how many times did you leave? when does it get better?

[FreeSophia]

I am feeling really run down right now. It has been a month since I insisted on separation. I thought that it would be hard at first but that I would finally feel free and have peace. but instead all I do is feel like a nervous, exhausted wreck. I have trouble sleeping. I chain smoke now. I used to only smoke two cigarettes a day. I don't go running. I can barely do yoga. I lost ten pounds. I feel so old and tired and run down. what is even the point in separating if it doesn't make me feel any better? and with all the time passing, what he did doesn't seem so terrible and unbearable anymore. I just feel lost and strange all the time. my mornings used to be so nice and peaceful (except for the exhausted miserable nights after his rampages). but the other mornings were great. now no morning is good. I thought I would feel so free and that I would finally get to really live outside of his paranoia and accusations. but I haven't really done anything at all. I just go to work and come home and then cry. and the weekends I feel so stressed out. I just start pacing and pacing and chain smoking and the simplest tasks feel overwhelming. I feel myself slipping back to him and I feel so so embarrassed by it. I thought this would be a time of healing and growth but instead I'm just depressed and full of anxiety. Does it get better? what if I just let him come home? I am at a loss.

[notrightinthehead]

So sorry, you feel so bad.  After leaving I felt bad for 2! years. You might not have control over your feelings, but you do have control over what you do. You seem to be unhappy about not running. And smoking.
What I used to do, I forced myself to do things, even if I did not feel like it. I made a plan, and then did it. I did not feel like it. I did it anyway. I also got emotional support. In my case I joined a CoDA group. They have online meetings now.  I behved as normally as possible. And I limited the time I allowed myself to think about him. I journaled a lot. Wrote down my pain, my anger, my thoughts.
Other than missing him, do you know what you want? What gives you joy?

[GettingOOTF]

It also took me about two years to feel “good” but when I look back I see that every day was better than the last.

Leaving any relationship is a loss and it takes time to grieve and find your new normal. It takes the time it takes. There’s nothing you can do to speed it up and you have to go through this to get to the other side. How long it takes depends on a lot of factors that are personal to each person.

I left multiple times and each time I went back the abuse was worse and leaving was harder. I consider myself lucky that I left with my life at what turned out to be the final time I left. 

I also forced myself to do things I didn’t want to.  I started working out, learning to  cook, cleaning etc. I read a lot and worked on my Codependency and self worth.  It’s a long, slow and painful journey but to me it’s a million times better than the alternative.

I think we all expect to feel something kind of elation when we leave. Even now I don’t. I feel sad and frustrated for all the years I lost and the woman I was who tolerated such a terrible relationship.

What I found for me and what I read is common among abuse survivors is that when you leave your mind finally feels “safe” so that’s when you start processing all the emotions you couldn’t in the relationship.

It’s not easy but going back only starts the cycle again.

Hang in there. It does get better.

[PeanutButter]

Hi I can relate so much to what you are feeling. The first time I left I talked myself into going back because of feeling exactly like you do.

IME and IMO going back is not going to give you relief either. My own experience was I got worse off when I went back that last time for a couple of years before I left for good.

What I learned and now know is that the abusive relationship with unpdxH made me miserable yes, but I had numerous emotional/psycological issues before I ever got into that relationship, that was a big part of why I settled for him and misconstrued there was love there.

Since I had escaped my ubpdM's house by moving in with unpdxH at 18 I had been living with abusive pds for a total of uninterrupted 27 years.

I moved away and I also went no contact with my FOO.

I had nightmares every night! EVERY SINGLE NIGHT! I would wake myself up crying out many times. I would cry myself back to sleep. The days were good except for the intrusive memories. Many things I was remembering for the first time.

I was unpacking 27 years of 'sh@#'. And it was DEEP!

