Sadder than I have ever been in my life

[Geeky Gramma]

I have never known grief like I know it now.

My mother, who was my main (emotional) abuser, passed away in my home on hospice, with me as her primary caregiver, at the end of January.  I had already been on my healing journey for 2 years, and learning more and more about my CPTSD.  I had also been in marriage counseling with my (narcissistic tendencies) husband for about a year.

At the same time, my son, who is a full blown narcissist and had been estranged from us for many years, was served with an injunction for abuse.  He and his wife had been separated for months and we didn't know it.  His cruelty and abuse is astounding.

As time has gone on and during the pandemic, my husband managed to sabotage marriage counseling, causing counseling to end..  Things have gone from bad to worse, and I have now separated myself from my husband and have moved into the guest room.  I have finally taken a stand, and will not reconcile with him unless he takes responsibility and seeks help for himself. I feel very emotionally unsafe with the way he has been.   

My symptoms have been getting worse and worse , and the triggering has been incredibly intense.  I really cannot take much more.  I am depressed and anxious at the same time, and the dread of knowing that my marriage is potentially over is enough to make me think I cannot go on.  I grew up in a nightmare, and ended up marrying into a nightmare.

I am remaining in my own personal counseling, and working on my own healing, self care, and trying so hard to have compassion for myself.  I feel so very alone.  My adult kids don't yet know we are separated, and hiding it from them is literally killing me with stress.  I feel so incredibly sad and hurt.  I don't want to be divorced.  I don't want to be separated.  I don't want any of this.

I am barely living.  I am barely functioning.  I cannot remember what it feels like to be happy.  I do not know how I managed to get to this place.  Thank you for listening.

[Bunnyme]

I'm so sorry.  You have every right to feel everything you are feeling.  It would be a lot for anyone.  Remember that their issues are their issues.  You are not the problem.  It IS unfair.  But you can come out the other side of this stronger.  It is awful right now, but you have to get through the crap to get to the good.  It sounds like you selflessly cared for your mom, and be proud of yourself for that.  Your son is feeling the consequences for his behavior.  It is the only way he may be sparked to change.  You will get the better life you deserve.  I'm so glad you are in counseling for yourself.  Keep posting here. 

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, GG, and very glad you found this forum.  I, too, have CPTSD, and at times feel stunningly alone after having separated last year. 

I am with you on keeping up with the self care.  That can be hard for some of us to do when so emotionally triggered.  How wonderful that you are doing all you are -- working on healing, maintaining counseling,  cultivating self-compassion, and finding new places to reach out for support.  This is huge!  What a wonderful use of your energy!  After all, the only person we have much affect on is ourselves.

I try to remind myself that I may feel very alone, but I am not alone.  Love to you and all the other fellow travelers on this path!   Please let us know how you are doing.

[Jsinjin]

I'm so very very sorry.  I truly pray for you that you have some peace while you grieve.   I hope that you can find rest at night and can focus on Andy small good things during the day.

Thoughts and prayers.

[notrightinthehead]

I want to add my welcome Geeky Gramma. Sounds like you have hit rock bottom. I am sorry you had to find us and glad you did. Please check out the Toolbox for strategies how to protect yourself when interacting with your h and your son.  Good, that you continue with your own counselling. Try to get as much support in real life as you can. Are there people you can trust, who know about what is going on with you?
There is a lot of literature that you might benefit from 'Stop walking on eggshells' was the one that opened my eyes and made me find this site.
I also experienced that once my main abuser was out of my life, I went on a steep downward spiral.  I think it is because we need to suppress our feelings so much in order to cope and when this is no longer neccessary - all these feelings come up and hit us hard.
Anyway, keep reading and posting on this site, you have stumbled upon a treasure chest of information and support!

[soalone]

Hi Geeky Gramma,

I came on to the forum now, in order to write how Im feeling so sad and broken and hopeless.
I really relate to your post. Sometimes the sadness is so all-encompassing that its literally hard to breath. Even my lungs are paralyzed by the pain.

I will not hijack your thread with my story, but know that you are not alone. I wish I had words of encouragement and hope. Im told its out there. That tomorrow can be brighter.

For now,  all I can do is try to hold on via the experience of others who have made it through the night, and come out on the other side of the sun.
I hope this will be enough to help me hold on...

[tommom]

Geeky gramma and so alone, I understand where you are, as do many people on this site. You are not alone here.

You have been through an incredible amount of misery in a few short months.

Taking care of yourself is of tantamount importance IMHO, GG. Good for you. Notright makes good reading suggestions; I think many of us have found the reading suggestions we have found here to be of great help.

You will find solace and, often, much needed help and understanding here.

Welcome.

[hhaw]

GG:

I'm sorry you're suffering.  Endings like this... like divorce... are more than an ending to a relationship, IME.

It's the end to an attempt to heal childhood problems and relationships IN THE PRESENT, IME.. and that's just not possible to do. No matter how hard we work.  How log we try... we can't fix problems in the past.... in the present.  Not with someone else.

If you can.... go ahead and feel the things coming up.  The sadness.   The loss.   They're real and you're entitled to your feelings.  Crying in the shower, with all you've got..... the way you cried when you were a child.... without stopping yourself by holdi.ng your breathe.... just let yourself have that sadness.  It needs to come out.   It's OK to be kind and compassionate with yourself, like you would a child.  I think it's your child self experiencing these feelings... unable to resolve original issues... but trying to hard.  Giving up isn't he end of the world, IME. 

