Am I being gray rocked?

[Lauren17]

As I've started using tools more consistently, uBPdh has withdrawn more and more. I usually only speak to him when necessary.
I've noticed lately that when I do, these are the responses I get.
Rarely: a polite, reasonable response.
Sometimes: belittling and invalidation
Sometimes: Yes! Ma'am!
Often: ok
Usually: silence
A couple of things happened in the last few days that really brought this to light. I was trying to discuss Covid return to school options with h. After about a dozen monotone "ok" responses, he started whistling while I was talking.
Another time, I splattered hot food across myself and shouted "ouch!"  No response from H, who was about 10 feet away. Didn't even look up from his phone.
Is this discard? Mirroring my MC and GR? Some sort of retaliation?

[Starboard Song]

You are definitely not being gray rocked. You are being insulted.

Gray rock is being detached and boring: of little interest, but not rude. It is sometimes confused -- but shouldn't be -- with being rudely disengaged and sullen. Disengaged and sullen people draw attention to themselves, and generate ire: the opposite of gray rock intentions.

I am glad you are working to use management tactics to improve things. In the meantime, I fear he is striking back at what he sees as a bit of rejection perhaps.

Good luck navigating these terrible waters.

[SonofThunder]

As I've started using tools more consistently, uBPdh has withdrawn more and more. I usually only speak to him when necessary.
I've noticed lately that when I do, these are the responses I get.
Rarely: a polite, reasonable response.
Sometimes: belittling and invalidation
Sometimes: Yes! Ma'am!
Often: ok
Usually: silence
A couple of things happened in the last few days that really brought this to light. I was trying to discuss Covid return to school options with h. After about a dozen monotone "ok" responses, he started whistling while I was talking.
Another time, I splattered hot food across myself and shouted "ouch!"  No response from H, who was about 10 feet away. Didn't even look up from his phone.
Is this discard? Mirroring my MC and GR? Some sort of retaliation?

That is not gray rock, but punishment by silent treatment for your being more disengaged for your own self-protection.  Especially the whistling!  Silent treatment is NOT silent and is not NC. 

We non's do some similar short neutral response things such as medium-chill or gray rock, and is seen by the PD as uncaring.  But we non's know that full responses are manipulated into circular conversations and know many statements, actions and reactions by PD's are in fact baiting.  Therefore a very fine line in some cases between the non and the PD, but MOTIVE is critical to understand. 

PD's bait and punish.  Non's self-protect. 

SoT

[Bowsy26]

Perhaps what the PD sees as payback.  IMHO, when they experience us pulling away, they can alternate between hoover/love bombing and ignoring us or being rude.  I'm experiencing some of that currently.  He may think his behavior will draw you back in eventually. 

Keep practicing MC and GR as you need to. 

[Starboard Song]

Another thing to consider, here. What are your goals?

If you intend to make this work (a tough decision in its own right) you'll need to find a way to live where you speak to him more than only-when-necessary. No spouse is happy being spoken to only when necessary: that's rejection, not MC and definitely not GR.

We all know that a PD spouse is even less equipped for such a tough love message. So just take a moment to really consider where you see yourself in 5 to 10 years, and consider whether any adjustments right now are in order. Mutual low-key rejection will reward or iand protect neither of you.

[GettingOOTF]

It sounds like retaliation to me. I second what Starboard Son says.

My personal view is that GR should be used in limited situations. I use it at work when I can tell someone is unreasonably upset about something. It’s not a way for me to interact with people, especially those close to me, on a permanent basis. For me it’s a tool to diffuse a situation in the moment.

Your husband is likely feeling rejected by the limited interactions which is understandable. I was married to someone diagnosed with BPD, I’m sure you are more than justified in your wanting to limit interactions with him. It’s how I handed being married to him.

For me I reached a point where I no longer wanted to be in a relationship where I had to watch every word and avoid interacting in a way that saw my needs met. I chose to leave.

A hard realization for me was that not every behavior of my exes was a PD behavior. Some of them were very valid reactions to things I and said. His methods my have been clumsy and reactive, but they were valid.

If you decide to stay you may find implementing boundaries more effective. It will allow for greater interaction but also set boundaries around what interactions you will and won’t tolerate.

[tragedy or hope]

IMO,
This is typical behavior. My unpdh is exactly like that. Anything I am entusiastic about is met with _________. Nothing. No comments, no encouragements, nothing. Often the whistling will start when it is entirely inappropriate. It is so passive agressive it is beyond rude. It is spiteful. Any word addressing the behavior will start a forest fire. In the meantime this behavior is telling me I am annoying and he would rather whistle.

I had to pick up grandkids from the airport with him this week. I observed NO interest in anything but what would please him. Down to where I offered to take the kids for ice cream. I just reiterated where we would stop since i was driving
The key is to no longer care about what they feel or if they are mad. Do as you please. We are damned if we do and damned if we don't. Getting used it  means I am free to ignore his unacceptable pouting and disinterest.

I will never get him to change, but I will continue to do more for me and less for him. It is worth that kind of change.

Life is a little more work but I feel much freer. I notice EVERY conversation, even with the kids is centered on him. It is all he can do. If I were by myself I would do the same as with him. At times his love bombing is nice. I know what it is so I take advantage and still find ways to keep from being manipulated most often.

Yesterday he got his feed from my grandchildren. Thankfully they had not seen him in awhile so they were into it. ONE day at a time.

It is their personality or lack of that makes them so hard to live with. Once I realized he didn't really have one... I expected less.

Hope you find a reasonable solution for yourself. It is our choice, no one else's. Make sure you do what you think is right. I have learned a lot here from others.
Remember, he can't he can't he can't he can't. Not because he isn't capable but because that would make someone else number ONE. He is the only ONE in his life.

[Lauren17]

Thank you to everyone who replied. I've been thinking through your responses and carefully watching interactions over the last month.
I honestly believe that H is either avoidant personality or a covert narc. He's very withdrawn and passive aggression is his go to response. Based on this, I  have to disagree with SS's statement that no spouse is happy being spoken to only when necessary. This may be the case most, but not with these personality types.  He has demonstrated over and over that being left alone is what he wants.
I am only staying until youngest DD is launched. So still married in 5 years, divorced in 10. I'm struggling tho, how do you set a boundary against being ignored?

[1footouttadefog]

In my estimation, medium chill is what you use to avoid some of the negativity when working on getting along or to buy time to leave or disengage. 

Grey Rock is a survival skill to avoid danger when you no longer want the relationship to exist.

[Lauren17]

Thank you for the summary, 1Foot.
I don't think I gray rock with H.
I am disassociating. And I'm trying not to share anything that can be used as an emotional weapon.
Since I posted this, I'm trying to adjust to his moods. When he's withdrawn and sullen, I don't engage. When he wants to chat about his day, I listen. But I only share superficial things. In all times, I'm trying to focusing on living my own life.

[clara]

I think you're onto something when you say he seems to prefer being left alone at times.  My uNPDexh would do that periodically.  He simply didn't want to engage because his time was HIS time, and not something anyone else was invited to encroach upon.  He would ignore me, pretend I wasn't around, not respond and get angry if I pushed for a response, so I would just leave him alone during those times.  It hurt my feelings but in retrospect,  it really wasn't about me.  It was almost as if I didn't exist and it was different from those times when acting like I didn't exist was actually an attempt at control.  When it was about me, I'd know it.  He could be covert but he wasn't that subtle.