Had a talk with my uOCPDw that made me feel sorry for her

[Jsinjin]

I actually felt very sad for her after this discussion.   

She gets angry at our kids.   Especially if they don't do their chores.   She doesn't believe in any consequences unless they expressly fit the chore.   So not doing the cat boxes, the only possible response is to get rid of the family cat.   Which is merely a threat and not actionable.   She resorts to these angry rants about responsibility and how she could have raised such lazy kids.    When she is gone I simply shiut off internet access in the morning until such time as chores are done and miraculously the stuff gets done.   

We were discussing this problem and she is getting down to the point of crying.   She said that she cant understand humanity that doesn't see the importance of the task as an opportunity to help people.   I said that my company has 130k employees and they have 100 percent compliance in their annual compliance training ever since they put in the unwavering stipulation that annual compliance training must be completed by December 31 at midnight US Central Time zone or you are ineligible for a bonus that spring.   She asked what it was before and I said about 65 percent then they beggged and pleaded.   She said she can't imagine so many people are so jaded that the only reason they would take compliance training is to just ensure their bonus and doesn't that bother the company leadership.   I said it does so they put in a consequence that ensures it is done.  And she said that if the only reason they are taking their training is to ensure they get a bonus then aren't they motivated by the wrong thing.   I said no one is motivated to take annual compliance training. 

She got very angry when I asked if she could just consider that we take away internet and phone access for the following day if stuff doesn't get done by say 9 pm.   She cried and said she can't believe she raised such horrible children and why can't they see the value of work.   

I have to say honestly in here that I'm one of the people who probably wouldn't get to annual compliance training without the threat.  I love the company, the customers, the work but there are only so many times you can see the same slide show about diversity and gender and harassment.   It's important but at the same time falls under compliance because for a lot of people is a secondary focus compared to their jobs.

I just realized she is so locked into her world view that she can't even comprehend a person not caring about a chore like mowing as a sacred duty.   

My parents were sort of benevolent dictators taking my car keys for major transgressions, multiple times they took away our Atari when my sisters and I failed to do our stuff and I was expected to get food grades to have the "privilege of driving the car my father was gracious enough to loan to me" (I couldn't call it "my car", I had to call it "the car my father was gracious enough to loan me")

I know every parent and family is different.   I just can't imagine getting despondent over 1) teenagers prefer video games and YouTube over mowing and cat litter and 2) people hate annual compliance training.

Yet another dad fact of the rigiidty of personality disorders I suppose.

[Thru the Rain]

It sounds like "splitting".

Here's a small part of the definition of splitting from the Toolbox:  Splitting - The practice of regarding people and situations as either completely "good" or completely "bad". So nothing in the middle, no accounting for differences in motivations from person to person.

Here a link to the full description: https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/splitting-idealization-and-devaluation

The full description in the Toolbox includes suggestions of what to do and what not to do, which you might find very helpful.

[1footouttadefog]

She likely finds alot of her since of self worth in being a Dudely Do Right.  This could be a form of mommy pleasing but its her pleasing the power strictures, authorities and institutions of the world.  Pharaseeism.

My pdH was much like this about some things.  He valued having his clock punches right in the hour, being compliant to all company rules for the most part, oaus bills the same day they come in the mail etc etc.

Very child like black and white thinking and a feeling of being better than others due to his dutiful compliance and punctuality.  Seemingly cooperative and friendly but at the same time judgemental and jealous, and watching for others to fail or make a mistake.

However with my pdh these things could very easily be sabotaged for others if he was angry or jealous etc.  Like having a last minute crisis to make me late to something that mattered to me.

[Wilderhearts]

That is incredibly saddening to hear, Jsinjin.  I know this site is about coping with the wreckage and devastation that pwPDs have done to us and others, but the fact remains that pwPD are incredibly unwell and experience a huge amount of distress and poor quality of life as a result of their mental illness.

A lot of us don't even understand the natural consequences we experience as adults - most friends from whom I've "drifted away" will never realize what they did that was the last straw.  Of course children need their parents to implement consequences to behaviour to get a sense of what real consequences are.

I just realized she is so locked into her world view that she can't even comprehend a person not caring about a chore like mowing as a sacred duty.   

pwOCPD really do treat their distorted value system as something sacred, with something a lot like religious fanaticism that doesn't let them see outside of their own view, and makes them feel justified in shaming others into compliance.  What a parallel. 

It sounds like you're still doing a fine job of holding onto healthy parenting practices, despite her inability to support them.