Controlling the family money

Started by Jsinjin, August 01, 2020, 09:39:45 AM

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Jsinjin

I have a fortunate position in life that my schooling and career earned plenty for us to buy a nice house, not have a mortgage, not worry about cars and have what we need.    But I never really know anything about any of it.   My uOCPDw monitors literally every cent.  She balances checking accounts by hand, insists that every statement come in via mail and doesn't trust the electronic rrcord keeping.    Her 'career' since about two weeks into our marriage has been a local elected official which doesn't pay.   In Fack I've learned that each every three years election costs us about 10k (usd).   But that's not what I'm curious about.   I literally never purchase anything that isn't scrutinized and accounted for.   She gets beeps when I use my debit card to buy the kids slushes during half price drink hour and will call instantly to make sure it's me at the local drive in burger place.   Reconciling this stuff monthly is a four to five  hour affair of her calling out every single transaction and then questioning whether or not it is correct or not.   This even includes toll tags on the various vehicles we have. 

But that's not the weird part to me.   I recently learned that she donates thousands of dollars to various charities in the city where she is on boards or booster groups.   I realized this after I wanted to make a 100 dollar donation to a boy scouts eagle scout project where our son is also a scout.   She was negative on it, it wasn't planned for and she was absolutely opposed to me deciding something like this.

There is also a strange issue of our retirement.   I lead data science and analytics inside of a mega financial firm and I make recommendations, forecasts around trading patterns.   She handles every but of the retirement.   To the point of not making crucial decisions when the markets have clearly spoken.   We have money in bond funds that are literally plummeting and she can't let me sell those and diversify because she "has history with those funds and doesn't trust something different". 

Here is what I suddenly realized; I earn way into the 1 percent, I don't make dangerous or stupid irrational financial decisions, and I don't really even have an allowance.   But on top of that question, I can't even make a rational financial decisions on something.   I typically drive vehicles to 300 thousand miles and I was in a position to need a late model used truck.   I decided on one and she steered me to something else.   That's fine, I don't care but when I looj at the thing; it's not what I wanted and I can actually afford what I wanted and what I wanted didn't cost any more than the version she had me buy?  Her thoughts were that this version has fewer buttons which break or I really don't want leather or blah blah.

It sounds seriously like me whining about something I should just man up and do.   And I'll take that jab.  But the reason I don't take this back is the level of anger and passive aggressive nature of her control.

It isn't for a nefarious purpose, it isn't because she is siphoning off some for her own needs, we have always had shared checkbook and I've always been the in with the career and it's more than enough.   It's that I can't do something simple like fix a lawn mower part without a deep discussion, showing her I have researched the part and that it's the lowest price, compared parts things and educated her on really what 7.99 part from home Depot is needed.

Anyone else deal with this kind of problem in their control spheres?
It is unwise to seek prominence in a field whose routine chores you do not enjoy.

-Wolfgang Pauli

notrightinthehead

If you wanted, you could change that. You could notify your employer that your account has changed, have your income transferred to an account that only you have control over and put a reasonable amount into the housekeeping account your wife has control over.
You could remove yourself to a hotel for a few days once the temper tantrum that would follow such measures would start. You could and should call the police if the kids and you feel physically threatened.
I know that is scary. Breathtakingly scary. Maybe you will do it one day. When you had enough.
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

Thru the Rain

You're describing A LOT of control on your W's part.

It seems like your direct question is how can you get out of explaining every single, tiny little purchase to your W. I have a couple suggestions:

- Talk to her in advance and tell her you won't be justifying expenses under x dollars. Say $100 or whatever your comfort level is. Then when you spend $7.99 at Home Depot and she asks, you can tell her "That's under $100 and so we're not going to discuss further"

- Don't talk in advance and just stop justifying $7.99 at Home Depot.

But honestly, the whole situation you describe is abusive - to you. Your W is abusing you. And I'm talking about the entire story you shared - not just the $7.99 at Home Depot. If you were talking to a friend who was being emotionally or physically abused, what advice would you give? Give yourself (and take) similar advice - be a good friend to yourself.

I don't know you or your wife, so I understand this is easy for me to say - and not very easy for you to do. You need to find a way to change this dynamic. As notrightinthehead points out, since this is YOUR paycheck YOU actually have 100% of the power if you want to take it.

Consider marriage counseling to help you work through these control issues with your W. Consider going alone if your W won't go. In the job you describe I would guess you have an EAP (Employee Assistance Program) as part of your benefits package. This can be used for any counseling needed - not just for work related topics. It's confidential, generally on the phone or via teleconferencing, and if you need help beyond a session or two they will refer you to a local counselor.

nanotech

I agree that this is financial abuse. I would really find that amount of interrogation each month, pretty soul destroying.
The kids will notice it too every time you try and buy something for them. It's kinda like spying too?
Is she generally possessive?
It's abuse because it's invalidation of you as a person. She's saying she doesn't trust you to make the right calls over any financial decision, whether large or small. Where there's not really a financial argument ( cars) she's using flimsy reasons, just so that she can still take the choice away from you. You have no access to choices in your life.

