Need help understanding my Wife's CPTSD

[Hidden_Shadows]

Hello everyone,

I'm new to this forum, and I've been encouraged by what I've seen so far. This appears to be a really decent and caring community, and I look forward to diving in a bit more and hopefully contributing back in my own positive way.

Since I do not regularly open up about my personal feelings with anyone aside from my own wife, talking to friends, family, therapists or even online forums like this is quite difficult for me to do. But, I've made it this far so I guess that has to count for something...

Ok, here it goes. So recently my wife was diagnosed with CPTSD, and while I've dealt with my own form of depression over the years, nothing in my experience comes anywhere close to this. I've got no idea where to even begin with understanding CPTSD or how to be an good spouse for someone who has it. For context, let me explain about my wife.

Growing up she had an absolutely horrific homelife where she lived in terror of her alcoholic parents. They did everything from physically beating her and starving her as a child to verbally abusing her as a teenager. As someone who did not grow up in an abusive home, it's been difficult to even comprehend that level of horrific abuse, and I have tried my best over the years to be a kind and stable rock for her. But years of not understanding one another led to a very rocky period in our marriage which nearly ended in seperation.

Over the last year we've been able to come a little closer back together through some marriage counseling and learning to be patient with each other. When my wife was recently diagnosed with CPTSD, a lot of things began to click into place and make sense. While she's been able to better explain the feelings she has and the pain she suffers in, she still feels that she can't trust me or feel safe at home. We've been drifting further and further apart again lately to not even being able to sleep in the same room together. I desperately want to be able to reconnect with her emotionally, but she has made it clear that my lack of understanding what she is going through makes it difficult for her to look to me for any sort of help. For my own part I bear the fault of not looking into this as much as I should have until now, but I want to make that right.

I don't know what to do or how to even begin digging into this, and the global pandemic has really shuttered many of the sources we might normally reach out to, so this has been a particularly trying time for her. Has anyone else been in a similar situation who can help shed some light for me? I don't personally know anybody who's had CPTSD before, any advice or anecdotes would be appreciated. Thanks!

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! You might benefit from reading Pete Walker's articles on his website and his books. That will give you quite some understanding of what you are dealing with. And then I strongly recommend reading 'Stop caretaking the borderline/narcissist' by Fijelstad.  I found it very helpful to finally understand that it is not my job, nor my ability to make things well for my partner.
Have you checked out the toolbox tab? You might find some strategies there that are suitable for your situation.  See you around on the boards.

[Spring Butterfly]

Adding my welcome and what a blessing your wife has in you wanting to understand. Hold her hand and listen carefully if she's willing to share. You are correct, it's incomprehensible on many levels. "Hold space" for her - look up what that means and see if you think it would be what she needs. This isn't something you can fix but you can be there for her as she travels her journey.

This description of cPTSD from our sister site might help https://www.outofthestorm.website/cptsd-description/

There is no normal to return to in cPTSD because normal never existed especially for someone raised in an abusive environment. The person needs to create their normal from nothing. Someone with PTSD has a normal and the healing is guided to return to that normal. Creating a normal from nothing isn't easy and some therapists don't understand this about cPTSD and treat it as PTSD.

You are likely familiar with her being triggered - emotions that are out of sync with what is happening. Her feelings and emotions are very really. They are displaced in time and location. She may not realize what has happened, that she has been triggered.

Much will also depend on if she's still on contact with the people who are abusive. Interactions generally don't change and remain abusive unless the abusers have sought their own healing.

This is what it feels like to grow up and live in a toxic environment: https://outofthefog.website/what-it-feels-like

Please know this community is here for you and for her as well. Reach out here as often as needed and read the Dealing with Parents board for insights into others journey and may shed light. The folks on that board can also help answer your questions. Wishing you both peace and healing.

[UglyLove666]

Welcome, and thanks for having the courage to reach out. You're definitely among friends here.

I am happy to read about a husband who is willing to try to understand his wife's C-PTSD. I will share with you that I was diagnosed with C-PTSD 2.5 years ago, and it really is often incorrectly treated as PTSD, as another member pointed out. Depending upon the over-use of the 4Fs (fight, flight, freeze, fawn) it can also be incorrectly misdiagnosed as panic disorder or borderline or even bipolar.

Pete Walker's book "C-PTSD From Surviving to Thriving" has been the absolutely best resource I've ever come across (this is just my opinion), and I've read dozens of books and tried therapy for many years. Nothing has even come close to the insights by Pete Walker, MA (IMO) because he is a therapist who actually understands C-PTSD because he is in recovery from it and has made great strides himself. His website has free resources if you are interested in starting there- that's what I did.

It's very difficult to move forward in recovery from CPTSD if the survivor is in contact with their abuser(s). This is pointed out very often by Pete, and I have found it to be very helpful for me to avoid unsafe people and places. Emotional triggers are a big issue with CPTSD, and one of the cornerstones of CPTSD is that flashbacks often do not have a visual component in one's memory so it's a really tricky road to navigate. Pete has amazing resources and explains and deconstructs so much about psychoeducation in lay terms.

It is true that you cannot fix your wife but if you can hold space for her and help her to feel safe, that will be huge. It has been for me, and I have found that once I went No Contact (NC) with people who are triggering me I started to feel better than I have ever felt in my life. There are lots of excellent resources on this site. It's very calm, has lots of caring people, and the member guidelines are respectable.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hello and welcome,

i will chime in my agreement that the book by Pete Walker is excellent.

Years of not feeling safe takes its toll and it is definitely possible to recover from that.

Glad you are here.

Trees

[Hidden_Shadows]

Thank you all for your kind words, it's been very reassuring to read through all of the thoughtful responses that have been posted. I'm looking into those resources from each of you, already I've found them to be very informative.

We've done our best to limit contact with her family, who were and still are the primary instigators of her trauma. My wife has definitely felt better overall, and has been able to process her emotions more fully without her family's negative presence. Here's hoping that this positive trend continues...

Thanks everyone!!!

[UglyLove666]

Happy to learn that your wife is putting space between herself and the PDs (Personality Dis-ordereds). That is really huge.

Please encourage your wife, above all, to be gentle with herself. This is something that she is likely not at all familiar with (having self-compassion), as an adult survivor of PD caregivers. Also, often times things feel worse before they feel better due to grieving and purging toxic, repressed emotions. Emotional Flashbacks can be overwhelming (which is something that you've both likely witnessed but not been able to clearly identify, IME).

Grieving is something that surprised me the most: the need to grieve the opportunity to have had a childhood that did not include abuse, neglect, chaos...  The pain of abandonment in terms of the most fundamental, basic rights and feelings... those realizations hurt, but the good news is that there's a way to move forward and shed those layers.

Looking forward to seeing you guys on the boards. Be well!

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

I've just posted this on the Other Media Resources section of the forum. I thought that it might be helpful for yourself and your wife.

CPTSD Foundation Free Summit

"We Are Healing Trauma 2020"
Free Virtual Summit for Survivors

September 2nd, 2020

Speakers include Doctor Ramani. She has a YouTube channel where she talks about narcissism.

Register for free here

https://cptsdfoundation.org/wearehealingtrauma/