5 Years NC and feeling Great!

Zeus · July 28, 2020, 11:20:13 PM

It's been 5 years since I had my last encounter with my Mother who has a lot of problems. It required me to completely shut off all communication with my family and make an honest life of my own.

Although there are some hard times (Christmas and such events), I have to say it's the best decision I've ever made.
I am such a stronger person, I'm now a person who believes and loves himself, and has people around me who respect me and love me.

5 years ago, this was far from the case. I battled with inner demons, feelings of guilt and shame, and personal hatred. I battled to contain these emotions so I used drugs and alcohol to suppress them. It took a few years to get over that final encounter with her, it was really hard those first few years. It required medication, a lot of therapy and some time in hospital to get over the things she had done to me and what I was doing to myself. However, after all that pain, I feel free. I feel a sense of peace. It was indeed worth it. The past couple of years has been the best years of my life.

It required hard decisions on my part. She was forcing me to choose between the person I loved and her. I always choose her when I was younger, I felt a sense of guilt. However, as I got older, I realised she used that guilt against me, to control me. When it came down to choosing, the choice was easy.

I now have a life motto for how I perceive her - "You broke the boy in me, but you won't break the Man." (Great song St. Elmo's Fire)

I like to focus on the present as much as I can. Sometimes it's harder than other times. Sometimes it's easy.

I have a beautiful fiancé who loves me to bits and treats me with respect. I have three beautiful puppies who are my little shadows. Both my partner and I have a successful business. We have a beautiful home which we are so proud of. I have three beautiful god children who absolutely adore me. I have made a supportive family to surround myself with. I am happy. This is my present.

PeanutButter · July 29, 2020, 12:21:50 AM

Zeus welcome!

Thank you for sharing your testament! It is one you can be proud of. Congratulations on multiple hard won yet well deserved successes.

I also used drugs and alcohol over the years to numb the pain. It is so much better to feel and express now instead.

I have 3 cat babies. Animals bring joy.ime I try to learn how to love unconditionally from them.

Im glad you have joined our community!

Blueberry Pancakes · July 29, 2020, 09:33:34 AM

Hello Zeus and thank you for sharing what life can look like 5 years after making the choice to prioritize your own well being. Also showing a testament that letting go of people who are harmful brings us to a better place. It is alarming to realize how much we are pulled down by allowing dysfunctional people in our life. Yours is a success story, and I offer my support to you as you continue on this path.

Adria · July 29, 2020, 09:50:26 AM

Congratulations Zeus,

You conquered some big demons!

QuoteI have a beautiful fiancé who loves me to bits and treats me with respect. I have three beautiful puppies who are my little shadows. Both my partner and I have a successful business. We have a beautiful home which we are so proud of. I have three beautiful god children who absolutely adore me. I have made a supportive family to surround myself with. I am happy. This is my present.

You have much! I am so happy for you. Keep moving forward!

Starboard Song · July 29, 2020, 01:57:12 PM

Quote from: PeanutButter on July 29, 2020, 12:21:50 AM
Zeus welcome!

Thank you for sharing your testament!

Yes! Adding to the thanks, the congratulations, and the welcome!

I am pushing 5 years myself.

Amadahy · July 29, 2020, 02:33:10 PM

Well done, Zeus! I am very happy for you!

SunnyMeadow · July 29, 2020, 02:50:55 PM

Glad you're here and congratulations!

Concerned One · August 15, 2020, 09:09:32 AM

Quote from: Zeus on July 28, 2020, 11:20:13 PM
It's been 5 years since I had my last encounter with my Mother who has a lot of problems. It required me to completely shut off all communication with my family and make an honest life of my own.

Although there are some hard times (Christmas and such events), I have to say it's the best decision I've ever made.
I am such a stronger person, I'm now a person who believes and loves himself, and has people around me who respect me and love me.

5 years ago, this was far from the case. I battled with inner demons, feelings of guilt and shame, and personal hatred. I battled to contain these emotions so I used drugs and alcohol to suppress them. It took a few years to get over that final encounter with her, it was really hard those first few years. It required medication, a lot of therapy and some time in hospital to get over the things she had done to me and what I was doing to myself. However, after all that pain, I feel free. I feel a sense of peace. It was indeed worth it. The past couple of years has been the best years of my life.

It required hard decisions on my part. She was forcing me to choose between the person I loved and her. I always choose her when I was younger, I felt a sense of guilt. However, as I got older, I realised she used that guilt against me, to control me. When it came down to choosing, the choice was easy.

I now have a life motto for how I perceive her - "You broke the boy in me, but you won't break the Man." (Great song St. Elmo's Fire)

I like to focus on the present as much as I can. Sometimes it's harder than other times. Sometimes it's easy.

I have a beautiful fiancé who loves me to bits and treats me with respect. I have three beautiful puppies who are my little shadows. Both my partner and I have a successful business. We have a beautiful home which we are so proud of. I have three beautiful god children who absolutely adore me. I have made a supportive family to surround myself with. I am happy. This is my present.

Hello there. Can I ask if you experienced guilt. And if so, what you did about it?

Worthy One · August 24, 2020, 08:10:46 AM

Congrats on your new life! I as well have been no contact with my family for 5 years. Best decision ever! I also used alcohol to numb myself, but have not had a drink since I decided to leave that situation. I also find that those voiced I used to hear, telling me Im unlovable are slowly fading. I now see that all those negative qualities they said I had was actually the opposite. It's what they needed me to feel about myself so they could get narcissistic supply from me. I am truly happy for you! Live your best life!

dadsdump · August 26, 2020, 05:02:01 PM

This brought a tear to my eye! Be proud of the life you've created and Enjoy!!