Therapy would be a good start. She probably doesn't see how controlling this is. A counsellor could point this out to her. Good luck.

1footouttadefog

Its abuse.  Time to fix it if its bothering you. 

My pdh is very similar in the balancing things to a penny by hand.  He likes to pay all bills as soon as possible  even ore rights checks and stamps envelopes days or weeks in advance.

When we had not been married too long we took a vacation where we went back to room to shower and change clothes due to heat before going to dinner. While I was on shower he took the miloney and coins from my purse to count it and look at reciepts and she how much we had and what we had spent money in etc.  Later he jump in and took took the wrong subway train leaving me stranded in a big city station at night penniless.

I started a new account wuen we got home and carried cash I held out ajd kept a supply of at home. 

Later I realized that he was so debt adverse and we did not have credit cards was a form of abuse also.  It became clear when we broke down in highway used cash to get car repaired and then were too tired to drive home after 16 hours if delay and did not have a CC to rent a hotel room. I remember sleeping in a snack bar booth at a truck stop for a couple hours, becaise it was too cold to sleep in the car and it was not safe to drive.
This  despite having  over 150k in savings and a paid for home and cars.  I got credit cards in my and our names and still have them despite his insistence we dont need more than one.  They are low interest rate cards and I wont let them go away they are mine and bring stress release when things dont go as planned.

Wjen the kids got th where they had savings from allowance and gifts etc he started snooping so he could count it and add it to his master list of money balances.

Financial abuse. 



KetoC

Being a person who received and practiced money control, I can sort of relate to your feelings and that of your wife. I agree with all previous comments: this is financial abuse and it's not healthy for your nor your family.
I agree with the idea of you and your wife agreeing with an "allowance" that doesn't need to be justified or agreed upon. Talk to your wife about the possibility of going through therapy around the topic. You could probably go there together, as this aspect of your joint life is actually affecting you both as a couple and will soon affect your children.
She might have unresolved issues around money, probably suffered money control in younger age, and she's now re-enacting what she suffered. You don't have to stand the abuse though, and you don't have to be disruptive about it.
Just talk to her to take more space for your own and if the discussion continues, go to therapy, see if she responds to it and let go a little control.
Good luck to you both

Free2Bme

Jsinjin,

This is not about money.  It's about control.  Like Alexander the Great's conquests, acquisition is the objective. 

I am convinced that PD's geared like this will stop at nothing.  They want it all, even the real estate of your mind (IME).  It doesn't matter anymore as to why she does this.  She does it because THIS is what she does.  I had to accept that my past experience of my PDh (20 years of marriage) was the best predictor of the future.  I began to see it as a cancer, self preservation told me that I had to care for and protect myself before he destroyed what was left of me. 

My lightbulb moment was when I saw that he was willing to indiscriminately use/damage even our children to accomplish his agenda of destroying me.  At that point, I knew there was nothing redeemable about my marriage.  I can't work with that. 

This is abuse.  What else remains that hasn't been burned to the ground?  IME, it's just a matter of time before PD's will try and take over everything within grasp.  This is heartbreaking, but true nevertheless. 

Realizing that my second biggest foe was my own distorted thinking about how it would one day be different/better was the catalyst I needed to take necessary steps.

You will get through this.  Peace is attainable.  You can heal and be whole. 

Great commentary and suggestions from others' here too     :thumbup:

Praying for your strength and clarity


Lauren17

Jsinjin.
I'm in a similar situation, although not as extreme. UBPDh and I both work. We make roughly the same salary. Early in our marriage he said that he would do the finances because the one who controls the money controls the marriage. (What's that phrase about all flags looking red when you're wearing rose colored glasses?)
H "balances the books" in his head. So the only way I can know where we're at is to ask him. He'll quickly rattle off numbers, switching topics mid sentence, so his explanation is impossible to follow.
A couple of years ago, he asked me to make all my purchases with one credit card. Then he downloaded that app you referred to, and I was regularly greeted with: "You spent $67.23 at Target?!! What did you buy?"
It's easy to say that this is financial abuse. It's hard to know what to do about. And it's terrifying to start.
I've been working through this with baby steps.
First I told H that his scolding me about every purchase made me feel like a teenager begging for the car keys. I reminded him it's my money too. He still has that app, but I don't hear about it anymore.
I've found statements for our bank account, mortgage, credit cards, etc and I've made copies of account numbers and am keeping them secure.
I've started setting aside cash, as 1Foot suggested.
I've stopped asking for permission or discussing my reasons behind reasonable purchases. Big things, like a new car, yes. $67.23 at Target? No.
I still have a long way to go, but these things have helped. I'm hesitant to take bigger steps until I've talked it through, but I'm currently struggling to find a therapist.
Good luck.
I've cried a thousand rivers. And now I'm swimming for the shore" (adapted from I'll be there for you)