Trying to evoke jealousy?

[ToAudrey]

Not sure what this behavior is about but unPDh has done this twice now. Both times seem to be after a minor anger episode where I have not done JADE and tried as much as possible to medium chill.

He brings up some old female friend that he had a previous romantic connection to and how they have reconnected at friends. The first time was some person he dated ages ago and more recently a friend had dated. They have reconnected as friends and apparently he's offering all sorts of advice to her. I told him that was friend to be in touch with an old friend. Now it is some other old friend and some story about having lost them as a friend because her husband demanded the friendship end and that it was because the husband was so intimidated by the friend making unPDh an offer of a hookup as her marriage was an open one. Again I just said how nice that would be to reconnect with a friend (seems he's not connected with this other friend but learned from a mutual friend that she was married to someone else now so unPDh has asked the mutual friend for contact info).

It feels like this is trying to evoke a jealous reaction or cause me to feel like I need to act to  earn attention or something. These are the first times in the decade of knowing each other than this behavior has occurred.

I'm feeling that just continue medium chill as overall that has made things easier to handle at home. Is this likely just trying to get a reaction or to show how desirable/in demand they are?

[Samuel S.]

It seems as though he is trying to do a lot of things. He is showing how popular he is. It seems that he is trying to make you jealous. It seems as though he is putting you as just someone else instead of being someone special to him. Frankly, while this seems like a nice thing to do, it doesn't help your relationship to become better. It seems as though he is growing mistrust instead of trust which you deserve and need. Have you tried talking with him to discuss how you feel? Perhaps and only perhaps then can that be helpful for him to understand how his actions are undermining the quality relationship that he has with you.

Speaking about undermining a relationship, my wife has been so very busy professionally and academically. A few years ago, she was joking with a fellow worker that I should be with another woman, because she is so very busy. She told me about this as if it were a joke. Well, when you are married and when you disregard a relationship so much so that you joke about your spouse needing to have an affair, that truly does undermine the trust that needs to be there. It was then that I told her that I was extremely hurt by her comments, seeing that I have only given her love and never any reason to be disregarded. Ever since then, she hasn't said anything so hurtful again, although I do distrust her.

So, please do talk with your husband. That can be a start!

[tragedy or hope]

Narcissists are stellar at creating situations to evoke jealousy. Happens to me all the time. Then there is the denial and something of course is wrong with me and the way I see things.

Just remember it is all about him. He only wants what he wants. He wants your attention. He wants everyone's attention. He could care less about these people. They too are being strung along for his sake.

I tease him and say, "tell them to get in the back of the line... you have so many admirers." I even say this to women who tell me things about him that make me want to throw up...

Giddy, silly people, who understand nothing about the cruelty and dysfunction of unpdh's think they are charming. Yeah like a snake.

Just know for him this is a big game. You cannot control it. I guess you can find a way to make humor of it. "I can get rid of her for you... shall I call her and tell her about the time you....." whatever.

They play endless games and think they are God's gift to women/men. Know that deep down inside he is totally unsure of himself and will use anything to get the positive attention he cannot give himself. Keep your MC going if you are comfortable with it. as my unpdh has said to me... he "is trying to yank your chain." He wants you out of MC... he is uncomfortable. There is no end to their bag of tricks.

Take really good care of yourself...

I never win, I just find new ways of coping. they are diabolical at stamina to keep going until we acquiesce. 

[ToAudrey]

Samuel I agree that is does appear these are attempts to make me "not special". My approach so far is to take the words/stories at face value and remark how nice it is to reconnect with friends. I'm at a place where I'm not hurt by the comments but more detached and observing the behavior that is so different from the early relationship.

Tragedy yes he does seem to think he is quite the gift. He offered the other day to give me "free therapy" as he's been giving sooooo much advice to the one reconnected friend and some new friends from the drama-filled online community. Not sure how he is in text to these friends but in phone conversation I just hear him talking AT whomever for hours and hours. The MC has been helping me. Not only to deal with unPDh but to work through my own issues which seem to mainly be codependency. Then he will do some kind things or show a bit of the person I first knew and I feel obligated  to remain stuck even though objectively I know I (and my child) do not get enough from this relationship. I strongly suspect covert narc as one of the issues so perhaps these new behaviors are a flailing about as he can sense I'm not quite in the FOG anymore? I'd come Out of the FOG a little about years ago before we'd married and went back into it judging from memories that some TimeHop posts jogged.

Before I knew better about talking to him about personal things I had talked about how my exH has cheated several times and in once case it was what I thought was just a friend and had even had the person over for Thanksgiving. I half wonder if this new "look how popular I am" behavior is trying to play off that insecurity. During this latest tale of the woman in the open marriage he even pointedly said several times he'd never have a relationship with someone that was married if the husband didn't consent. (It seemed odd to launch into this whole story when he's not even reconnected with this friend and it didn't seem that pertinent to the friendship that existed before this 'offer'). 

The only other thing close was from the rage a few weeks back that really prompted me to seek out help. During that he mentioned how before me he only dated "really hot" women but then took a chance on personality and then went on to explain I was the first he dated that weighed more than him but he didn't "judge me".  Those remarks were in response to a totally different conversation which made it all the more pointed. He's been obsessed with weight lately and dropped a lot (was already thin) and uses the scale at odd times every day.

[Cascade]

My husband evoked a lot of jealousy in the first ten or so years of our relationship. And I was an easy target, so it was very rewarding for him. It took me years to figure out that he was, in many cases, lying. He doesn't do it much anymore, maybe because he's actually matured a tiny bit or maybe because I use medium chill.