I didn't realize it was grief

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ShyTurtle

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I didn't realize it was grief
« on: December 04, 2021, 03:55:56 AM »
It was a couple of years ago that I left an abusive relationship with an upd partner for the second (and final) time. During that process I felt as though life lost all meaning and things which I used to feel passionate about I didn't anymore. I never realized those experiences were a part of grief for having lost time, lost myself, lost my confidence and self respect. I had lost so much in that experience. Only now after losing my current partner to cancer last week do I see why I fell apart in the previous aftermath. It all makes sense now because I truly lost so much.

Had I known more bout grief then, maybe I wouldn't have judged myself so harshly for falling apart and feeling crazy and useless. Being with a pd person apparently can result in a lot of grief.
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SonofThunder

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Re: I didn't realize it was grief
« Reply #1 on: December 04, 2021, 10:46:24 AM »
It was a couple of years ago that I left an abusive relationship with an upd partner for the second (and final) time. During that process I felt as though life lost all meaning and things which I used to feel passionate about I didn't anymore. I never realized those experiences were a part of grief for having lost time, lost myself, lost my confidence and self respect. I had lost so much in that experience. Only now after losing my current partner to cancer last week do I see why I fell apart in the previous aftermath. It all makes sense now because I truly lost so much.

Had I known more bout grief then, maybe I wouldn't have judged myself so harshly for falling apart and feeling crazy and useless. Being with a pd person apparently can result in a lot of grief.

Hi ShyTurtle,

I am so sorry to read of the recent loss of your partner to cancer on the heels of a prior separation from an abusive relationship.  I have experienced neither, but read the many posts from others here who share in your experiences and in the grief feelings you experience.  You are not alone. 

I agree with you that PDs steal away so much time, self, self-confidence and self-respect and once we come to the realization and understanding that they feed on our own supply,  to supply what is missing in themselves, we are then able to begin our own re-supply of those depleted parts of ourselves. 

I read of your full understanding in that area and that you are aware that another has fed off you for those resources.  Therefore my hope for you is to now focus on the rebuilding and resupply of yourself and protect yourself going forward, from being a supply for others. 

SoT
Proverbs 17:1
A meal of bread and water in peace is better than a banquet spiced with quarrels.

2 Timothy 1:7
For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

Proverbs 29:11
A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back.

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moglow

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Re: I didn't realize it was grief
« Reply #2 on: December 04, 2021, 12:09:01 PM »
We don't always notice those things, do we? I think society has a way of minimizing grief thinking to help us through, but not realizing that it has away of dragging out the process. We play along thinking we have to be "brave" and stuff things down until we can't anymore. We just don't realize that every loss brings grief and it's not always the same from one to the next.

For me, recognizing the five stages of grief as defined by Elizabeth Kübler Ross was illuminating (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance). It's not necessarily a linear or predictable process, because each loss and every person is different, but for me they're there on varying levels time after time. You may bounce right over some and they pop up later, others may not be part of it at all. Sometimes the only way out is *through* and we do the best we can with what we have at the time.

Be blessed - and know you never grieve alone. We're here with you.
« Last Edit: December 04, 2021, 12:46:42 PM by moglow »
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.”  ~ Cap'n Spanky

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SonofThunder

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Re: I didn't realize it was grief
« Reply #3 on: December 04, 2021, 12:33:57 PM »
We don't always notice those things, do we? I think society has a way of minimizing grief thinking to help us through, but not realizing that it has away of dragging out the process. We play along thinking we have to be "brave" and just stiff things down until we can't anymore. We just don't realize that very loss brings grief and it's not always the same from one to the next.

For me, recognizing the five stages of grief as defined by Elizabeth Kübler Ross was illuminating (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance). It's not necessarily a linear or predictable process, because each loss and every person is different, but for me they're there on varying levels time after time. You may bounce right over some and they pop up later, others may not be part of it at all. Sometimes the only way out is *through* and we do the best we can with what we have at the time.

Be blessed - and know you never grieve alone. We're here with you.

MoGlow,

Those 5 stages of grief you posted, i have not considered, but were all something i worked through coming Out of the FOG. Therefore your points made to ShyTurtle, also resonate with my experiences; not of loss of a mate, but rather loss of what never was, yet always hoped would improve.

Therefore, all the more in grief sharing (in its variety of experiences) that we have in common here on OOTF.  Thanks for sharing information on stages of grief.  I had not considered them specifically on my journey. 

SoT
Proverbs 17:1
A meal of bread and water in peace is better than a banquet spiced with quarrels.

2 Timothy 1:7
For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

Proverbs 29:11
A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back.

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moglow

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Re: I didn't realize it was grief
« Reply #4 on: December 04, 2021, 12:45:40 PM »
Old wisdom says that sorrows shared are halved, joys shared are doubled.

