"I'm worried you'll regret it"

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Apparently-wicked

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"I'm worried you'll regret it"
« on: July 24, 2020, 07:29:55 AM »
Said by a dear friend, not a flying monkey but not a very 'conscious' person.

But it frustrates me because it implies things could be different.  I honestly feel I have no choice to go nc after how abusive he was on new years day. Its like they view it that there is something I could do, and that if I don't I'll regret it.

The only two options I have are the usual of letting it go which amounts to invalidating myself or nc. 

How do you explain this to people. That I can't regret something that isnt an option.  I can't regret choosing boundaries. I can't regret acknowledging the reality of my dad's personality disorder.

I sometimes imagine I get a call to say he's on his last legs and I rush there for this healing and closure giving interaction. But I quickly realise while I'm imagining this that it's all on my side.  The yearning to be seen.  The desire for us to meet emotionally.  It's all me. It always has been. 

And I'm ultimately trying to reanimate a corpse.  It's like a chimps tea party. Stick a dress on a wild animal.  Make it look okay! Make it look normal!

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notrightinthehead

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Re: "I'm worried you'll regret it"
« Reply #1 on: July 24, 2020, 07:44:35 AM »
When this happens to me, I answer: You might be right.  I might regret it. Or I might not. This is just something I have to do for now.
I no longer try to make people understand. They might not have own experiences that will allow them to relate.  Most of the people around me were unable to believe the abuse I experienced from my mother. Their mother image was just so different.
Our march to freedom is irreversible. We must not allow fear to stand in our way.  Nelson Mandela

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BefuddledClarity

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Re: "I'm worried you'll regret it"
« Reply #2 on: July 24, 2020, 11:33:29 PM »
Another way I used to frame their concern is replace family member (i.e. "dad") with "boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse/friend/etc"

So if you said "My boyfriend/girlfriend hit me and started calling me names", most good friends would support you for going NC with said partner.

If they try to say "But they're family, that's different" you might be able to have an open and honest discussion with them if they're willing(i.e. "Why do you feel it's different when I say family member's name vs friend?"). I've had friends who were ACoNs with fleas, and didn't understand WHY others go NC with family. It didn't really work when I explained to them.

The only one who saw what was going on was my partner. He is an ACoN like me and after seeing how PDmother is like afterawhile with honest discussions, he's starting to see her true colours and why I act the way I do. He's a lot more supportive of going LC(though not sure if he agrees with NC quite yet, which is something I intend to do).

But if they continue to be "worried you'll regret it", despite trying to have a discussion, it might be best to give the response notrightinthehead mentioned:
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When this happens to me, I answer: You might be right.  I might regret it. Or I might not. This is just something I have to do for now.
I no longer try to make people understand. They might not have own experiences that will allow them to relate.  Most of the people around me were unable to believe the abuse I experienced from my mother. Their mother image was just so different.

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Morocha2015

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Re: "I'm worried you'll regret it"
« Reply #3 on: July 25, 2020, 02:06:02 PM »
I'm really sorry this happened to you. I've learned to be cautious with who I share my story with. I've found that people who have never interacted with PDs often think you could reason with them if you just tried. I had a good friend who tried to convince me of that. It was hard for her to understand, but I would remind her when the topic came up "Yes, that's how you'd react. But you're a healthy person. You listen to reason. My M cannot." I've spoken with other people who get a light in their eye when I explain my situation and they'll say "Whoa, that sounds exactly this person in my life I've struggled with." I've found people who know other PDs or have heard stories similar to mine have been some of my best allies as I've gone NC.

The reality is things will never change, and on the flip side you might also regret allowing yourself to be abused continually. We are all making the best decisions we can with the information we have. And you have support here!

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Liz1018

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Re: "I'm worried you'll regret it"
« Reply #4 on: September 05, 2020, 11:38:49 AM »
Lots of well-meaning people can only understand things from their own worldview. It’s not their fault they respond this way - our experiences are truly unfathomable to most people. It seems unthinkable that parents wouldn’t love their children. So others try to transpose their value systems and life experiences upon ours.

Interestingly, these same folks would respond differently to allegations of physical abuse, which they can understand. In those instances they would squarely support you, no questions asked. Beating a kid makes the parents monsters.

