What did you say/do when you went NC/VLC with your family?

[BefuddledClarity]

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Yaw: Eldest brother who's the yesman of our PDmother lives with her.
Kwasi: Older brother who empathizes too much with everyone, lives in same providence/state as me.
Kofi: Younger brother, whose the reckless, lose cannon that everyone enables and may be PD himself like our mother.

All names I use are fake and tend to be puns or were picked for an underlying meaning...
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What did you say/do when you went NC/VLC with your family

It has been about a week or so since I have spoken to any of my brothers.

Aproximately 2 days ago or so, Yaw shoot me a text to let me know that PD M had sent me a package...Last time we spoke, he had asked if we needed anything and I said no, we don't and ended the conversation after we had an intense discussion about Kofi, where he did not agree with my word choice of calling Kofi a terrible person and for using people for whatever he needs. Funnily enough, Yaw thought it was appropriate to ask what we need right after, as though to flip it around when we NEVER ask for anything.

Despite saying "No, we don't need anything", they, or should I say PDmother, decided to send a package anyways. Just yesterday I receive another text inquiring if I collected the package yet. I still have not responded, but to answer the question: I did. It was handmade shoes for the little one and some masks that happen to be in my favourite colour. I didn't fully take it out of the bag. I inspected it for a little while before laying it down somewhere, unopened.

The relationship with my mother can best be described as: strolling leisurely past stores, but then being stopped by an obnoxious salesperson, who tries too hard to appear as friendly as possible and relateable, but is actually sly and underhanded, in order to sell their product. In otherwords, I don't have a close relationship AT ALL with my M. The most recent I "chatted" with her, her rather when she last talked AT me or played her favourite interrogation game, 20+ questions with BefuddledClarity, was about a month ago. Why did we speak? We spoke because Yaw forced me on video chat with M since I had my son with me on videocall with Yaw. After 10mins or maybe less, I decided I had family obligations to do at that moment and left. It felt rather awkward being talked to by that random saleswoman PDmother.

Yaw finally 'musters up the courage' to give his 'heart-felt, sincere' apology afterwards knowing FULLY WELL how I feel about both of our parents. This isn't my first rodeo hearing his BS "apology", just so he doesn't have to feel bad about it after the fact or really, to save face.

Back then, I used to voice my opinions more, in what my FOO would describe in a rather "aggressive" fashion. I was known as the "angry, aggressive one" in my FOO and they wouldn't strip me of such title. Everyone else I met along the road said I'm the mellow, **happiest person they met so I'm not sure how my FOO came to that conclusion. Anywho,  I've been letting FOO's behaviour slide by not saying much and staying out of it, however, now I feel like a fool.

**to be honest...I appear happy on the outside but haven't been feeling "happy" for a long time. If I am, it's short lived. I try to live as content as possible at the least. Happiness isn't easy.**

After all this mess, I need a break from my family right now and don't want to feed into this. I don't need help to get my son clothes, and even if/when I did, they'll be the last people I ask.

One time, PD mother said if I ever have a baby with my ACoN significant other, it'd be a drug baby. You know why? Because my significant other SMOKES but I do not. Suprise, surprise! I have a baby now! Guess who wants to see him all the time? Exactly.

Then she judges my SO for stupid things like him being "too short"(He's a good 5" shorter than me but I don't care about height. I happen to be a rather tall lady, so I know how it feels on the other side ). Another reason she judged him was because he also had to drop out of school early because his OWN PARENT NEGLECTED HIM, she judged him on that, even thought SHE DROPPED OUT TOO, AT AN EARLIER AGE. She even used to smoke the same greens like he does currently!!! I don't know what her problem is.(Well, I do, she's hateful and doesn't like ANY of her in-laws because they're not perfect in her eyes).

Anyhow, I thought fading out would be easy-peasy, due to my brothers all SUCKING at texting/calling. I used to be the one making the effort all the time.

Kofi went about a couple months without talking to me. We stopped again recently, after I called him out on his behaviour(See Sibling is always causing trouble to get an idea of how he's like).

As for Kwasi, we used to hang out a lot before the pandemic. But...before the pandemic my FOO likes to surprise visit in our area...So I feel rather conflicted in staying in contact with him as well. Plus, as much as he agrees with me that it's not necessarily "right" what our FOO does, he always tries to empathize with them...he empathize with the stupid crap Kofi did and said "Kofi's still learning and doesn't know better now, he's young" also we got into a really STUPID arguement about Kofi...

