UNPD BF HUMILIATED ME, I am shattered

[2_exhausted]

Hi.

I have known UNPD BF since 2009...we dated for 2 years, separated for 2 1/2, went back about 3 yrs later. We live 60 miles apart. 2016 & most of 2017 I lived with him and his son....Due to a job...that experience was traumatic. It was a partial reason I had a depressive episode in September of 2016.

I moved in with my mom in Nov 2017 as she was frail. Anyway about the N,,,

Last summer he cheated on me...I may have even posted it. I was so hurt. I randomly found out....in August 2019. Of course the degree of involvement was downplayed and I was blamed for it...I am no fun, I do not want to do things etc...it is difficult going to dinner when you are sitting across from someone you KNOW has coerced you to pay the bill 75% of the time and resents spending any money.

So N promised it was over with new gf....refused to come & visit me for 4 months...he was too depressed. Did not want me there (I was so stupid). He finally came here the weekend after Thanksgiving. We spent NY & super bowl together. He came here 2-3 weekends a month. During this time I was still angryb& hurtbabout the cheating..plus he is a huge liar...I did not trust him.. I told him that is he cheated again, it was crossing my boundary. In April he stopped texting or speaking to me...when I texted him about COVID as I am a nurse, he was telling me I am too dramatic, he cannot deal with me, he would rather be alone than have the cheating brought up, etc....

Fast forward 2 weeks ago...I randomly looked at his Facebook profile and he says he is in a relationship...he is 57...then I check hers. She announces it the same day...they are the same age. I received a text stating to get my own cell phone plan within 10:days and my belongings will be sent to me overnight.

5 days later they both changed their profile pics to one of each other...he announced this is my new woman, when asked and his Harley was 4 years old...to me they are staged. We never did that crap when we were together.

Anyway I feel totally humiliated. I am not friends with either person...I do,have them blocked. I feel so stupid for believing he was trying to reconcile. What did he gain by faking it it? It was not as if it was a pleasant time for him here...we were not physical. N kept texting me and telling me, "just trust me".... I had stated he needed to regain my trust,,,from the summer.

So I feel totally sH iT on...dismembered, and used. I know I am codependent. I am sure he is love bombing her and vilifying me as he did with his ex and dead wife( he & his family spoke horrible about that woman).

I guess I am not understanding why he could not just call me and tell me it was over. Or even text me. I feel so pathetic. So used, so humiliated. I am depressed due to other losses, but this is triggering my trauma bonds.

Please help me understand this....is he going to change for her?

It was a total discard.

Thank you.

2_exhausted

[Samuel S.]

I am so very sorry for the humiliation and the anger that he caused you. You only wanted him to be in your life as a soulmate whom you could trust. He unfortunately shattered your hopes of having a loving relationship with him. You did all the right things to fulfill your part.

On the other hand, he has been extremely heartless and selfish, wanting the best of both worlds, if you will. He has absolutely proven to you that he does not want to be involved with you due to his escapades with someone else. In fact, he probably will do the same with that other person eventually.

All you can do is to go through the different emotions you have been feeling and to learn from this horrible person who is only interested in himself and not interested in anyone else. His actions have shown he does not deserve you. You deserve better!

Hugs and best wishes to you!

[2_exhausted]

Thank you SS. I know it was a bad relationship. I will nevervspeak to him again.
I need help to find the correct therapist.
Any books I should read?

[GettingOOTF]

I am sorry for what you are going through.

I always recommend Codependent No More to people in these relationships. It really helped me. I have done a lot do work on my self esteem and on figuring out why I thought it was ok to stay in relationships like I did. He showed you who he was and what he thought of you when he cheated. My ex showed me who he was countless times and I chose to stay for more abuse and humiliation.

Our choices are always to walk away or find a way to live with the treatment. I chose to walk away.

He will not change for her and even if he does he didn't change for you. His actions are a reflection of him not on your worth.

We teach people how to treat us by the treatment we accept from them.  My experience was that when I took someone back or forgave them it showed them what I would put up with from them.  I had to learn to do the difficult and painful work on myself. To figure out why I had so little self worth that I stayed instead of focusing on why he did the things he did.

[1footouttadefog]

I am sorry to read of what you have been through.  It must be painful.  Be kind to yourself, there will be alot to process. 