But when it’s emotional/psychological abuse it’s somehow on us to fix the relationship. I think, again, nobody really wants to admit to themselves that parents could be so cruel. A typical response is “get over it,”, “stop blaming your parents for everything,” or the dreaded “I’m afraid you’ll regret it.” As though we are just being petty, spoiled brats. Believe me, I have had enough gaslighting experiences to last 10 lifetimes. It’s amazing how common it is.

I find more and more that the language used is more revealing about them than us. “I’M afraid...” People constantly project their own fears onto other people. Is she afraid you’ll regret it because she will have to deal with and support your pain in a hypothetical situation? Why then now, when your pain is obvious, wouldn’t she say “THEY should regret how they treated you”?

Or is she afraid because SHE would regret it if she were in your situation?  Once again, people are so uncomfortable hearing about abuse that they sometimes unknowingly invalidate our lived experiences. That doesn’t make them bad people, it just means they can’t possibly understand. Our pain should be proof enough, but they still shield themselves from believing the unbelievable. So they defend the abuser.
I have no children (for obvious reasons), but I also find that parents feel the need to support and take sides with other parents. “You don’t have kids so you don’t understand.”
This statement makes my blood boil. It is so condescending and dismissive. I may not have kids but I was a child. They see it as a moratorium on THEIR parenting. Amazing the contortions folks will make to run away from the truth.

A couple of Thanksgivings ago (at that point 3 years NC) my uBPD sister FB messaged my sister-in-law (DH’s brothers wife) asking her to tell me how much she missed me, lived next, etc. They are not FB Friends. SIL has never responded to her, nor did she that day. But still, SIL felt the need to tell me this happened at the large family gathering, which should have been a happy day.

I was visibly upset and her words were “Maybe she really DOES miss you.” I broke out in tears and had to leave the room. I almost had to leave the party entirely, but that would have caused much more of a stir, so I found a quiet place to calm down.

What hurt the absolute most was that SIL in essence, by responding this way,  took my sister’s side by invalidating my choice to go NC. I could tell she felt horrible about it, and I know it was not intentional, but I just avoided her for the rest of the day. I didn’t want to get upset again. After that, I just couldn’t deal with SIL. I am usually the one who reaches out to her & we have always had a good, if it too deep, relationship.  But I didn’t contact her  for awhile. She reached out to me eventually, and at Christmas I was the recipient of a generous gift.

As much as my rational brain knows her intentions were good, I am not sure I will ever get over the pain of my pain of my very hard choice being questioned and rejected by someone who is supposed to support me. It’s just too close to home - I got zero support from my family members when I tried to talk about my feelings toward my parents. I got attacked, gaslit, told I was the problem. What was glaringly dysfunctional and toxic to me, they found some way to justify and overlook.

I agree with Morocha- your true regrets may wind up being putting yourself back in harm’s way. You would never throw your child-self to the wolves, and that kid still lives inside of you. Once you give in, there is no turning back. And I would think that the regret you would feel would only be matched by the mental beating you would give yourself for not trusting your gut. I know I would.

Be well, and don’t give into self-doubt planted by other people. They have no right to tell you how you feel.  Now or in the future.  Our first instincts are usually the correct ones, and that is the voice of truth.
« Last Edit: September 05, 2020, 11:48:40 AM by Liz1018 »

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Blueberry Pancakes

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Re: "I'm worried you'll regret it"
« Reply #5 on: September 05, 2020, 01:49:58 PM »
Those words are invalidating and unhelpful. I am sorry. I think they are said by those who have no point of reference to speak with any knowledge on the topic, so will be unable to be any support to you.  It also kind of also comes off as preachy and judgmental to me. I have heard it too. I guess you can just take it as clarity on what 'not' to share with this person in the future.   
 
What they can never understand is the regrets you will have when you allow yourself to be hurt repeatedly (and you will be), have no boundaries, or allow your health and other relationships to suffer. What about the regret when you sacrifice your self-respect? They cannot understand the inner turmoil when you want your family around, but then start hating yourself for it. As stated here, when you talk about regrets - what about the regret they will have for alienating you?   
 
More than understanding from others, I think what is best is possessing the inner knowledge you have of what does not serve you and then doing what is best for your own well being. It is alright to take care of yourself.