Basically, Kofi met this random girl within for like two weeks that's from out of his providence/state, he asks her out, moves her in the apartment(that Pdmother and Yaw pay for), "scores" with her to get that off his "check-list " ,then claims she's annoying and clingy, and wants to get away from her but doesn't know what to do because if he kicks her out, she has no where to go. And if he lives with PDmother(which he considered) she can't pay for rent. She...also has red flags too with the way she is. For example, she threatened to kill herself if Kofi leaves. Kofi asked me for advice when he complained about his GF and I already told him to call the police if she says that because that means she needs help and to COMMUNICATE WITH HIS GF if he thinks she's THAT CLINGY. But nope, he rather not say anything to not rock the boat...what?


Anyways enough of my rambling, so back to the question:

What did you say/do when you went NC/VLC with your family

[Starboard Song]

We didn't take NC lightly.

We were being rejected by my in-laws, who only wanted contact with our son, but not with us. Seeing that as morally unacceptable, we notified them that them not wanting a relationship with us made them ineligible for a relationship with our son. We spent about 4 sentences explaining what that meant. And we concluded that we hoped they'd one day want a relationship with all of us.

The definition of our NC that gave was exhaustive: they couldn't visit with our son, were not welcomed at any soccer or karate competitions, and that we wouldn't accept any cards or gifts or letters from them.

We've always been willing to accept a phone call on my own phone, because we always believe it right, in our circumstances, to leave an opening.

[BefuddledClarity]

Hello Starboard Song,

How did going NC affect you and your spouse initially and as time went on?

My attempts of going NC has been unsuccessful with my FOO(well, PDmother specifically). If I want to be in contact with my siblings, I would undoubtful be in contact with the parents.

Surprisingly, my dad is the only one that seems respectful of my boundaries. I don't really talk much about him in my posts because he's not a reoccuring presence in my life like my mother is---who always finds a way to come back in. He'll pop up maybe once a year if even that.

Yaw lives with our PD mother, and I feel like a fool for trusting him not to relay back what I say to mother to use as fuel.

It may have gotten down to the point where I'll have to go NC with all of them since they come as a "package-deal". If I don't talk to one, then ALL will be upset with me and say I should.

Not sure if I should individually send them messages stating boundaries, send a group message, or slowly fade until they notice I'm done making the effort in the relationship. As I've told them on a couple occassions how I've always been the one to reach out and not them. They either apologize or give me an excuse saying "they don't really reach out to anyone". Okay, that's fine. Just don't expect me to each time.

I guess I'll stick to grey-rocking for now and slow fade...

We didn't take NC lightly.

We were being rejected by my in-laws, who only wanted contact with our son, but not with us. Seeing that as morally unacceptable, we notified them that them not wanting a relationship with us made them ineligible for a relationship with our son. We spent about 4 sentences explaining what that meant. And we concluded that we hoped they'd one day want a relationship with all of us.

The definition of our NC that gave was exhaustive: they couldn't visit with our son, were not welcomed at any soccer or karate competitions, and that we wouldn't accept any cards or gifts or letters from them.

We've always been willing to accept a phone call on my own phone, because we always believe it right, in our circumstances, to leave an opening.

Have they taken you up on that offer since you've been NC with them?

Unfortunately, if I left that opened, my PD M would love bomb me or send Yaw( flying monkey) to contact me in her place...

Instead of phone call, I'll probably replace it with email instead if they REALLY do want to contact or it's something important.


Your post has been insightful for me. I'm sorry that your in-laws treated your family in such a way and it's good that you put up healthy boundaries! I'm still learning how to do that myself.

[Starboard Song]

Well, NC is fighting words. When you tell someone you don't want to contact them, it is pretty likely they'll be upset and pretty unlikely they'll honor the request gracefully.

In our case, my in-laws only wanted contact with our son. They were shocked that we'd disallow that and stick to our guns. They attempted to sweetly ask to see him, or take him on a trip, and we'd politely remind them that he was unavailable. They smeared our reputation in the community once, with somebody who didn't believe them. And then they stopped attempting any contact with us, but continued to mail gifts and cards to our son, which hasn't stopped 5 years later.