It likely is the end of a situation that just isn't working, and won't ever work. 

Just breathe into it.... fill your lungs from the bottom to the top.... slowly... like you're filling a vase.   Push out your lower stomach as you breathe in..... focus on that breathe.   Breathe out slowly. 

If you can't focus enough to breathe calmly.... maybe push on a door jamb, with EVERYTHING you've got..... pushing and pushing, then try to breathe again.  See if that helps.

But do give yourself permission to mourne, without shame or humiliation or confusion.  It is what it is... and it IS sad. 

I hope your therapist is trauma informed, and perhaps does work with EMDR.   I found that to be super helpful. 

You WILL feel better, even if you divorce..... feeling relief and happiness is on the way.  Trust you'll be grateful to feel the sun on your face again.  The wind on your skin. 

Please drop judgment around everything... yourself, your husband, your marriage, and see if you can't get very very curious. 

Tune in to what's going on, underneath the things.... internally... for yourself.  There are lessons and gifts of knowledge if you can learn to sit in nonjudgmental awareness... to rest in that place of wondering what's beneath the emotions..... simply paying attention to what comes up.... without fear and judgment.   I promise.... examining your internal world leads to feeling better.... not all at once, but eventually and amazingly, IME. 

Drop expectation, if and when you can... around everything.  Around a possible divorce.  Don't spend time spinning tales of being divorced, etc.  That's not real.  The emotions around it aren't real.  Don't let them control you.... and if they do.... it will pass.  Be gentle with yourself.  Try again to shift into focusing on your breathing..... on what's going on inside your body.... can you find the stress or pain or tension inside yourself?  Put your hands on it... name it?  Give it a number from 1 to 10.... how intense is it? 

Go back into breathing,  but this time really focus on the place in your body where it lives.... and breathe space around it..... I picture pink cotton.... expanding.... pushing out.... creating spaciousness around the distress.  I notice the space above me... around me..... in my peripheral vision.... beneath me.  I notice the colors around me.... the shapes.... then I check the number again.... did the pain or pressure improve?  If so, continue breathing and focusing on the feeling until it's gone OR it stops improving. 

Sometimes it's necessary to focus on a part of yourself that feels neutral.  Your hands or shins?  And focus on that as you breathe..... notice how the feelings in those areas change.  I usually experience intense tingling... and then I can go back to focusing on the distress again. 

No matter what happens, you are home, inside yourself... you have arrived and you are safe.  You don't feel that yet, but your T will walk you through and out the other side.  Stick with it, if it's the rigth therapist for you, and know.....
you will be glad to be alive again soon enough. 

You are a lovely person and deserve to have all the negative voices banished from your internal world.  They're there bc they were installed by other people , and they don't belong.  They weren't there when you were born... you were a perfect little being, and in time you'll remember her/yourself.... you'll find yourself again, and make friends.... BE your greatest resource.  Trust yourself.   Enjoy your own company.

It just takes time. 
You're worth the investment.

Breathe your way out of the fear and sadness.  You're experiencing a biochemical hijack when you can't get out of the anxiety and sadness.... it's normal to get stuck in your survival brain... your fight of flight brain, particularly where trauma is involved.  Trauma shuts down our brains, and trauma loops around, asking for attention.... waiting for us to calm our brains enough... waiting for a moment to finish processing the old trauma... it's not hard... it only takes a millisecond to do it.  Our brains are good at processing, they do it all the time. It's that darned trauma.... that halts the process.  So calm yourself down... through your breathing.... and know calming yourself will calm your brain and your brain will begin processing again...moving the trauma INTO your processing center... your limbic system, so it can be processed and refiled into historic files where it belongs, finally. 

The trauma is asking your for attention.... for you to tend to it, like a small child.  Be very gentle and patient.  Learning to do these things  is a process.  Never perfect, even for practiced monks, so be kind and gentle and keep trusing you'll be OK.

You're more powerful than you think.

Welcome GG.  It's going to get better, I promise.  So many wise posters here to hold your hand.  So many stories of people who've been where you are..... to hold lights up down the path you're traveling.

it's going to be OK. 

[PeanutButter]

Hi GeekyGramma. Welcome! Good on you for staying in your own therapy.

Im glad you reached out here and joined us on a wonderful journey. It is wonderful because out of the ashes we rise and become who we were meant to be before the parental units and other adults wrote their unresolved issues on our perfectly clean slates we were born with.

A turning point for me was becoming aware of my inner negative talk. I was able to began observing this inner dialoge instead of absorbing it as reality.

"Where Do Critical Inner Voices Come From?
These inner voices usually come from early life experiences that are internalized and taken in as ways we think about ourselves. Often, many of these negative voices come from our parents or primary care takers, as children we pick up on the negative attitudes that parents not only have towards their children but also toward themselves.  Our voices can also come from interactions with peers and siblings, or influential adults."
https://www.psychalive.org/critical-inner-voice/

IME Hhaw's words are so inspired by emotional health and wise from that which she has grown through. I cherish her posts.

If you can do nothing else I hope you can do the breathing and focusing on your physical body as she explains.

Simple breathing exercises and focusing on my body's physical reactions were helpful to get me out of 'stuck in my head' where the negative talk was contoling my thoughts, emotions, and reactions.

I couldnt properly grieve my losses because of the constant noise.