Spouse is away but...

[Cascade]

My pdh is on an extended business trip, one that I was eagerly looking forward to. Even though I'm feeling relaxed with him gone I'm also feeling utterly bored and a little restless. I really want to enjoy this rare break from him and don't understand why I'm not as happy about it as I expected to be. Any thoughts as to why this is?

[Associate of Daniel]

It could be a combination of not knowing what to do with the lack of drama, and the whole Covid restlessness that many people are feeling.

Perhaps a frustration that he's legitimately able to get out and about but you can't?

AOD

[notrightinthehead]

Such an interesting question! I also have sometimes noticed a difference between how I should, or expected to, be feeling and how I actually felt. After my NPDh and I separated I expected to feel exhiliarated and was depressed instead. My explanation for myself is, that I have surrounded myself with PDs in order to be distracted from how I really feel. And that the unpleasant feelings that I felt when I was alone was my base line, and I had a choice to either work on that or go back to filling my life with drama and emotional upset and not feel these unpleasant own feelings anymore.
I am not saying that this is your situation. This is how I understood mine.

[tragedy or hope]

When my unpdh leaves for awhile I think what I feel is the absence of being under constant surveillance, control and observation. I think they are baffled with us. I am observed, and manipulated or controlled ad nauseum.

When I get a break from that... it takes hours, days to really feel free again. They have an uncanny ability to get into our head.

Find a good book, or movie that will take you out of your world for awhile and illicit feelings. Go for a long drive and listen to music you adore. Sing your heart out in the car.  I bet you will feel like yourself in no time. Go do that thing you have been wanting to do.... shop, garden, visit, exercise. Force yourself. N's also have a way of discouraging our creative explorative side.

Get out of the unpdh environment for awhile.  Don't use the phone, go see people even if you have to wear a mask and stand 6 ft. from them. They will help you get a sense of self in this world. They will see and hear you differently than your spouse and you will be validated that not only do you belong in this world but you can belong whether he is near or not. Thank God.

Hope you have some fun with it! Take good care.   

[SparkStillLit]

I think I agree with TorH. I always think I'd be like dropped into a foreign country in my sleep, and I'd wake up and go screaming down the street in freedom (ok not really, that would get me locked up FOR SURE). Maybe more like you've gotten dropped on the moon, NOW what the heck should I do? Although that would still be pretty cool.
Your poor brain can't rebound in a snap from all the usual nonsense. It's trying, but it's not like driving a car and you can just eeeerrrt off on another path. Maybe you could begin by doing stuff you like to do, that you can't normally enjoy, like TorH suggests.
If you have a sport or something 'rona safe that you can do outside the home, what about that? You could be gone ALL DAY and nobody to question your whereabouts or doings!!! Or you could even read your kindle under a tree all day, like the picture, and nobody to say a word about it!
You could watch your favorite trash tv and nobody to interrupt, fiddle with volume, change programs, clatter in backgtound, etc.
You could visit with your double bubble people, or go responsible visiting or coffee having, or hiking....
So many things to do when nobody is meddling!!
You can even shop or get chores done in peace, if you're of a mind to do so.

[SparkStillLit]

All my blathering to say I think you have to busy your mind (with good stuff!!) to fill the void that is created where all the ick normally is. Help it out a bit to get it off that pathway.

[ToAudrey]

Cascade mine hasn't left for more than 4 hours but while a calm comes over the house and I can more easily envision a life without the stress I know they are coming back and I won't know when the next "thing" will happen.

Some really good suggestions posted here. Hope that you can find some things to do that *you* can enjoy and make the most of the peace. Are there interests you dropped or never pursued that you have a chance to revisit now?

[Cascade]

Thanks for all your insight and suggestions. I think maybe a part of the problem is that I don't know exactly when he'll be returning. I never gave up any hobbies because of my husband but one thing I gave up was watching tv, because I'm sure you know what that is like with a PD.

[Boat Babe]

Such an interesting question! I also have sometimes noticed a difference between how I should, or expected to, be feeling and how I actually felt. After my NPDh and I separated I expected to feel exhiliarated and was depressed instead. My explanation for myself is, that I have surrounded myself with PDs in order to be distracted from how I really feel. And that the unpleasant feelings that I felt when I was alone was my base line, and I had a choice to either work on that or go back to filling my life with drama and emotional upset and not feel these unpleasant own feelings anymore.
I am not saying that this is your situation. This is how I understood mine.

That's  a very clear and accurate description of that feelings/behaviour/ghastly situations loop. Know it sooooo well. This is a major focus of my healing work right now, Covid has forced me to spend much more time alone and to "sit with myself". It gets more comfortable.