NC causes collateral damage: every wedding, family reunion, or funeral for the rest of their lives is a bigger trauma because of NC. If you can make VLC work, that may be easier than the fight. If not, though, then you just have to lock all the communications down and move on.

Good luck!

[GettingOOTF]

I did not say anything. I slowly cut down on contact and limited the duration of phone calls. After a particularly nasty incident with one of my siblings I blocked both of them. I remained in contact with my father for about a year after that.

When I decided to go NC I blocked him on my phone. He's not on Social Media. I didn't tell him or anyone else. It took him about a month to figure it out. My uncle and his wife made a few attempts to get me to speak to my FOO again. I simply stated that I was not prepared to discuss the matter. I am now NC with them too.

Starboard Song is correct that there is collateral damage. I'm sad that I don't have a relationship with my nieces, but it's not worth the abuse and chaos from my family.

Personally I am not open to any contact. My experience has been that VLC doesn't stop the abuse, it simply teaches them to adjust how they abuse to fit the new level of access they have to you.

I have done years of therapy and a lot of work on myself. I am realistic about what it takes to truly change. My FOO are not doing the work. They don't think they are in anyway wrong or party to my being NC so it's unlikely renewed contact will be any different.

NC is a deeply personal decision and people handle it differently based on their personality, cultural views etc. and the level of abuse.  I have, as Starboard Sonf described it, locked down and moved on.

Of course I'm sad about the situation and I wish they were different people but they simply aren't and nothing I do will change how they wish to relate to me.

I will say that after the initial shock and guilt my actions started to fade I felt like a huge weight had been lifted. I felt free to be who I really am vs the version of me I carried around based on my FOO's treatment of me.

[BefuddledClarity]

Starboard Song,

That was a rather awful thing for the in-laws to do! But it's even more confusing that they don't understand why you went NC when they decided to go NC first with you and your spouse, but only talk to your son.

Sorry I have so much more questions but----how did you explain to son about why his parents are no contact with his grandparents? I have a son too, he's still a baby. But I'm not sure what to say when he asks about his grandma (my mother)...

I think VLC is okay to have with my brothers for now, but just having a temporary "no contact break" to get my thoughts gathered.

It's just harder to with the parents...I feel like they're complete strangers to me that randomly show up in my life. My mother tried to homewreck my relationship just like my spouses bio-mom did to ours. It's a mess. They're both pretty similar too...

My H's step-mom is really cool though, and I can see her as a good grandparental role model for my son.

Anyways...I don't know how to deal with my mother as she tends to play victim.

GettingOOTF,

It bites that you also had to deal with the collateral damage, however it's good that you now feel the weight off of your shoulders!

I have been thinking of doing something similar to you, of just not saying anything or slow fade. It would probably seem very out of the blue to send them each a message saying not to contact me.

Personally I am not open to any contact. My experience has been that VLC doesn't stop the abuse, it simply teaches them to adjust how they abuse to fit the new level of access they have to you.

I am a bit worried to expose my son to the dysfunctional dynamic of the **Obscurity family instead of the Clarity family life, especially when he gets older.

**Play on words for my username...Befuddled Clarity...the opposite of that is what my family is...I know, I'm cheesy/lame haha.

I want to be able to give my son the most 'normal' family life he can get...with loving/supporting friends & family...

I do have a question about therapy---do you have advice on finding ones that particular focus on dysfunctional families? I feel like I haven't been about to find a T that topic yet...and also can help navigate through the multi-cultural background---because that carries a HIGH significance to me and my spouse with both of us having immigrant parents--each parent from a different place, some from obscure unknown places that people don't think about---I guess it one way to put it?

I grew up speaking my mothers language as my first but lost it overtime due to country I am at right now but I had to relearn it. And...I just wanted to see how culture/family-dynamics are for other people, maybe with similar background? If I can find a therapist who specializes in that. Because in both my spouse and my background, family is HUGE. It's not common to hear of NC or VLC...I like my culture but...since I see my PD mother in it...I don't know, I get mixed feelings as though I'm an outsider.

Sorry that I'm going off on a random tangent. Anyhow, thank you for your reply! I am learning bit by bit from every post and it helps me reflect my own situation.