diet, I think that's the best move for me. Thanks again so much for your kind words and support, I appreciate it.

@PeanutButter That's a great idea, I've found myself searching for literature and resources about my mom, but would mostly come up with 'narcissist mom' results and would feel discouraged, as I felt I wasn't finding the right thing, but you're right, that would help dealing with any neglectful mother and the PD isn't really necessary, it's really more about the behaviors. I will be checking out that link, thanks so much for your support and the resource you've shared.

[PeanutButter]

@PeanutButter That's a great idea, I've found myself searching for literature and resources about my mom, but would mostly come up with 'narcissist mom' results and would feel discouraged, as I felt I wasn't finding the right thing, but you're right, that would help dealing with any neglectful mother and the PD isn't really necessary, it's really more about the behaviors. I will be checking out that link, thanks so much for your support and the resource you've shared.

Thats exactly what I found too. Any and all combination descriptions I googled always came up with NarcMom results. My M is not Narc im pretty sure. But all relationship behaviors can be looked at as on a spectrum from healthy to malignant and all between. So like you said even if its article about Narc Mom even though mine isnt I recognised some of the behaviors ebiet lower on the spectrum so it has helped me.

My ubpdM used triangulation and so did my uhpdS to communicate with me but I didnt recogise that it was problematic. I did in my early 20's wonder 'why dont she tell me directly when she is upset' but didnt know it was a maladaptive way of communicating. UbpdM also confided in me her disappointments in uhpdS and uhpdS's struggles and problems. I was completely enmeshed with uhpdS for years. Anyone who knew me knew that if uhpdS called me because she was in some kind of trauma or drama I dropped everything (anything) and everyone instantly to go running to her rescue.

This stuff is hard to dig into ime. Generously hold compassion for yourself while you examine these dynamics. Go as slow if you need to. IMO its a journey back to our true selfs and we should respect and honor it as a necessary process in our life.