Pathaological Life Lessons

[theonetoblame]

To start on a positive and happy note, I've been doing great lately! The pandemic has been horrible but I'm feeling strong and resilient and to be carrying on down a positive life path. I've let go of some toxic people in the last year (one in particular) and it feels like this relationship was the last toxic trigger in my life, things have been more stable and predictable for me since.

The purpose of this topic is to reflect on toxic life lessons that were taught to us as children and that we needed to become aware of and correct as adults because they were causing us to repeat childhood developmental patterns or to other otherwise perpetuate the toxicity of our childhood. When growing up around PD people we adapt in order to survive. Sometimes we mimic them, sometimes we mirror an opposite but still dysfunctional image of them, sometimes we just learn lessons that become part of our life narrative until we finally realize how ridiculous and harmful they are.

One of the most damaging lessons I learned is that the people who love me (my mother and father) invade my personal space and threaten my safety. My mother would often grab me and yank me around, throw me to the ground, scream at me etc. As I became a teen my father would rush at me like an angry bear leaving me cowering in a corner, and at times take a swing at me (never actually connected) or otherwise overpower me.

My pathological lesson was that it is necessary to become bigger and stronger than the people that loved me so I could 'take them out' and ensure my safety. This happened when I was 10 and pulled a reversal on my mother, pinning her to the ground. Then again at 16 with my 240lbs father by putting him in an arm bar, my knee in his face pushing him into the ground and calmly explaining that I wasn't going to hit him but I would if he ever attacked me again. 

As I transitioned into adulthood I then tolerated abusive behavior from people, especially if I quietly knew I was stronger than them (read girlfriends and occasional psychopath at work). The thing I missed completely, for years, is that their behavior towards me still caused me harm and that it was truly abuse. Just because the couldn't 'take me down' didn't mean their behavior didn't cause me harm. People who others would cut off without hesitation I allowed to linger in my life.

I figured out this pattern by my mid/late 20's and worked hard to become fully aware of it and to in turn make the changes in myself that were needed to attract positive and genuinely supportive people into my life.

When I'm healthy I often reflect on and ponder these life lessons... I have others, but this one is a strong narrative.