My Brother's Funeral

[anallusiontothesky]

My UPD mother tried to prevent me from attending my brother's funeral on multiple occasions. Initially, she simply refused to provide the relevant details for us to make travel arrangements in a timely fashion. When my husband and I decided it would be safer for our loved ones if we attended remotely with the help of my brother's best friend, she followed up by insinuating that she would not be inviting him. There was no clear or provided reason for this, my family had already had frequent in-person contact with him, thus belying any virus concerns.

She relented when I advised that the alternative was me never contacting her again. Later, she decided to invite a number of my brother's friends to the service and then to her house for a gathering in his memory, during part of which she initiated a video chat with me to say hello and go on about all the comfort they were bringing her after all she'd gone through. I held my tongue. I'm not so callous as to overlook that she had just buried her child. I hope it did bring her some comfort, honestly.

I knew it would be unlikely that she'd give me any kind of space after everything, even just to grieve. She'd already tried to use the video chat as a means of bypassing firmly established boundaries. (She informed me, over a discussion involving other family members, that I was to contact her however often. We are not NC, but I have made it clear I will temporarily suspend contact when she launches into a period of particularly vicious behavior.) She is now contacting me daily, occasionally with cryptic indications that there is something going on with my father, or my brother's memorial, etc. The more she does this, the less I want to speak with her at all.  Again, she's lost a child, which is unimaginable, but she seems to have forgotten that I have lost a brother.

The loss of her own brother affected her deeply and was a fixture of our upbringing, but in truth I knew better than to expect any kind of empathy. She is notoriously possessive of grief and has long seemed to view tragedy as both a competition and a justification for her most egregious behavior and demands. The most furious I've ever seen her with my father was when he lost his own mother and dared to receive sympathy of which she somehow felt more deserving. That she felt more deserving is not an inference, she said as much in front of both of us.

I do not want to be cruel. I recognize that she is navigating both a terrible loss and mental illness that extends beyond a PD. However, the aspects I find the most difficult to contend with are the very aspects I have watched her turn on and off for years when it suits her to do so and that in particular makes it very hard not to want to cut off contact for good.

I'm at a loss and to be honest, I feel cruel for even thinking such things. All the same, I can't bring myself to answer the phone when she calls or texts.

[hhaw]

When I'm struggling in similar ways, I often find I'm resisting acceptance, on some level.

You seem to have accepted your mother isn't capable of extending sympathy. 

You're aware she's uncomfortable with receiving comfort.... she feels entitled to all and everything, and says so out loud.

What, in all this, do you feel you haven't accepted about it?  Does she extend compassion occasionally?  Does she sometimes give you hope she'll change and BE her better self?

I don't know, but I'm very sorry for your loss.

I imagine your mother feels as though she's lost something important, and can't get it back, every moment of her life... even though it's her trapped in her head, having never received enough when she was young.   

Seeking behaviors bleeding all over her husband and children, and no mommy present to comfort you.

I invite you to limit contact, without guilt.  To invite contact only when you feel good about it. 

Nothing you do will appease or calm your mother.  You might as well accept that, know it's not personal and please yourself.

Again, my condolences over the loss of your brother. 




t 

[Cassandra T]

It seems like funerals and deaths bring out weird behavior in personality disordered people, at least from my own experience. My covert narc mother was always calling and telling me that someone I don't know's sister died and when the funeral was going to be. I didn't know why she couldn't understand why I wouldn't want to go to her customer's sister's funeral. Then when one of our distant relatives died, like her aunt's son who she may have seen 2 or 3 times in his life, she would exclaim to me "Oh, I've been SO upset today." I couldn't figure out why she wanted people to know how upset she had been, when it was kind of ridiculous for her to be that upset. Then right after my dad died, she would say things like "Tomorrow's Father's Day. It's going to be a sad day......well.......for ME, anyway." It was like she wanted me to start defending myself, to prove to her that I had a level of grief that was acceptable to her, like she was supposed to be the judge of that. I just tried to ignore her.
Then she proceeded to tell me that her sisters reminded her "You know, Cassandra and Jack (her kids) are grieving too." I didn't know why she would tell me that because it doesn't reflect well on her. The only reason I can think of is, she wanted to see my reaction, in order to gauge whether I really was grieving, as if she has any say in the matter. Now I'm thinking it may have been projection. She may have been implying that I wasn't grieving because she wasn't.
It makes me wonder, why did my aunts feel the need to remind her of that? All I can think of is, she was complaining about my and Jack's "behavior" (probably a false accusation) and they were reminding her that if we acted in a way that wasn't pleasing to her it must have been the grief causing it.

