Seeing someone who “knew me when”

[Call Me Cordelia]

I got myself all in an emotional flashback here. I ran into someone who knew me as a teen and young adult last night. Somebody who saw a fair amount of what I went through with my parents but never said anything directly about it to my recollection. In fact I have a bit of a haziness around the memories of that time, even though I was older.

Anyway, I got all weird when I met this person again, even though it wasn't unexpected. I was probably rude. Our paths will cross again. I'm really embarrassed. I'm trying to figure out how to clean up the mess, and be able to be normal going forward, but I guess I need to get out of flashback mode first.

I'm still amazed at how triggered I get. This person did nothing wrong, he's simply a connection to my parents, although certainly not close to them, and that's enough to get me all flustery. I'm feeling ashamed of how weak and pathetic I can be. Logically it makes no sense. But I've been living as if my hometown and all the people there simply no longer exist, and any time that wall breaks I get panicky. I even got uncomfortable when I saw that some complete stranger was from my hometown. I gotta learn to deal.

[lotusblume]

CMC, I think it is in the realm of normal reactions to be flustered and what you describe as standoffish(?) or aloof(?). I've also got triggered anytime my hometown and the people there get too close for comfort. For example, I moved pretty far away, and randomly met someone in a different age group that I didn't know from my hometown. This person went down memory lane, asking if I knew this person or that person, or still talked to this person or that, and I was quite triggered by it, it kind of surprised me. I was also angry, thinking, why can't I just leave that place and the past behind me? I know what you mean about feeling like those people don't even exist anymore.

I've found a bit of a balance by having some old acquaintances from my hometown on my social media, it helps desensitize me to it but still can get to me.

I am sure the situation you were in brought up a whole mix of emotions and memories and feelings; do not feel bad about how you may have come off to this person. You do not owe them anything! And you're opinion of yourself is the most important, not a random person with ties to your past opinion of you. Are you judging him right now?

You will also now be better prepared if you come across him again, so that's a plus. Please be gentle with yourself and instead of beating yourself up, dig deeper and put the blame where it belongs - channel all the anger and resentment you are turning towards you, and figure out what are the unresolved things still hurting you.

I hope that helps. Xox 

[Liketheducks]

Sounds like an absolutely "normal" response to trauma to me.     I get triggered by work colleagues that REMIND me of PD parents.....I have one who is a recovering addict.  We've actually crossed paths in 12 step rooms.   He's a bully.   Currently talking myself down of the ledge over him using the word "boundaries" to try to manipulate me into giving him what he thinks he needs from me.   (A$%Hat).   
Hang in there.   They didn't know the whole story.  It is easy for people to make so many assumptions from their POV.   You have your own worth and are worthy of peace.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Thanks friends. Feeling better today. I was certainly beating myself up and letting that old programming run. Today's another day.

[Thru the Rain]

I had a similar situation. I was at a family member's college graduation - huge event held in a football stadium. (Obviously not from this year  ).

A group of people sat down next to our group, looked at me with recognition and said the name of the church we attended when I was a teenager. The "so crazy it may have been a cult" church". I didn't even answer this poor lady. Just turned to the rest of my group (also traumatized) and said "We gotta move". We got up as a group and moved to sit in another section of the stadium.

Was I rude? Yes. Did the lady mean me any harm? No. Do I regret instantly picking up and moving far away? Not for one minute.

I share that story to let you know you aren't alone. It took me a long time to realize that it's ALWAYS ok to take care of yourself and you don't owe anyone an explanation.

[Adria]

Don't be too hard on yourself Cordella.  I can't even think about flying back to my hometown without getting sick to my stomach a week ahead of time.  The lies spread about me were so far spread that if I go into a restaurant or store, I get people giving me dirty looks. People I don't even know. I've never done anything mean to anyone in my hometown. I always treat people kindly and respectfully, but still hate going back.  It literally makes me sick and I cringe just thinking about it.

We never know where or when the backlash from our family is going to greet us, and for me, it hurts every time.  You are not weak and pathetic. Not at all. I think it is a normal reaction to cringe in these situations because we can only assume the worst of what has been said about us.