Out of the timeloop

[ooids]

I think first of all I just wanted to say thank you so much to this forum -- it meant everything to find the reassurance I'm not totally crazy, nor was I totally worthless for staying with someone who treated me so badly.

My PPDx broke up with me at the end of May, but we kept seeing each other on and off up until August. Being nice on and off, talking about wanting a future together, wanting to be close and call and text and write, then the conversation just crashing down with the same accusations that drove us apart in the first place. He said I was always covertly insulting him, maybe even in a way that I didn't realize. Except that I had also been very explicit. He said he was concerned because I seemed to be so convinced of an unreality and needed me to know; he was just trying to give me an opportunity to speak every time he would take some mundane thing I said and ask what I really meant. So much of it was a suspicion I was talking about sex when I really actively avoided the topic.

I kept looking for something to fix. I wanted to accept that I had done something that I could fix. But the examples insults was stuff I said purely as a joke, and also sometimes included examples from 2 years. The more I tried to explain I didn't mean these things as insults, the more he got agitated, saying I was invalidating his feelings and that if I had told him something he said hurt me, he would accept it.

Eventually I wasn't even trying to be discreet about my pain. It culminated in a night where I was on the ground, sobbing in gravel, trying to be pathetic enough for mercy. He was yelling at me that he wasn't crazy but I didn't even have words to say at that point. After who knows how long, he spends 15 minutes holding me and calming me down, we go back to his place and he falls asleep immediately. I thought I should run away before he woke up because I couldn't tell if he'd be angry, still try to argue when he woke up. I felt so stuck, I cut myself that morning.

I had cried nearly every day for months trying to maintain a friendly relationship, trying to make up for my shortcomings somehow. I was also on this forum; I was calling crisis and abuse counselors, and I knew something bad was happening. I kept begging him to be nice and he said he was trying because he cared about me BUT..... he just couldn't get over how I'd been insulting him. I lost my appetite and my body hurt. I had the marks on my stomach from that night I cut. And I finally realized it was a fight I realized I would never win.

But despite everything, I didn't think I deserved it because I've never treated someone like that in my life. I can't believe that's what love looks like. I felt so alone crying all the time, but all I could do was try to support and take care of me. I was too embarrassed to tell people what was actually going on, but all my friends treated me kindly and like I was worth being gentle with. Never having to ask, just being nice. This forum was so validating; the crisis chats were so clear that he could always have chosen to be kinder. I went NC with him finally two days ago. I'm crying not because I miss him so much as I miss being safe and at peace, and sometimes he could be the source of that but the scales finally tipped and it was more bad than good.

I'm moving 1500 miles away tomorrow to get my dream job; I almost passed it up to stay with him here for the eggshell future, the thing that could've been perfect if I was always on tiptoe. I feel like I just broke out of a timeloop and I'm spending time with myself actually taking care of my body and my emotions. I like being with me. I know I'm not perfect but I'm not crazy for wanting someone to treat me with consistency. I'm looking forward to therapy and I'm looking forward to being Out of the FOG and I'm so grateful to everyone here.

[notrightinthehead]

None of this sounds healthy and I am glad you are out of this relationship. I wish you strength to stay out.