I slowly got depressed and began feeding my pain body ( "the emotional pain body has two modes of being: dormant and active" Eckhart Tolle) with a self hate narrative that I didnt deserve to live. 
http://www.detoxifynow.com/et_pain_body.html  https://www.shortform.com/blog/eckhart-tolle-pain-body/

The intensity of the pain dwindled as more and more time went on. I created a new life. I remarried. Thanks to my unconditionally loving H and his example I started to really accept and love myself.

Then a wonderful counselor introduced me to my inner narrative which I had ZERO awareness of. That was life changing. I was empowered. My H had been telling me happiness was a choice but I didnt understand untill I heard what I was saying to myself.

Healing can only come from within you. The answers ime is to 'choose' to trudge through it. Choose to self love. Choose to self accept. And then you really can choose happiness in spite of it all.

[GettingOOTF]

What I learned and now know is that the abusive relationship with unpdxH made me miserable yes, but I had numerous emotional/psycological issues before I ever got into that relationship, that was a big part of why I settled for him and misconstrued there was love there.

I don't think I've seen this better stated that here.  This was 100% my experience. My life has only gotten better since I started working on why I settled for so little and not just in my marriage.

[clara]

   I think it gets better when you shift the focus from "your relationship" to "you" because relationships don't occur in a vacuum, and a chosen relationship is just that--chosen. 

I thought of going back almost immediately after leaving my uNPDexh, and I'm not entirely sure what stopped me but it was probably the thought of having to go through another move, another explanation for him, a lot of "things" I would have to do in order to go back and no matter what, there would be issues and problems and I just didn't have the energy for it.  And at that point I think I realized that, for once, I was paying attention to myself and what I wanted rather than to him and what he wanted.  When I actually thought about what going  back would entail, I didn't want to do it.  I just wanted a break.

I didn't want his problems on top of my own.  I had enough to deal with, with my own self.  He was just moldy icing on that cake, and when I was with him, I was actually fighting two battles at the same time.  I was dealing with my own issues from my FOO (which I'd never really dealt with since I was still living at home when I married him) and then was handed his issues after we married.  I couldn't work on both myself and him, and since he was NPD, there was no real "fixing" him so that would always be a losing battle.  I was unhappy with him, and I was unhappy alone, but I decided I'd rather be alone and unhappy because on that front, at least I had a chance.  With him, there was zero chance.  Nothing was ever going to change.

So, it does get better with time.  It really does.  Growth can hurt as well as heal, and often you just have to put up with the hurt part to get to the heal part.  I know there are people out there who will tell you about how fantastic their lives became after they made major changes, how suddenly everything all got better and they saw their dreams realized etc.  But, that's not necessarily reality.  Some of us just make do, and then make do again, waiting for the good stuff to happen and wondering if it ever will.  Interestingly, when it does, you  may not even realize it at first.  But all of a sudden, something you felt yesterday you're no longer feeling today.  Or some memory that kept nagging you is no longer coming around so often.  It may not be dramatic, it may not be wonderful or even that much of anything, but it's there nonetheless.  It's a recovery process and one size doesn't fit all.  We all find our own way but you won't find it if you stop looking.  Just hang in there and trust yourself.  Trust that you made the right decision. 

[Kat54]

Almost all of these replies I can so relate to. I too had issues before I even got into the relationship and married, which was probably out of desperation for someone to love me. We do chose and I have come to realize everything in my life is a choice, and it has to become about what will make you happy with yourself. Why would I chose to be with a man who was mean and disrespectful to me, our kids. Who yelled at me about the dinner being cold. Why would I make myself miserable with this person who wanted to drag me down?
Because I didn't love myself enough and thought more of myself, but very slowly I did learn I deserved more, and deserved to have a happy life and accept with the many flaws in myself, chose to want more for yourself. Stay with it. Leaving is so so hard, the road is long, the self reflection is a process so give your self that time and you will get there.
For myself, no regrets as I'm the captain of my ship, and I dug myself out from being sad and crying all the time wondering why didn't he want me back; it took almost 3 years to change my thoughts about "Us" to "Me" and now life is much better and happier.