SoT, I have to stop and remind myself of my own grief now and again, turn that compassion on myself. Trying to be bold and brave can be exhausting when you're depleted. Being able to talk it out (for some, after decades of silence) comforts in so many ways.
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.”  ~ Cap'n Spanky

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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notrightinthehead

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Re: I didn't realize it was grief
« Reply #5 on: December 04, 2021, 05:50:49 PM »
 Shyturtle, I am so sorry for your loss. Sending you a big hug.
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

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Poison Ivy

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Re: I didn't realize it was grief
« Reply #6 on: December 04, 2021, 06:25:36 PM »
ShyTurtle, you have my condolences.

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Boat Babe

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Re: I didn't realize it was grief
« Reply #7 on: December 04, 2021, 07:57:23 PM »
Holding you in my heart Shyturtle. Life can be so hard.
It gets better. It has to.

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Lookin 2 B Free

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Re: I didn't realize it was grief
« Reply #8 on: December 04, 2021, 09:42:27 PM »
Oh, ShyTurtle, I'm so, so sorry.  I hope you come and share with us often and take comfort knowing there's a big group of people here who care.

I think for some, pairing with a pwPD happens because we've been carrying old unresolved grief in the first place.  I'm sure that was the case with me. 

May you bring much gentleness and compassion to yourself and avail yourself of all the wonderful support you can.   :hug:

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Hilltop

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Re: I didn't realize it was grief
« Reply #9 on: December 05, 2021, 01:23:51 AM »
I'm so sorry for your loss.  It must be a really difficult time for you.

Your post kind of highlighted to me that I am probably going through the depression stage of the grief right now.  I mean, you are right that we don't often see the stages of grief as we move away from PD relationships.  As I move away from the PD relationship with my parents I certainly felt relief, denial, anger.  Recently I have simply felt exhausted and lost confidence.  I really didn't see it as another phase of grief, I just thought I was lost and failing.  So thank you, your post really helped highlight to me where I am.  I simply couldn't see it for what it was before.

I am sorry you didn't give yourself the compassion you needed previously however thank you for reminding us that we really need to continue that compassion towards ourselves and each other, its easy to forget and simply think we are failing when in actual fact what we feel is normal and just another stage of healing.  Thank you so much for reminding me of this. 

Moglow - Old wisdom says that sorrows shared are halved, joys shared are doubled.  I have never heard this but I love it.

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blacksheep7

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Re: I didn't realize it was grief
« Reply #10 on: December 05, 2021, 11:26:24 AM »
I'm so sorry Shyturtle.  My condolences.
 :bighug:
I may be the black sheep of the family, but some of the white sheep are not as white as they try to appear.

"When people show you who they are, believe them."
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1footouttadefog

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Re: I didn't realize it was grief
« Reply #11 on: December 05, 2021, 01:34:34 PM »
Yes grief.  I am sorry you have had to suffer two losses back to back.  Be kind to your self l, I am glad you recognize the grief involved with both situations, and hope the process brings healing and strength for you to continue life's oath with.

I experienced it with coming out if the fog.

I look back and see it came in stages.  As nons we can experience grief, then rally our hopes and energies toward the relationship again only to come back to grief once more, so It is not always a once and done experience. 

Additionally when a spouse or partner has not died physically many are disenfranchised from their grief.  Others are not aware that they are experiencing the loss of a partner they thought they had who is "removed" once they realize they were duped or that the partner will never again be who they were for them.

I am not equating the two types of grieve just acknowledging them. 
« Last Edit: December 05, 2021, 01:37:38 PM by 1footouttadefog »

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JollyJazz

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Re: I didn't realize it was grief
« Reply #12 on: December 05, 2021, 10:07:04 PM »
Shy turtle, I'm so so sorry to hear about the loss of your partner. Sending a big hug  :bighug:

Grief is such an important process for healing.

I think when we are in or leave PD relationships it's kind of a double whammy of grief, grief for what what we though the relationship could have been, and a reopening of the old scars,the shadow of the PD relationship/s from our FOO, and the grief that comes with that.

It takes a lot of time to go through the grief process but being able to be supported and enabled to feel whatever you need to is the way through. I hope you have a good support network at this difficult time.
May you have the warmth and support and time to grieve fully. Take as long as you need, and may you heal as deeply as possible over time
🤗

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JustKeepTrying

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Re: I didn't realize it was grief
« Reply #13 on: December 05, 2021, 11:18:21 PM »
My condolences for your loss.  I am lifting you up and sending you compassionate thoughts.

I think you are brave.  To walk with grief, look at and recognize it and feel those feelings - that is bravery.

As a society we are conditioned to say things like "Everything happens for a reason" and other bs.  But the reality is you feel it and you are entitled to feel your feelings and it all hurts and its' all crap and it stinks.

Sending you hugs.