Do you experience Atomic Control? Your stories please?

[tragedy or hope]

In a store. Looking at greenhouses.  this is my first year gardening. I decided I will get one in the future when I am better at plants. I have 4 small planters with only about 4 or 5 with anything edible on them. ( I can kill a silk plant!)

Unpdh says... "don't you want one of these, we could put it in X next to blah blah.. I say "no... " after 5 mins. of persuasion, i take the tag to purchase a $400 item I don't really want. Before we get to register... "I don't really want this. I don't want to spend the money right now," Unpdh, "ok."

Next day, goes back to store alone to get something... comes home with greenhouse for me! "I don't want it! Take it back! I told you I don't want spend the money. I want a fence! " I hear... "yes but I thought you would...." "I was just trying to please you. I thought if you got one of these..." whatever!

Then all morning discussion ensues... "should I take it back today? I have 90 days I have the receipt. " I say," doesn't matter. do what you like."

Another discussion... "well, it might rain and it will get wet in the back of my truck. do you think it is going to rain? Did you want to go with me? How much space do you think there is in your SUV?"

Exhausting! For 30 seconds I reconsidered in my own head. That would have been horrifying. He does this with all kinds of stuff.  Not the purchase but constant trying to get me to change my mind or accept something I don't want.

This was not the first. Once many years ago he came home with a van we had looked at the previous weekend. I could not understand why he was so late from work... till he pulled in the driveway! Two bucket seats... we had just had our first child... no thought about the baby. I didn't even like the color he got persuaded to buy. A cross between yellow and mustard. the ugliest brand new empty van I had ever seen!

[losingmyself]

Yes! I found a gun that was like one I used to have when I hunted. It was super nice, I liked it a lot. However, it was more than $400.00, and I don't hunt anymore. haven't for 20 years. We didn't buy it, but, holy smokes, I had to just about drag him out of the store, and every time we go to that town, "Do you want to stop and get that gun??" It's like that with so any things. Unless I say I need shoes...which I only do if I actually need them. Then he has a fit.
I think it's in an effort to be able to say that he got me everything I wanted.
How about just not saying shitty things? How about normal? That I would love. And doesn't cost anything.

[ToAudrey]

So sorry you are dealing with that behavior. Yes I have experienced similar. No is supposed to be a full sentence but it doesn't always work that that with some people. It sometimes help when I am explicit that I am admiring a thing but do not want to possess the thing. Seems you did already try being very direct that you aspire to a greenhouse but did not want it now.

H has a number of collectibles and a hard time with limiting a collection. The third bedroom is his den but you can barely walk in there with a small path from the door to the opening for the closet. No way to enjoy what he has in there and more keeps being added. Then he'd pick up little things for me for some shelves I have for collectibles in my hobby room. He just comes in and puts them there. No asking if I wanted the item and certainly not if I wanted where he arranged it. So now I have additional clutter I did not want in places I do not want them. At first I appreciated the gift but as it kept happening I came to see it wasn't about me at all. I'm just a background character to move around and set up as it suits.

[tragedy or hope]

Yikes! More to the story. Today, he met with his men's group. I guess he talked about MY garden, (so little to talk about) and as a result, came home with two tomatoe fences and stakes. One of the guys he gave a ride to gave them to him. First, they are too large for my container plants AND the containers. N thinks it is just great that his friend gave them to me for free. Insinuating that out of deference to his reputation I should be grateful.

Forget it. I hate that he talks about me and my challenges to people I don't even care to know. this is how he has manipulated me throughout our marriage. I don't want to be connected to people he knows. He finds ways to create a web for me. He creates entourages for himself then I as his primary focus of victimization etc... must see him with his entourage to "appreciate" just how likable he is. About as likable as an ax murderer. No one knows what he has done in the past to me, or how he treats me when he can get away with it. They would NEVER think such a thing of him.

The entourage is to improve his own self worth.

He is rescuing this guy.  He told me the guy said he has "been a loner all his life." Isn't that special. I have been lonely for 1/2 a century but he will bend over backwards to make this guy feel like he has a friend. Even if it means using my interests to do it. They are wholly diabolical.

All I want is a small fence for my garden.

It's like the bookshelves he was supposed to build for me. He does not like what I want, so temporarily he went out and bought some shelves I hate.
Impression management.

Anyway... 4 years later I still do not have what I wanted. And my books have been ransacked! he has only gotten worse with age.

[not broken]

This can happen daily at my house and not just about purchases, but about doing things for me that I specifically say, thank you but I would like to do it myself. I could literally be talking to my daughter about making her a sandwich and will all of a sudden just start doing it.  Then when I say I can do it, he is (gasp!) offended because "he was just trying to help me."

At the end of the day, he believes whatever I didn't have or do, that he got for me or did for me, out of the kindness of his heart, because he wanted to, is something I should be grateful for and shower him with praise and admiration.  If I am not and don't..... he is offended, I am inconsiderate, and why didn't I show him more appreciation?  Which can then also turn into I don't love him as much as he loves me, because I never did and he always has.  EX-HAUSTING!

[Lauren17]

Oh yes. Many stories, but here is the one that comes to mind.
Several years ago, H says something  offhand about our old home movies. I reminded him that I don't like watching those.
2-3 weeks later is our anniversary, so he takes me to this store where they have transferred all of our home movies to DVD. This was my gift and he was so excited! I was furious. I'd just reminded him I don't like to watch those.
His reasoning is that since it's a gift, I have to watch them and I have to be delighted about it.
I refuse to watch. He begs and pesters and finally says, the kids really want to watch them. It's not fair, Lauren, for you to keep the kids from watching. So he rounds up the kids and puts in the disc. (Kids weren't interested)
About 10 minutes in, I go and lock myself in the bathroom with the fan on so I don't have to hear the TV and do the kids can't hear me crying.
Then comes the guilt.
He's sooooo sorry! He really wanted it to be a surprise. He had no idea I didn't want to watch the old movies.
The next day, he brings me the DVD, gently sets it next to me and sadly, sadly, suggests I give it to my mom. He went to all that trouble and expense for such a nice gift. It shouldn't go to waste.

Personally, I think this is an example of him expecting me to feel his feelings for him. And I didn't. Like Audrey says, we are background characters in their life story, moved at will to suit the narrative.

[Associate of Daniel]

Thankfully this hasn't been my experience, although I do remember 2 occasions when my uNPD exH did something like it.

My difficulty was that I was basically ignored by him. He showed no interest in anything I did.

In light of what you're experiencing, I guess I should be thankful!

Just as an aside though, good luck with the gardening.

I can't even grow compost and somehow manage to kill worms.

I bought myself a tomato plant a couple of years ago that was advertised as being impossible not to grow.

Yeah.  Lovely luscious leaves and no sign of any fruit. It died.

I recently bought a strawberry plant.  Within a week most of the leaves had fallen off or started to wither.

So frustrating.  But, I can play a couple of musical instruments and sing.  That's a point.  Maybe I should have sung to the plants...

AOD