BettyGray · September 04, 2020, 07:41:23 AM

Zeus,
That is wonderful to hear. Your story is mine - 5 years for me too. I am a completely different person. At the time of NC I knew about NPD (through therapy & lots of reading), but until I found this forum, I never knew about the other personality disorders, namely BPD. All of the pieces fit - it was really eye-opening. I never knew about C-PTSD, and getting that diagnosis helped me process what had happened to me.

Sobriety helped a lot (7 years this summer - woohoo!), as did going back on medication & lots of therapy. But this forum has been one of the most healing things to ever happen to me.

Ways I (and my life) am different now:

1. No more self-criticism. I had no idea how much influence FOO had over my self esteem. Just making the decision to stand my ground by staying NC empowered me in a completely new way. It was thrilling. I used to let that horrible voice in my head rule me - every extra pound, the clothes I wore, every time imI felt inferior. I used to really beat myself up for every little mistake I made. After NC, it all went away. Now I am kind to myself - I know I am good enough. It pains me to see others put themselves down, and I offer encouragement to those still in that mindset.

2. Confrontation no longer scares me. I stand up for myself, but do it in a way that isn't JADE-ing. I don't owe anyone an explanation for my self-preservation. I don't allow people to speak to me in derogatory ways. I know how to disarm their hostility and bullying.

3. I can regulate my emotions. After being reactionary and extremely emotional my entire life, I am able to recognize triggers and not let them own me. Some of this is no doubt my meds, but I feel unshakable and can be rational in a way I never had been.

4. I can see manipulation and gaslighting in progress. It's like wearing night vision goggles. Dysfunctional and toxic people are everywhere and the covert abusers are no longer covert to me. Tactics and patterns are all the same with abusers. After you learn to recognize them, it's almost funny and pathetic to watch them try to use those tactics on you. Whether it's someone trying (and failing) to control my emotions or someone else's, I know how to shut it down. It's liberating to beat them at their own game and let them stew that I am immune.

5. Overall positivity. I realize that negative and critical people don't have a place in my life, nor should they. I am grateful for what I have, and it propels me toward hope and not despair. If I feel myself sliding backwards, i now have the ability to recognize it and take control before I spiral.

6. NO MORE DRAMA! Before NC, I didn't realize that some people deliberately sow chaos in other people's lives. Now that I do, it's so easy to spot and avoid. It's also become clearer to me that most people have very little emotional intelligence. I don't mean that in a condescending way...it's just true. We here in the forum have had to develop a high level of EI to survive. I try to be patient with them, but don't make the mistake of assuming they "get it."

7. I know that no matter what happens, I will be ok. I feel like all the awful things I've been through in my 50 years have mattered and helped me get to this point. Resilience has given me peace and confidence in trying situations. Before N.C., I never realized how powerful I was - or that I had a choice to not give it to other people.

8. I used to feel like a freak for not having any close friends. Now I just don't judge myself - FOC is solid, and DH is there for me. I am ok being alone and do not feel I am missing anything by trying to be someone I am not.

9. I know I am not alone in my situation. Discovering this forum has opened my eyes as to just how many others have suffered at the hands of PDs. This forum is like a warm, cozy blanket in a snowstorm.

10. I understand just how brainwashed our society is when it comes to the concept of family. "But she's your MOTHER! (Sister, father, aunt, whomever)"..."Family is the most important thing"..."You only get one family"...."You'll be sorry when they're gone" ... "Blood is thicker than water". ... tired cliches that used to trigger me - I know they're just projections and easy responses to things that make THEM uncomfortable. Most will never understand that abuse takes many forms and that just because they have good enough parents doesn't mean everyone else does. Other people's reactions to my situation don't matter - AT ALL. If they minimize or break out one of the classics listed above, it's pretty easy to shut them right down with a quick "Abuse is NOT love."

I could go on but I will stop at 10. It is my hope that Zeus's and my testimonies will help those still struggling to get over the hump. Liberation is not a straight road - it's unpredictable, there's no timeline, and at points it may feel like it's never going to come. But it will. For me, it was being unwavering in my NC. Self-doubt gets us nowhere. Forging ahead in our conviction and integrity is the way forward to the peace we ache for and in most cases, have never known.

If you think about toxic people as cancerous predators, it will help with the guilt part. If you think about how hard you fought to get here, it reinforces your choice.

If you doubt your decision to put the ultimate boundary of in place, and consider breaking it, try to understand what is making you feel that way. Guilt? Fear? Obligation? You wouldn't cut off chemo in the middle of treatment, allowing the cancer to spread. You would protect your health and make all the suffering worth it so you can make the most of the life you have left.

Zeus, I stand with you, ready to help our friends here get to the other side, and to welcome as they cross the bridge to liberation from darkness and chaos.

Love to you all. Xoxo.

Boat Babe · September 04, 2020, 01:46:23 PM

Liz1018 ,. That was a wonderful post and I am gonna have to cute, paste and print it! So inspiring. Thank you.

BettyGray · September 05, 2020, 07:32:57 AM

Boat Babe,

So glad I could help. I am just paying it forward. The wise souls here who guided through the darkest parts of the last 5 years showed me what true compassion looks like, and how family takes many forms. Peace to you and yours.

Stardust1982 · November 22, 2020, 05:07:02 PM

@LIZ1018 That was so wonderful! It gave me a lot of hope that I can go NC again and sustain it for my entire life.

I went NC in 2016 and navigated it for 4 years. The feeling of loneliness and being an orphan was too overwhelming to me and so I called them this February and resumed contact. To which of course they said yes because how can they say no to getting their drug back and using it again?

My wish is to start again LC in December and see if it works or if I could even go NC next year-and cut them off completely.

Cheers