Advocating for myself without my wife!

[Samuel S.]

I continuously have to defend myself with my wife. After having a new car for the last 19 years, I was given an estimate of $3,000 to get it repaired. So, I decided I rather use some additional funds I have to buy a much more economical car for in and around town and a rare trip out of town. I will be able to take care of all of the costs related to a new car.

When I told my wife about this, she was supportive of me doing this, but at the same time, she went on  this negative comment kick by saying that me using her car when my car wasn't working to doctor appointments was a major inconvenience due to any possible germs that I might catch and put in her car. So, while everyone is concerned about COVID-19, she really goes overboard and doesn't realize that I social distance, wear a mask, and wear gloves.

On top of it all, she doesn't like but begrudgingly accepts my decision to see doctors and get tests for my own health. The latest thing going on with me are 3 lymph nodes or glands in my neck. She said that because I have bad kidneys, that it is affecting my lymph nodes or glands, that I shouldn't get tests done because they are expensive. I just let her talk, but she said she knows I am an advocate of my own health in spite of her toxic talk. BTW, I checked online, and a doctor from Mayo Clinic says there is no relationship between bad kidneys and lymph nodes or glands. I didn't say anything to my wife, because she would just say that it is only 1 person's opinion. Well, that one person knows much more than she does, but she claims to be an authority on everything. The reason being she doesn't want me to go out of the house. She doesn't want me to see doctors. She doesn't want me to get tests done, but I do, because I already had a benign tumor removed from my neck 21 years ago, and I wasn't even aware of it until my dentist discovered it. This time, I discovered the 3 lymph nodes or glands of different sizes. Also, I have lost 11 pounds in less than a month. I also get tired easily. So, all this is concerning, but she doesn't seem to care. I do!

Some of you suggest I shouldn't try to even say anything to her and just do what I need to do. If I don't say anything to her, she will just say I can't be trusted by not telling her everything. So, it is quite frustrating and frankly very frustrating!

[1footouttadefog]

If you can afford a new car  and want one, buy a new car, or newer car.

Going to visit you friends and relatives, and going to see shows is important to you and you should have secure transportation.

And besides you are not getting younger enjoy what you work for while you can.
Mercy knows you need no more stress and agrevation and new , reliable transportation can relieve much worry.

I had neighbors in my previous location that always bought older luxury cars.  The gas expense, higher insurance and constant exoensive repair costs and breakdowns made them seem not so much a luxury.  I very much enjoyed my Corrolla that had a nice sporty stick shift , great AC, working windows, nice radio and 40 mpg that it went where I needed it to for 12 years trouble free was my luxury.  Realizing our newest vehichle, the corrola replacement, was 10, and the other car 2003, we recently sprung for a new one. Also we have two college students. 

[SparkStillLit]

Yes, a stick shift is definitely the thing! Eeerrrrrrt!!!! Haha! Not that I would do that. Nope. Not me!
You get yourself a nice car. You deserve it. You're WORTH IT.

[Samuel S.]

Most people are really great! They really are! Yet, there are those who will take advantage of you when you have the best of intentions.

It is bad enough to have a wife who has proven herself the opposite of what she had originally said, that is to be a "soulmate", that she is much better than my first wife, etc., in order to promote herself. Then, she turns out to be much less than what she claimed.

Fast forward to today. I tutor a lot of people. One father's daughter I have tutored for the past 5 weeks. Several weeks ago, I mentioned that by the end of the month, he could pay me for the tutoring I have done for his daughter. He said it would be in the mail. Well, 2 weeks later, the check is not here. I subsequently emailed the father to send the money for the past due and for tutoring in the future and that I am dedicated and will be there for his daughter to help her with her Spanish studies. If not, when I am scheduled to tutor again, I will not. No response yet!

Another disappointment is that due to some people from India having a celebration tomorrow, they asked if we could have a tutoring session today, and I agreed. When the time came, I waited for 15 minutes, and they didn't show up. I was concerned. So, I emailed them that I hope everything was okay. I got a response indicating they wish to schedule for next Sunday, instead. I responded saying that we agreed that I would tutor them today, and I could have done something else other than waiting for them to show up. I also said an apology is in order. No response yet!

So, combining my wife with these 2 disappointments of today, I realize they have the blame. I have been there for them due to my dedication. I just wish they would be more respectful.

[1footouttadefog]

Ouch!

Know the feeling quite well.  When it seems everyone elses time and plans are more important than yours. And that Mr. Nice guy gets the rude treatment because the offenders know you will be gracious with them.

I just graduated my youngest after schooling K-Graduation.  One person, only one,  acknowledged what that means and she is a PHD married to a College VP who homeschooled also .  People did not even tell my daughter congratulations if she was present.  "Oh really" or "Huh" as a response to "DD just graduated to high school and is signed up at the college for online courses this semester",  lets me know there is a values and manners mismatch.