No he will not change for her.  He is what he is.  She may have a greater ability to accept him it not depending on who she is and what she is willing to out up with.

I hope that as you process your grief of loosing this relationship you are able to sort out what makes you vulnerable to abuse like that.

Practice self care and be strong and brave. This experience can streñgthen you as you process forward toward the best possible life.

[2_exhausted]

Thank you for responding.

I feel my childhood abuse/neglect from my mother, is triggering me...I have written about her BPD treatment on this site. My father died when I was 11, suddenly, from a heart attack...she treated me horribly throughout my life. Now she has dementia.

Maybe I put up with him because I was afraid of being alone...I am an only child. And we never saw a lot of each other.

When I met him, he  talked so poorly of his ex wife, I am sure he is doing this about me now...which is fine. This new partner will have to learn on her own.

Cheating was a boundary, and  what he did this time, I could not ever imagine. And he is getting old...from what I read aging Narcs do not do well.

He would DARVO me,  lied so many times, projected his anger on his son and ex on me..even accusing me of saying words I  never use, thinks he is "Charley Sheen" on Two and a Half Men,  took advantage of me financially, raged and swore "Fu(k Face" to me..I had no idea what that even meant, I paid for 75% of our dining out yet he out earns me, gave my medication to his friends to get high, and said "I hate women over 50, they are out scammers men"... I guess he was referring to menopause. He does treat himself very well, and expects others to do the same..

He is not for me and I have known it for years..

Thank you all.

[tragedy or hope]

Exhausted,

I have found self=condemning never helps me.
There was nothing wrong with any of your decisions because you have learned some very important lessons for yourself. Now you will be a better person for knowing these things while your ex will continue to make a mess of his life.

We do what we have to do to survive life the best way we know how. Don't confuse your love and acceptance of him with judgement on  yourself. His incredibly bad behavior toward you would have seemed unbelievable because you would never do that to someone else.

Nothing is wrong with you. It was him. Clearly he took advantage of someone who COULD be trusted. You are still trustworthy and evidently someone who enjoys and wants commitment. Those are not bad things.

When an empath loves, we do so because we are out of ourselves enough to love another person for who they are... when PD's love, it's always just about them and what they can get out of it. This is not always evident in the beginning because they are such good actors. By nature we are more forgiving and overlook weaknesses for the sake of the relationship.

He finally showed his real self. He could have been misrepresenting himself to you all along. That is not your fault.

He has purchased real estate in your head. It seems you are suffering judgement on yourself for HIS bad behavior. That is the evil influence of a PD. They leave a path of destruction. See it for what it is. It's not about you.

Be kind to yourself. I would not self judge. They say the best revenge is living well. Maybe you don't need therapy, just a new sincere man who is capable of having a committed adult relationship.

[1footouttadefog]

Often when PDs love and seem so in love they are not loving their partner.

Instead they are loving being loved by the partner.  And because it was not about love for the partner but about their love of self and being loved, they can drop the partner as soon as they feel another person loving and admiring them.

[2_exhausted]

Thank you Tragedy' or Hope & 1OOTF,

Yes, after the cheating, I was very cold to him.. I was hurt..so maybe new person was loving & admiring him...he KNEW I did NOT admire him..not in the least..I guess this new supply is stroking is frail ego. I want to get to a point of  ambivalence.

I do think he was misrepresenting himself all along...his public facade is such a nice easy going affable guy...a total  180...His dead wife knew he was a Narc or had traits...I thought it...his son cannot stand him ( of course not,  PD allowed his mother to suicide without calling crisis, as a child maybe the son did not realize this, now at 21 maybe someone or school brought it to his attention)

I would love to find a kind man. I am gun shy, and I am also 55...

Hugs,
2exhausted

[GettingOOTF]

Nothing you did or didn't do caused him to cheat. Nothing you do or don't do will make him stop. Cheating is a whole other issue.

For me the best thing I did was to work on myself and on building my self esteem. I still have my issues but I know I'm worth more than what I settled for in the past.

Predators - which is what a cheater is - can sense our lack of self esteem and boundaries. It's why so many of us end up with men like this. I know you are worth more than a relationship like the one you described, you need to find a way to believe you are worth more yourself though.