❤️❤️❤️

[BeautifulCrazy]

It may be the same as what notrightinthehead already noted, but in the past when my life was focused on the PD and his moods, behaviours, activities and dramas, I found it very difficult and disorienting when he wasn't there. It took me years, but the more I worked on my codependency and practiced medium chill when he was around, the more detached and independent I became. Once I was out of the bad habit of orienting my life, time and energy around him, I was able to feel that relief and happiness at being free, even if only for a short time.
Now it's pure relief and joy to be away!

[1footouttadefog]

After being in this site and reading here for years added to my own personal experience these would be some potential reasons for not entirely enjoying the break.....

Because even with him gone you are still in a relationship with problems.

He is still of and the issues surrounding that did not go away while he is gone.

You are likely isolated by the PD relationship and covid makes this worse.

The unhappiness and complexities if being in a relationship with a of can be more in focus when you are not in the midst of PD conflict. You are not in survival mode and can see the larger picture.

It's too short a period of time to let your gard down.

[Frankie14]

After being in this site and reading here for years added to my own personal experience these would be some potential reasons for not entirely enjoying the break.....

Because even with him gone you are still in a relationship with problems.

He is still of and the issues surrounding that did not go away while he is gone.

You are likely isolated by the PD relationship and covid makes this worse.

The unhappiness and complexities if being in a relationship with a of can be more in focus when you are not in the midst of PD conflict. You are not in survival mode and can see the larger picture.

It's too short a period of time to let your gard down.

Yes, to all of this, you are still in a relationship with this person, that WILL be returning, also not telling us when they return is a form of control.  Trying to 'catch you' up to something...they forget we are grown women and will do anything we damn well please, anytime we want to...

Try to go out and just walk around, with mask to get out; make it an outing.

The Covid has made life with the PD's even more unbearable..they are now always around, lurking around, moping about. My PDH doesn't have much 'work' to do tho employed (now working at home indefinitely, FU COVID, FU)..

So, H has A LOT of free time, he is never in 'his office' in the guest room, he is making another coffee, puttering around the house, if I have to take my sons somewhere he will jump in and say I WILL DO IT, and I will say GO TO YOUR OFFICE AND WORK, don't yo have anything to do. 

We are FINALLY allowed out (we are in the north) and I WANT to take my children places (safely of course)...and he has no hobbies and nothing to do.  He might work 2 hours per day.  Sometimes I can get him out of my house to golf with his friends.  But usually per my kids, Dad is in bed watching TV, Dad is in his bed staring at his iPhone, he is not biking, hiking, fishing, he does nothing.

Mine also hasn't left the house for more than 4-5 hours since March 12th...

My kids say things like BUT DAD DOESN'T work, when the neighbors kids say their Dad is in his office 8-6, my kids LOL and say NOT OUR DAD..he's always laying in bed or looking at his phone...he has managed to lose weight while 'working' from home, because he has nothing else to do, so he started walking..

You have read my posts, you know how I worry about this lazy mope in my house not working (much at all) and what a bad influence it is on my sons..9 and 12..

When I leave - I just walk out now, I do not explain where I am going; I didn't want him in this house this long, all day, all night, all weekend...so when the garage door goes up; he texts me, ASAP, WHERE ARE YOU GOING, I no longer respond..

I went to social distance girls night the other night and expected him to tantrum, but I was dressed up and said, I will be back later going to Sally's..and walked right out the door..came back when I damn well felt like it (its my house I solely pay for, H is in debt up to his eyeballs and has been in a cycle of unemployment, debt, broke since he moved into my house after we married...Historocally, if I tried to go to a GNO, I was met with whining you hate me, you can't stand me, I wanted to have s*x tonight, some wife you are...so I backed out and didn't go to GNO...ugh..what was I thinking...especially now...now that we are literally trapped like rats at home..I made a vow once on lockdown, I would never ever let H stop me from doing ANYTHING EVER AGAIN, and he won't...If he tries it will be WORLD WAR 3..

I told H last week to find an office space locally, as his commute to a big city is indefinitely on hold/his company got rid of their city office..and he had a complete tantrum about leaving my house to work in an office..he went into, you hate me, you want me gone, you can't stand me, all the men work from home now (no they don't)...and on and on, and I stood my ground and said by Labor Day you are out of here..I said this is a bad influence on the boys you always home..you need to get out of here.

So, for the rest of us trapped 24/7/365...enjoy your peace...I know its unfamiliar, but please try..

[Cascade]

Frances29, my husband worked at home for about six months recently and it was really difficult having him around all the time. And in the winter there wasn't a lot of work to keep him busy so I experienced some of the same things you have. My husband was so bummed when his boss asked him to come back in to work and I was so, so relieved! I hope you manage to get your husband into that office away from home!