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Liketheducks

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Re: "I'm worried you'll regret it"
« Reply #6 on: September 05, 2020, 03:10:43 PM »
I've heard similar "advice" from many a well meaning friend who just doesn't get it.   We all have issues we have to deal with in life.   Those who don't have this particular one, have a hard time conceiving a parent could do such things.   At the end of the day, you have to do what is best for you.  Image be damned.   There are plenty of us out here.   
I've also received great validation from ACA and counselor(s)....particularly one that specializes in EMDR and trauma work.   I'm keeping myself safe.   That's all that matters.

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Hepatica

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Re: "I'm worried you'll regret it"
« Reply #7 on: September 05, 2020, 04:04:38 PM »
I have had this said to me as well. The thing is, is nearly all of my FOO experience has felt tainted and difficult and stressful, and the only time I have ever felt lighter and more at peace is when I rarely see my immediate family. When I am in contact with them, I regret it bc I am stuck with a room full of whining, manipulating, drama seeking, pity ploys, subtle jabs, and often overt attacking of each other (between my parents.)

I regret every extra second I add this dysfunction to my life, having had to withstand it for my beginning 18 years.

These people who say this base everything on their own fairly normal families and Hallmark Christmas movies.  That's not my family. What went on and goes on behind closed doors is more like a Hitchcock film. It's uneasy and poisonous. They have no idea.

The other day someone who I do care about said something along the lines of, 'your poor father, let's hope he lives a long life' and I didn't respond. I don't wish his death but I honestly believe that when my parents pass on, all of the stress they continue to add into my life and my sister's will disappear.

So. No I don't regret going No Contact - although I do struggle with it. It's really hard. I do regret having sat through painful hours of recycled toxic drama every time I agreed to spend a holiday with them. I do regret that I moved back to the small town they now live in, where I grew up, thinking, very naively it would be fine. I do regret not having had all of this education on personality disorders that would have given me the insight not move back into the storm.

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Seven

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Re: "I'm worried you'll regret it"
« Reply #8 on: September 05, 2020, 06:05:03 PM »
Bro6 has said this to me regarding uNPDm.  I get it. He lives 1.5 hours away, and always put SIL family first so when my enD died he regretted not being around more, especially because Dads death was so sudden.

So when I’m telling him things that uNPDm has said and done he was shocked but not surprised.  He admits he knows that she treats the boys better than the girls, but “I don’t want you to regret it”. I reminded him that it would be on me if I regretted it, not him.  That he shouldn’t worry about how *I* might feel. Just because he regretted not being more involved when it came to Dad doesn’t mean I would regret not being more involved with mom.

I learned early on not to live my life with regrets.  I’ll do what’s right for me.

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Liz1018

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Re: "I'm worried you'll regret it"
« Reply #9 on: September 07, 2020, 01:18:49 PM »
Projection is a powerful psychological tool, huh? 

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Blueberry Pancakes

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Re: "I'm worried you'll regret it"
« Reply #10 on: September 07, 2020, 06:17:44 PM »
My husband's sister was recently telling me about a friend of hers whose daughter has not spoken to her in over one year, and how bad she felt for her friend even though she did not know what caused the rift. She said she did not want to get involved, however, was thinking about sending an anonymous letter to this friend's daughter urging her to make amends to her mother "because she'll regret it". I was quite aghast to realize my SIL admitted no knowledge of the specifics, but was still feeling righteous passing judgement upon the daughter and assuming to know best how this daughter should behave. I think it is a common default response to those uninformed souls, but would not ever tackle the job of enlightening them.

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Andeza

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Re: "I'm worried you'll regret it"
« Reply #11 on: September 07, 2020, 11:46:31 PM »
Someone asked me if I was worried about referring going no contact. I told them the only thing I regretted was not doing it sooner. That pretty much ends the conversation...

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nanotech

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Re: "I'm worried you'll regret it"
« Reply #12 on: September 17, 2020, 01:06:54 PM »
At the moment I’ve gone a good amount of days (10) without ringing my UNPD father. He’s elderly and there’s a pandemic. To anyone brought up unaffected by PD parents such an action would render me harshly judged by them.
Maybe those who have been damaged would also condemn me. It depends if they are in or OOTF,  or somewhere between the two.

But it’s actually an achievement for me. I’m trauma -bonded to dad and often suffer when I speak to him.
I’ve felt emotionally healthier not speaking with him for a week and a half.
Yet I feel drawn to do it. :stars:
 Add to that the expectations of society, and PDabusers are laughingly sure of their supply till the day they pass away.
If we were addicted to drugs and were resisting that addiction, we’d get a pat on the back from society.