I am also not young and don't have a great relationship history. I know what it's like to settle. Personally I've found being alone much more fulfilling than being in an abuse relationship with a cheater.

[2_exhausted]

Thanks GettingOOTF,

The past 3 years I avoided him....I do think he has a lot of NPD traits...love bombing, zero empathy, even for his only child.

I feel like a candy wrapper, or an anything wrapper, easily discarded and long forgotten. I know I deserve better than this. We all do.
Now he has a new supply, the woman he was cheating with...I do not even know if it ever ended....and he is love bombing her...

He follows a pattern...this is typical.

I am fortunate to have a dog which is a bit needy...I do love her.ii try to make her "hug" me for some oxytocin...I have not been hugged in over 6 months..

[tragedy or hope]

IMHO... have some fun.
Make a list of the character qualities you admire Make a list of your best qualities. Including physical. Think about it.

Then, think about some new things you have not done before. You can even "impersonate" who you want to be by dressing that way. Go to a strange place, be that person. How does it feel? Take a day trip if you need to get away from the familiar,

Reason being, sometimes we get in to the bondage of our own narrative and life looks pretty bleak.

Just have some fun with it. You are not too old to find a great relationship.

Now is the time to think about what you would do differently if you met someone new. What are the red flags you learned? You get to have expectations.

Many women I know in this age decade (I don't talk to men about this stuff so I don't know otherwise) kind of wait for the right person to come along and notice them.  That could be the beginning of a bad relationship. YOU pick. YOU decide who interests you. Run from the ones who seem like puppies in a pet store needing your every moment. As I understand it, (only me talking) older PD men are much more lonely than older women. They will latch on to someone who gives them their N attention. When you see it, don't give it, walk away knowing your character qualities which are well defined since you listed them are a treasure, not to be used for someone else's mental/emotional issues.

I hope the best for you. Your feelings are proof that this person did not treat you properly. You would not feel like this if it were ended as it should be.

Get even by evicting him from your head. He loves having two "homes." N's know what they are doing. He knows how you think. When you start to think of him, realize you are abandoning yourself in all your pain and letting him re injure your soul.

To come on this site and express your thoughts takes courage. That can be the first item on your list. 

[1footouttadefog]

I completely agree with the idea you need to pick.  And screen.  Time and taking it slow is a great screening tool.

It works for avoiding friendships with a narc as well as romantic relationships.

It may not be foll proof but it can really cut down the amount of times you get sucked into an unhealthy or potentially harmful relationship.

The way I see it a healthy well rounded person has a life of their own.  They are going to have friends, family, coworkers, a church or club maybe, hobbies, routines and responsibilities. 

If they are normal cautious people they will take time to develope friendships and romantic relationships.  They would not be willing to drop everything to be available for round the clock texting or private messaging and phone calls.  They would be too sincere to love bomb after only a meeting or two.

Recently a friend of mine met a man.  He seemed nice enough.  He drove over the next weekend and they went out and drank a couple beers and dinner at an outdoor venue.  The next week they went out again.

Then she got a string of text messages that were telling her how she is the most wonderful person ever and how he is in love with her can can see their future in her eyes, and on and in and on.  He even hinted at moving in and starting to work in wust needs fixed at her place etc. 

She having been taken in my narcs one time to many saw red flags in the texts.  She played it cool and let him know they would take things slow, and get to know each other and see where it went.  They discussed her driving to where he was working out of town and getting dinner together there.

Silence.  Gone, no more texts.  Now of she was the most wonderful person on the planet  as the texts indicated, why was she so easy to drop. 

Time and going slow, a great screening tool.  In this way she did the picking by not letting him set the pace with love bombing.

[2_exhausted]

Thank you for this 1footouttadafog,

I am in the process of deleting emails and throwing things out. It hurts me that he has zero feeling for me and is fawning over new supply.

So applying your information, new supply allowed the love bomb, unlike your friend...so exN is being "fed" whatever he needs...a woman draping herself on him in public & being photographed...I guess it makes him feel superior to his male married friends..
Plus he stated they were sexually active last summer, so it is still occurring. He defines himself sexually....her& his wife had problems after the son was born.....of course adding a baby will decrease sexual activity.....they sent each other extremely long letters defending their positions....dead wife sent me copies....he was 35 and she was 31..

It does all make sense without my emotions involved.

Hugs