How's it like with an ACoN spouse/partner?

[BefuddledClarity]

...Who has fleas?

Both my ACon partner and I worked through quite a bit in our relationship and we both had some fleas...

For example, my significant other used to drink ALL the time and would start name calling. He grew up with both parents being alcoholic[See What to do if in-laws are continually abusive to spouse/partner?]. When he would do that, I would shut down and not say anything at all (something that my PD M used to do was ignore people...). Apart from that, we had issues where he would make plans without consulting me. He'd do that for BIG plans that affected me, such as letting his cousin stay at our house last minute, then staying here for a couple of months until I had my baby without discussion. Originally, we HAVE discussed about his cousin a little bit before, I mentioned I'd like to meet him first before making any decision but that flew out the window the minute his cousin got kicked out for trying to fight his mother's BF and was charged with domestic assault by them. He said to me once, that if had to choose me or his cousin in a hypothetical situation where both cousin and I were in an argument, he would choose his cousin because he knew him longer...Then after pregnancy things started changing. He was a bit more attentive, and less "hanging out with the boys staying out till 1am" and helped me A LOT with the process. But after maternity leave, MIL came into the picture and it was a mess. If you click on the link above about the In-laws, it'll give you an idea.

So pretty much, we've had our ups and downs.

Also...I feel like I'm picking up fleas from spouse? I used to not name call or get angry really, but recently I just explode and have been throwing back the words he use to say to me and doing the things he used to do to me. But...It doesn't feel good or right at all...I wish he knew/knows how I felt/feel when he does such things. He's hardly like that anymore, but certain things he says/does triggers me badly to the bad times. For example, he used to be OVERLY critical. He criticized everything I cooked, said I didn't clean right etc. So I gave up on trying since he ALWAYS had something to say. Later on, he began claiming that I'm lazy for not cooking and cleaning. I snapped back that if he didn't like the way I cooked or clean then he can do it himself.

The only time he REALLY reflected was when I was getting ready to leave him for real if things didn't change and wrote him a letter...Our relationship was probably at one of the WORST when his bio-mom visited and overstayed her visits.

I've gone to therapy for about 2 months, but can't really continue at this time for financial reason, hopefully a bit later and with a different therapist. While that T did give some good advise, it felt a bit like she was just saying "Do XYZ and you'll feel better" and saying "I don't think you're depressed, but here's an article on depression anyways"  ? I talked to my friend diagnosed with depression and she mentioned that she felt EXACTLY the same way I did when she was in her depressive state.

Some of the advice I try to use from T was using boundaries appropriately and communicating with "I" statements instead of "You" to explain to significant other how I feel. He uses the "We" statements instead, which, works I guess.

So here are my questions:
How's it like with an ACoN spouse/partner (with/without fleas)?
How do you work towards your relationship?(ex. boundaries, communication)
How do you feel about your relationship with spouse/partner currently?


Just...Wanting to get some hope I guess. Sometimes I feel irrationally angry about some things in the past, but I'm trying to get over it since my DH has been getting better at not doing those things. He consults me now, let's me know if he's going to be out long(because he used to randomly leave and come home at about 1 or 2 in the morning), and helps more with our son instead of leaving me on baby duty 7 days a week feeling overwhelmed and stressed WHILE working! I've also had to talk to him about finances, since I was the one keeping track and trying to set appointments for us etc. It's...exhausting...sometimes it feels like he's TOO dependent on me to get things he needs done. He still depends on his family for small stuff too like getting baby supplies, filing taxes(which I can help with! actually nevermind, tired of helping. Can teach though), etc.

It's just, new stuff keeps popping up that we have to overcome. Right now, it feels kinda like he might be enmeshed with his FOO and I'm not sure how to navigate from there.

[PeanutButter]

My unpdxH was not ever diagnosed anything so its possible he had a severe case of fleas.

He did similarly to me over housekeeping. He thought it was my 'job'. He complained and criticized my cooking and cleaning alot. Nothing was good enough.

My H now only has a couple of fleas if even any.

They both had narc M and abusive D.

I had abusive borderline M and enabling D.

One of the first videos that got me really started also helped me understand myself and that these were not who I was but traits from foo abuses.
https://youtu.be/Q7WrkuDyeIg

I feel addressing my fleas: inner/outer critic, reactivity, regulating my emotions, owning my triggers etc. has helped my marriage tremendously. I talk with H about  my issues; how i am working on them, when they come up, and apologise if he is hurt because of one and thank him for understanding.

It really seems this has brought him to some insight and awareness. So much more so than any of the pointing out his fleas (which I unfortunately and regrettably did) ever did.

But it definately matters where on the spectrum the behaviors are. With someone like my X that would not have likely led him to anything.