I think it’s interesting that at least two of my dad’s golf club friends have adult children who don’t speak to them. My dad is highly critical of these ‘ungrateful children’. Interesting too, that he’s mentioned it to me several times.  :wacko: :blink:

My mother ( UnBPD) used often to quite the ‘honour thy father and thy mother’ commandment to me.

She  was also a fan of quoting, with scathing tones,
‘ How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless child.’
 from King Lear.  :yeahthat:

She used to slow it right down, wringing out every syllable. Big emphasis on the last four words.  :aaauuugh:

I don’t think she ever saw the play.
 King Lear, the raging narcissist. 
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« Last Edit: September 17, 2020, 01:19:30 PM by nanotech »

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Psuedonym

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Re: "I'm worried you'll regret it"
« Reply #13 on: September 17, 2020, 01:59:23 PM »
Holy $#@%, nanotech, that was uPD M's favorite line too! It truly is amazing how they all read from the same script.

I had never thought of the context of the quote, or that it was King Lear who said it. How bizarrely fitting that they would pick this quote. Even the Wikipedia summary screams narcissistl. That Shakespeare truly was. a smarty pants :)

It tells the tale of a king who bequeaths his power and land to two of his three daughters, after they declare their love for him in a fawning and obsequious manner. His third daughter gets nothing, because she will not flatter him as her sisters had done. When he feels he has been treated with disrespect by the two daughters who now have his wealth and power, he becomes furious to the point of madness. He eventually becomes tenderly reconciled to his third daughter, just before tragedy strikes her and then the king.

Thanks for that insight!

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Call Me Cordelia

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Re: "I'm worried you'll regret it"
« Reply #14 on: September 17, 2020, 02:23:56 PM »
Yes! Another super super ironic narc quote, from Hamlet, “To thine own self be true.” Polonius, who very strikingly has zero self-awareness or self-concept, and therefore no integrity. Shakespeare understood people. He’s my favorite.

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Thru the Rain

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Re: "I'm worried you'll regret it"
« Reply #15 on: September 17, 2020, 02:46:27 PM »
Unless you specifically sought advice, "I'm worried you'll regret it" is so intrusive! How is it your friend's job to worry about this????

Put the phrase in another context and see how inappropriate it is:
- You're about to eat some food that your friend believes is unhealthy: Don't eat that, I'm worried you'll regret it.
- You're about to splurge on an expensive treat for yourself and your friend thinks it's too much money: Don't spend so much money, I'm worried you'll regret it.
- You plan to quit your safe job to take a risk on a new career, but your friend thinks it's too much risk: Don't quit your safe and boring job, I'm worried you'll regret it.
- You're planning to leave an abusive partner/spouse, but your friend thinks you should give them one more chance: Don't leave yet, I'm worried you'll regret it.

My knee-jerk response to "I'm worried you'll regret it" is "It's none of your business!".

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Adria

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Re: "I'm worried you'll regret it"
« Reply #16 on: September 17, 2020, 03:02:41 PM »
I don't live by regrets.  I never put that on myself or let anyone else because I understand that every decision I make is very well thought through, and I own that it is the right decision for the time with the information I have. If down the road I feel I made a mistake or could have handled something different, I change things, but I don't regret.  Regret is placing blame on yourself for the outcome of a decision you made from the best of your knowledge at the time. It serves no purpose. 

People say all kinds of thoughtless things to us when we try to explain our situation.  Either they don't want to understand or they won't, or maybe it hit too close to home and they can't face coming Out of the FOG, so hit us between the eyes.  Don't let your friend put a trip on you. It sounds like it's time to take care of yourself and put yourself first.  NC is not something anyone really wants to do, we are forced into it by another.  It is truly one of the hardest things to do in life and takes more courage than someone can imagine.  Above all else and anyone else, stay true to yourself. Hugs, Adria

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MamaDryad

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Re: "I'm worried you'll regret it"
« Reply #17 on: September 17, 2020, 03:11:50 PM »
I'm late to this, but "O how sharper than a serpent's tooth" was a favorite of my uBPDm as well! I swear it's like they all get a newsletter.

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nanotech

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Re: "I'm worried you'll regret it"
« Reply #18 on: September 17, 2020, 08:38:27 PM »
Yes. Wow! Lots of us have Shakespeare in common! He’s the man!