[anallusiontothesky]

hhaw - Thank you, it helps to be reminded I'm allowed to limit contact and not feel bad.

Cassandra - I can imagine my mother saying many of the same things. I suppose you're right, things like this have an odd effect on most people so navigating it through a PD must be something else entirely.

I think what is getting to me is really...two things... first that she tried to block me from even attending my brother's funeral remotely. It was such a jarring, unnecessary cruelty, even for her. And yet, I suppose it wasn't that far out of her scope (I was less surprised than I should have been), but her general pattern is more toward waifishness and manipulation. Even her blatantly nasty behavior is justified somehow via her suffering---e.g. she was just so worried that...

The way she attempted to tell me she wasn't planning to invite my brother's best friend was very much akin to a mischievous child who knows she's about to reveal she's done a bad thing and just wants to see the reaction. And maybe part of it is denial then, because I have always assumed that through the haze of all this my mother does love us (beyond as mere objects) and that she doesn't deliberately hurt us just for the sake of doing so. This felt very much like that, however.

The second is that she is now adding all things related to my brother's memorial as a reason why I must contact her when she demands it. This was much more expected, but even so I don't think I could anticipate how awful it would feel. I still can't quite believe he's gone and she seems to be taking advantage of the situation and manipulating every possible avenue through which I could grieve. She withholds or threatens to withhold information, she has controlled every aspect of all things related to his funeral services and memorial.

And in the end, if that brings her comfort so be it. It won't bring my brother back so she's not withholding him and this kind of loss is...unlike anything. My brother and I maintained a relationship even when she and I were not talking. That never changed, even when he lived in her house.  Whereas my father seemed much more inclined to feel like he had to at least indirectly take a side and not talk to me as much (we grew up with his mentality of 'just give her what she wants or she might hurt herself") my brother didn't. He was a kind person and gave everyone (perhaps other than himself) as much room as they felt they needed to be as they were. I wish he'd been more selfish sometimes.

In all honesty, I wish that when I'd moved away years ago I'd dragged him with me.  At the time I was so deeply in the miasma of that "fog" that I honestly questioned how/why it was all effecting me. I couldn't see how it was impacting him--no matter how obvious it should have been. Later when I got my bearings, I tried to encourage him to get some distance from her and to feel what he was feeling. I told him I'd love for him to visit, but tried not to pressure/control him the way I always felt we were controlled. I wonder if in my care to not be "too pushy" I seemed insincere or uncertain.

So, those of you who have siblings who "escaped first" and left you feeling abandoned...if it brings any comfort...know that at least in some cases we didn't know--in spite all of it--or we didn't trust ourselves enough, but it was not that we didn't care.

[IskierkaDresden]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your brother sounds like a loving, special person.

Do you think part of why you're having trouble is the distance between the behavior you would expect from your mother and what you actually get? I wonder if the first person who responded to you is correct? Is it acceptance you are struggling with?

Ideally, your mother should be comforting you, too. You two could comfort each other and share the love you both have for your brother. I don't think you're going to get that, though. Is there anyone else in your life that knew your brother, too? If so, could you have a small celebration of life or memorial service for your brother with that person? Would that help you?

As for feeling guilty, I certainly understand that. I imagine you are having all sorts of feelings. You're grieving, too. Please be as gentle and kind to yourself as you would to your best friend if they were going through this. You deserve to be treated well.