Just looking for a hug

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yesterday I made an appointment for my daughter to see a therapist. She's stuck on missing her PD grandparents such that she's regularly truly suffering from her grief. I don't know how to help her anymore. The impact of NC on her is bewildering to me, it's been three years and her age is such that I'm sure she doesn't remember them clearly. We barely saw them even when fully in contact. We have lots of great people in our lives. But the idea of her grandparents has this hold on her. I've truly tried to be validating her feelings, allowing her to feel what she feels... but when she can't sleep for weeping about it on a regular basis I'm stumped.

Anyway I shared this with an intimate friend of our FOC who has been friends with us through our whole journey before and after NC. She knows why we did it. That my dad tried to induce our priest to call CPS on us and all about my MIL's perfidy. She said it's unnatural for a child not to see her living grandparents and I should prayerfully consider attempting reconciliation.  Anyway I firmly shut that down but it really hurt.

[Amadahy]

Oh, mercy!  I'm so sorry.  This is a betrayal of your trust, coupled with seeing your child struggle.  Ouch, ouch, ouch!  I'm very sorry.  I'm glad you shut that down.  I'm sending you big, virtual, sloppy, unconditional, messy hugs.  We here get it, so don't feel alone.  xoxo

[moglow]

All the hugs I can provide - and I'll gladly cuss like a sailor on your behalf, sister. I'll also prayerfully consider not kicking her ass, just for you. She should have known better, but unfortunately we can talk it until we're purple but until people see and experience it first hand, it's just not real.

[Sidney37]

Oh Cordelia.  I can understand and relate more than you know.   

My DD too has been in therapy and one of the issues is dealing with missing the grandmother she thinks she has.  The one she saw, not the one who verbally abused the rest of us.  My PDMs birthday and Mother's day were particularly hard for DD and hard for me when she kept insisting that I should call.  I am finding that my DD's friends are all talking about missing their grandparents during quarantine or making plans for long awaited visits to see them after stay at home orders are lifted.  Do you think your daughter is talking to friends or seeing this on social media.  I have significantly decreased my time on social media, but when I do pop on, I see lots of happy reunions between kids and their older relatives.  It's hard to see, and I'm sure hard for our teens who just don't get it. I hope your daughter gets the support she needs at the therapist.

I too had a religious friend tell me how wonderful it was that a flying monkey contacted me recently!?!?  I just wanted to scream.  They should know better.  it's just so hard to find people who truly understand.   I really thought this person did.  Big hugs from here.  I get it.  I really, really do. 

[BefuddledClarity]

Sorry that it turned out like that. Some people may not understand, even if you explain it to them a million times in different ways, but that's okay. You're doing good, mama. You're protecting yourself AND your DD from her PDg-parents. She'll be able to understand and appreciate what you've done later down the road when ishe's a bit older. Sending good vibes and hugs your way.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Thanks everyone. I knew you would understand. I wasn't completely surprised because this friend's responses in the past have indicated not quite getting it even though she is a good person and loves us. She was hurt at a key age by her own parents' divorce, so I think she's of the mindset you don't ever give up on family. A wise friend told me we don't see things as they are, we see things as we are. I think that's apt. I'm still a little sad that this is an area of my life I just have to guard from most people, even those who really mean to be helpful.

I brought it up anyway in part because my daughter and hers are best friends, and her daughter really does have cool grandparents and they are close. Sidney, you got it. So my daughter is hearing about her friends' grandparents and I think that's definitely affecting her perception of what she's missing out on. She's too young for social media, thank goodness!

[nanotech]

I had fallen out with my BPD mum and had moved away to live with my husband, who she disapproved of.
My mum wrote an acrimonious letter. She actively withheld love to try to get me to leave my husband.
I wrote back. I wasn't nasty, but I was firm. Hubby was my life now, not the FOO.
My dad wrote a letter, calling me 'unnatural'.
It's thirty years ago now, and the memory still stings.
It  made me feel like some
sort of callous freak.
Which I'm not. 
Just look out for that word, because now, when I hear someone call an action either   'natural' or 'unnatural', it's a red flag for me, because it's so often used to manipulate.
They, and theirs, use it like a magic key. They try to unlock our resolve by labelling our boundary-setting as ruthless and unloving behaviour.
Projection anyone?
We haven't got a duty to stay in unhealthy relationships and it isn't something that's
'natural'.
xxxxxHugs hugs hugs xxxxx