How can I help my Dad who is being abused by my Mom daily?

[Consumed]

In the past few years, I have come to realise that my Mom displays and exhibits a vast number of narc traits. I have always known growing up something wasn't quite right, and it has really taken it's toll on me. I am in the process of recovering and healing and can see things far more clearly now.

My Father and Mother have both recently retired. Their relationship has always been dysfunctional (primarily due to my Moms unreasonable behaviour in my opinion), and my Dad has opened up to me that she is being unkind and aggressive to him on a daily basis. That she flies into rages out of nowhere, and baits him into reacting. There have also been instances of gaslighting, and I know all of this to be true as I have experienced it all myself. Now that all us children have flown the nest, my Dad is the sole target. He said it is taking his toll on him emotionally and chipping away at him. This absolutely devastates me. I don't envision him ever filing for divorce, so I just tried to validate his feelings as he said he was questioning if he is the problem. I advised him to leave the room when she flies into rage, to let her words go in one ear and out of the other, and to spend as little time with her as possible and get out the house as and when he can.

I know this is not enough though, and that she is making his life miserable and affecting him mentally. Therapy isn't an option for him, and it kills me inside to think that everyday he is sat at home being subjected to her abuse. I visit him weekly and try to arrange for us to do things, but I just feel so helpless and feel it is not enough. And I feel she is sending him into an early grave. Does anyone have any advice or tips or suggestions regarding this please?

[notrightinthehead]

I can imagine that it breaks your heart to see a loved one being treated badly. That you want to do something to help. However, please consider this: your father is an adult. I presume he is capable to get up and take care of himself. If he stays in this relationship it is by choice. You validate his feelings already, and you could give him your view of the situation but you might find that he will tell your mother that Consumed also sees it that way and you might get into trouble with your mother. Other than that it might be best if you model healthy behaviour and hope that your father takes the hint.

[FromTheSwamp]

Also keep in mind that your father coming to you with his marital woes with your mother is inappropriate.