Making the wise choice.

[Bella]

You see I am quite smart and ambitious , it is something I enjoy, something that defined me for quite a long time.
I am 25 now and at 18 I had my life charted out, sensibly planned, I k eww hat was needed to be done, when and how.
But since I left home my life has gradually become worse and worse. I have been patient, I have sacrificed I started over and over and it just kept getting worse, my health dramatically declined both mental and physical and I squandered countless opportunities.
My analytical mind tells me two things, either I am an absolute idiot incapable of doing anything and my perception of myself is utterly wrong, or something else is terribly wrong, maybe both of those options.
You see I was raised conservatively in a conservative culture.
All decisions of young people are talked through with adults, mentors family members and you are gently or not so gently pushed to make the wise choice, of course any mentor or network you develop is developed through your family and in this case the head of my family, my mother. (I was quite reluctant to specifically write her down).
You see she is quite successful and has an amazing reputation, I looked up to her and since she has financial control over me it is only natural than any decision be made with the blessing of this success, experienced elder.

Than why is my life in shambles ?
Why is it that every sensible decision made, decisions that went through a cost/benefit analysis ended up with my life being ruined ?
Why did even simple things failed and I found myself having panic attacks over the most simple things ?
Why couldn't I cut academically ?
You see there are very little things that are more present in your life issues except you or your family.
I have a responsibility in the situation, but I have also noticed something else.

I ignore the choices and directions I instinctively want to follow because I want to make the wise choice and due to specific circumstances J cannot speak candidly to most people not even my mentors so there is on person I can really objectively speak to, my mother. (Oh the secrets and lies I have had to tell because of her)
Except while I pursued independence and success she had another agenda.
The wise choice was never truly that wise it was just "her" choice.
Every decision where  she was not Concerted was shutdown, any choice that lead to too much autonomy was criticised (including) trimming my hair.
The pattern of me unwillingly getting dragged to doctors continued except this time she made an account on a website, gave my number and would make expensive appointments no matter if I was busy or did not want to go.
While known and dangerous health conditions where never mentioned, I am certain I could have died. I started being unable to go out. You can queue in the usual "there is so much I don't complain about" and the "in my youth".
I once had the electricity cut right before an important one because I was moving and she was supposed to take care of it.
She would visit or start drama around my exams like clockwork. She would not send my allowance if she is mad at me. If If I do not call her several times a week she would get mad, at this point my heart leap every time my phone rings, so I stopped answering the phone at all. You can imagine the following issues.
There have been weeks when I couldn't buy food.
And so many other things.

The funny thing is when I was 18 I did not have any clarity but I had energy and strength.
Now I have clarity but I am absolutely exhausted and in a bad situation with what seems to be my arms tied in my back.
I am supposed to go back home to her because it's the wise decision and she wants a number 2 and I will get many perks
But I will not be able to leave for years and I can already see the rest of my soul shrivelling up and dying if I have to be in the same country as her. And I will have to leave under the same roof.
Objectively whatever clarity I got will simply melt under the sun.
And the worse part I will have no one to help me, I tried to have one of my mentors do so but she finally left because I refused to have my mother involved.

To get here I wasn't trough all of the stages of grief for what I thought I was, how I perceived the world and the idea that I had a family.

You see I may not be as smart or strong or resilient than I thought but I now know a few things.

The wise choice is bullshit if it is not your choice.
People always have their own agenda even if what they want is to be seen as helpful.
Following your instincts is paramount.
Money ain't shit if you can't control it.

I am learning to make decisions based on my own self and no one else's.

Thank you for coming to my ted talk and sorry for the long read.

I am proud that I have not cried writing this. And I apologise for any typos.

[PeanutButter]

You see I may not be as smart or strong or resilient than I thought but I now know a few things.

The wise choice is bullshit if it is not your choice.
People always have their own agenda even if what they want is to be seen as helpful.
Following your instincts is paramount.
Money ain't shit if you can't control it.

I am learning to make decisions based on my own self and no one else's.

These are very good lessons you have learned. You have been through alot for someone young. I hope you can become self sufficient in the very near future.

[tragedy or hope]

I am learning to make decisions based on my own self and no one else's.

Magnificent! I want to encourage you; not only are you allowed to make mistakes on your own, you are allowed to fail, to learn from it and move on.

Sounds to me that right now the pain and hurt of your realization are seeming unsurmountable. But you answered your own dilemma in what I quoted.

For freedom it sounds like you will need to sacrifice.  All the more valuable in learning about life on your own. You are young... perhaps your emotional intelligence is more valuable than any monetary help offered to you by less aware elders.

Maybe spending time with peers, or others that you admire for other virtues will give you inspiration to be more of your own person. Not everyone is happy with wealth and success.

Wealth and success are relative to how you define them. Perhaps you would find solace also on a spiritual path. Most important, it is your journey. Your life is a gift, TO YOU.  It sounds like you are tired of being robbed of what is yours. That is growth.

By the way, many of us here on this site have allowed others to steal parts of our life, with no real interest in who we really are. You are welcome here.

[Amadahy]

Take heart, Bella!  It took me nearly twice as long to learn lessons you've already learned.  You will find success, your way.  Strength and peace to you!!

[Bella]

Hello, thank you all for your answers and I also wanted to write an update.

So I have often found myself up in a negative circle over the years.
So I would realise on spontaneously decide that I wanted And needed to live for myself, a few months would pass and I would realise that I have not made at all or very little progress.
Turn out I have no idea how to make choices for my own well being and interests In the short term.
I am always looking at the big picture, 10, 15, 5 years ahead and I rightfully get overwhelmed.
I used to feel a quite strong drive toward my plans but that fizzled out under the circumstances, And I couldn't feel the same connection Aki used to have to my goals,  but a friend asked me what I wanted to do right and to focus on that.
It actually feels a bit uncomfortable to focus solely on myself and I assume it's going to be a journey.
And when I listed some of the stuffs I have pushed back learning because "There are more important things"  the feeling of warmth came back  I haven't felt that in years.


So I will try to keep that going.

Do you guys have tips.

[PeanutButter]

I admire that you have such insight so young.

If I could do over I would definately let go of needing to have the long term 'figured' out. I would concentrate on the present. Shorterm planning for just the basics.

If I could go back I would focus on ME because noone else can get me what I need out of life. It is MY job to take care of ME!