Exhausted after 13 years trying to heal

[KetoC]

Hello all,
I find this group after 2 days of typing in the google search bar any possible mean behavior by mothers to daughters. This group comes as a glass of water in the desert.
Not only I find many of your experience to overlap with mine, it's also consoling and warming to find there's a community discussing around it, so thanks to all people who made this possible. 
I'm from a deaf family, thought some PD behaviors from my parents were normal until I started college, far from home. There I confronted my experience with that of my friends, and... where they different!! I went to college on a scholarship, integrated by  my family's support for 7 years. While preparing my thesis, my mother came up to me saying I needed to return to my family's town or look for a job as they wouldn't support me anymore. It was such a shock I flew to find myself a job and be independent. My thesis obviously suffered from the event and I graduated in 10 years instead of 7 (I was already a little late but nothing shocking at the time).
When I married 5 years ago I struggled to get support from my family: my sister decided to move oversea just 8 months before my wedding, returned 4 months before putting it on my wedding, and focused on "surprising me" by fixing my parents house when all I wanted and needed was a little economic and logistic support for the wedding. (Note: my sister struggles with settling in her adult life, she has changed 5 colleges without even attempting to pass 1 exam, my mother always supporting her and paying for her fees. After she got her most recent vocational training, she moved oversea 5 times before settling in for more than 2 years now.) My mother and sister came to my dress trial only once and seemed not interested in the topic. Tension resulted in my wedding witness f***ing me off in rage right after the ceremony, accusing me of not being appreciative of her efforts. When I tried to talk about it later in time, my mother told me to 'forget about it' and my sister wouldn't even recall the event, with me obviously feeling mistreated and accused of 'not being appreciative' of all of the efforts that were put in fixing the house. I tried to explain that I would have liked to have them by my side, helping me in building the wedding of my dream, but nothing seems to work.
My father used to be very sweet to me until I started school (and my sister came into the family). After that, all of his focus were on my results, hitting me violently if I wasn't successfull. I became stronger in time and when I was strong enough to fight back, he stopped hitting me.
Last year he became very ill and had to be brought to the emergency room and then hospitalized twice in 2 months. When he was accepted, he was very dehidrated, and I knew nothing of it until he passed out in his bedroom and peed his pants. Because of their deafness, I felt the urge to help, mediate, call the best doctors and people who were around and in town, training them on how to interact with my parents, all while working hard on work deadlines and a life 6 hours drive away from them.
Fortunately my father recovered well but right after that I had a very strong discussion with my sister which ended in no-contact by her part. I tried once to resume our contact but in turn she just shut me off. I mentally worked on it for the whole year, she also came back for Christmas without even telling me she'd be around, and there's when I finally understood there were no way in which she'd ever respect our relationship as being equally balanced in responsibilities towards ourselves and our parents. She tried her move during lockdown, pretending nothing ever happened and writing an email to me to get back in touch. I was just not in the mood at the time (and I'm still not in the mood) so I greyrocked her. She got it, and flew in less than a week.
The first discussion was about money, and still is. My mother ofter complains about lacking money with me, but then I discover she's paying for my sister's bills and paying her regular extra money. My sister works, so I really don't understand the sense of all this complaining with me and paying her. I tried addressing the matter once, and what I got from my mom was "I do it to keep her there". I'm not sure what to think about this answer, I'm just very confused about the whole thing.
I'm working on this whole matter since my mom came in the middle of my thesis to tell me to return home. I'm exhausted by all the mind working and the mischievious behavior I have to take up with but I can't stop thinking about it. I ofter wake up in the middle of the night, thinking about how to answer possible accusations and seeing aggravating scenes over and over again, out of the blue.
I'm happy in my marriage, I have a satisfying job, 2 beautiful kittens, no children by choice, and I run a happy life of my own but I feel my experience with my family of origin is hunting me in my personal and professional life, impeding me to live a truly free life. Is there a light out of the tunnel? is there really a moment in which you stop claiming your life back as it becomes naturally yours?
I'm exhausted, and need a place to vent or rest my words. I hope this can be that place. Thank you for reading this far, thank you for setting this up.

[Starboard Song]

I think you've found a good place. Welcome to Out of the FOG.

Never think of your posts as mere venting: you come to share and interact, and receive thoughts from others. You need never apologize, we've all been "there" and support you. And you needn't worry that yet again people won't get it. We get it.

Check out the Toolbox if you haven't already. That taught me the most important thing I have learned: we are not alone.

I am so glad you found us.

[KetoC]

Thank you, my eyes full of tears of joy 
I'm going through the toolbox.. and still looking around.

[PeanutButter]

Hi and welcome! What a strong, independent, generous person you are.
It sounds like you have landed at the right place just in the nick of time to start unpacking your FOO baggage.
The 100 traits https://outofthefog.website/overview is where I started.
Following that what not to do https://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do.
These are invaluable imo!
Once I got those basics my life was changed forever by learning about self differentiation Jerry Wise Relationship Systems https://youtu.be/uNWOfXPRNEs

Best of luck and see ya round the forum!

[KetoC]

Thank you PeanutButter... the fog is already less dense.