I'm Out, But Missing Dr. Jekyll

Started by Lookin 2 B Free, July 28, 2020, 04:00:48 PM

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Lookin 2 B Free

New here.  BPDx (with NPD traits) has been gone almost a year and a half.  We were in some long distance contact until Dec. when I rebuffed his efforts to reunite and he became vindictive in a way I had not seen before.  I cut all contact.  My grown kids are from a prior marriage - no issues there.  I'd never set a NC boundary before and was surprised, after 3 or 4 unsuccessful attempts, he gave up trying.  It is for the best, I know.  I pray everyday he finds goodness in his life, even though I will never hear about it.

I miss Dr. Jekyll.  We both had major trauma in our pasts, deeply understood each other and were exceptionally close, until he'd split me bad and become verbally/emotionally abusive and occasionally scary.   Also, it was hard for me to have any life of my own, pursue interests, spend hardly any time with family or friends, really do anything besides be his junior sidekick.  (Though I would anyway  and just pay the price.)  Still, I miss the part of him that was so open and loving, the play, laughter and closeness we had when we weren't on the outs. 

I've been quarantining alone since March, when living alone is something I've spent very little time doing in my life and find hard.   I'm slowly building back my connections with others, going to therapy, doing a lot of self-care and self-compassion. I've worked on assertiveness for many years, but seem to be making new strides with it.   I feel I'm very firm in my resolve not to go back. He either can't or won't continue with therapy -- I think it's too scary to face -- something I find heartbreaking but understandable with his particular demons.  I just can't, in good conscience, get back on the enabling roller coaster with all it's destructiveness, instead of trying to use what's left of my life for some good.

It doesn't seem it should take this long to recover from the big hole that was left by our splitting up.  I sometimes wonder if I'll ever feel good and happy and fulfilled again.  I'm not looking to get into another relationship.  To be honest, I feel like a widow.  With no contact, it's finally "game over," not just for the two of us....also for the comfort and distraction from facing my own demons that came with decades of focusing on a partner whose problems were bigger & more obvious than my own.  Who would have known?  Now comes the hard work, I guess.


Noname1959

I understand this. My relationship was so unhealthy but there was some good - and I mourn what I will never have with him - a healthy loving relationship. He couldn't see that this was his issue - although many therapists tried to tell him.

I feel cheated.

notrightinthehead

It took me over two years of NC to feel better.  I expected to be ecstatic with joy when I was out, but I felt lower than I had when the relationship was still going. There is so much damage and it takes a long time to heal.
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

Lookin 2 B Free

I'm so sorry for anyone feeling this pain and grief as well.  Though it is helpful to have it shared with me so I know I'm not the only one.  People close to me probably think I should be jumping for joy.  They never knew the whole story, either the worst or the best of it.

I just remembered this piece by Elizabeth Gilbert on grief which touched my heart:

"Grief is a force of energy that cannot be controlled or predicted. It comes and goes on its own schedule. Grief does not obey your plans, or your wishes. Grief will do whatever it wants to you, whenever it wants to. In that regard, Grief has a lot in common with Love."

Blessings to you, my new friends!

FreeSophia

I am sorry for what you are going through. It is so so hard because of that damn Dr. Jekyll side. I wish that my pdH didn't have a Dr. Jekyll side. I wish it is was all just Mr. Hyde because that would be so so damn easy to break away from. Good for you for breaking free. I am currently balancing on the precipice where I just don't want to give up on Dr. Jekyll but I sure don't want to let Mr. Hyde back. It's all hard. I want the strength to break free like you did.

Lookin 2 B Free

I am just reading your post, Sophia.  I'm so sorry if your heart has been torn like mine has.  Leaving has been a long process for me and this wasn't my first shot at it. At this point it just feels 100% wrong anymore - for me, for him, for anyone - to keep trying to make it work.  I guess that's what gives me my resolve when I'm missing him.  What NotRight said about it taking 2 yrs of NC to start feeling better was very helpful for me.  I want to heal and not need to be in an unhealthy relationship and right now I feel willing to put in that kind of time to do it.  All the best to you!