As a homeschooler who worked from home I got alot of that with people not bothering to update plans as well as last minute demands on my time.  1foot doesn't work, call her, ask her, maybe she can so it, etc etc.  It is also "fun" when a period if times goes by where everyone is busy and they call and complain about their busy social schedules.  I think to myself my contact must be hidden when they are setting up that schedule. 

I have almost all the one way streets like that off my map and am ready to reboot my activity list but covid is making that hard.  So in the duration I am getting caught up on home and property projects so when the time is right I can hit the roads and do some meetups activities.

I  am in a new phase of life.  My pdh can still manage daily tasks of living and my kids are quite independent so I am going to be quite unavailable to the world outside the one I choose.  Streamlined, downsized, and spending my free time on me or those I choose based om a reciprocal relationship.   Back in April I dropped a person that had become a chronic user.  I guess he decided to go NC, because I did not jump and run when he left a message wanting computer help. I am glad he made it easy on me. 

Sorry to hijack your thread Samuel.

[Medowynd]

You have been so generous to your wife and daughter.  Now when you want to do something for yourself, your wife interferes in your decision to get a new car.  I would ignore her and get the best vehicle that will fit your needs.

[Samuel S.]

Today just so happens to be both my wife's birthday and my MRI. I got her gift which she thanked me for. It's a yoga meditation light that changes 16 colors, and she likes it.

She knew before that I was doing my MRI for which I was apprehensive about, but she forgot or didn't care. No matter what was going on in that mind of hers, there was no mention to her before or today about it. So, I just left to do the MRI. The only way I have gotten comfort and a shoulder frankly is from this website and from my Facebook friends. I just wish the wife I married for whom I have given so much of myself, my listening, my love, my care, and my help, could do the same for me. Again, I need to take care of my own life while she is only concerned with the expense of tests. One of these days, I just might ask her what she values more: my life or tests to determine and to prevent illnesses or worse.

[GettingOOTF]

We all deserve to love seen, loved and appreciated by our partners.

I know for me personally my difficult and stressful times got much more manageable when I was also burdened with untangling why my husband didn't care and what his possible motivations would be.

I know when I see your posts I hope doe good things for you and I've never met you. There is so much love and compassion out in the world and you are just as deserving of it as anyone.

I'm glad you are able to take care of these things for yourself no hope the MRI went well.

[SparkStillLit]

Late to the party AS USUAL, but here's to very best MRI outcome!!!

[Samuel S.]

Thank you for your feedback and for your positive vibes!

I have been tutoring a married doctor for the past 5 months online. She and I get along very well, and she has been learning Spanish very well, considering how busy she is. She knows about the lumps in my neck, my loss of appetite, as well as some fatigue. Today, before we even started with the lesson, she inquired about me, because she really cares. She told me to eat more, and she asked me for my cell phone number so she could find out how I am doing. Also, she wants me to send her the results of the MRI as soon as I get them, because she is very concerned. She even remembered that the MRI was today that I was going to have my MRI which is way better than my wife who is so immersed in her work, in her studies, in herself, that she didn't even remember.

While our lessons usually go over an hour by five or ten minutes, today, she stopped the lesson at the end of the hour, because she wanted me to eat.

Needless to say, I almost cried, because that's way more care than my own wife. Mind you, I am not interested in this doctor in any way. I just know that she cares tremendously, and I care tremendously about her, her health, and her husband who is a nice guy.

[losingmyself]

Samuel, it's so weird that when we get something from another human that we should get from the people who claim to love us, be it compassion or understanding, or just a listening ear, and it hits us like a shock. I remember having that feeling, and I almost cried, too. Then I thought that this shouldn't be such a big deal, it's normal human feedback. But it feels so strange.
I hope you know that  all of us here are pulling for you, and hoping that things turn out well. I'm so happy that you have someone who cares and can give you helpful advice, and just a shoulder to lean on. That means so much, especially to our health. God bless, and good luck.

[Samuel S.]

Losingmyself, thank you! Your words are so very powerful and so very sensitive!

[1footouttadefog]

I find it sad that with simple interactions of friendship and showing caring such as between you and the Dr. / pupil, you feel the need to clarify what seeks to be intimacy to you.

It really illustrates how devoid your marriage is of humanity when you feel you have to put out a disclaimer that you are not pursuing someone while describing what is a normal human interaction that could have just as easily taken place with a cashier, electrician bank teller, waitress, mechanic, or next door neighbor who you occasioned to have a conversation with.

[Samuel S.]

I found out the results of my MRI. There are no masses and no enlarged lymph nodes. So, that's a major relief! The original exam by the ENT of the carotid artery was verified by the MRI. So, I have emailed the ENT to see what should be done. I have checked online about the carotid artery, and it says that it may need surgery in order for me not to get a stroke. So, there are still answers needed.

As for my wife, I am not going to say anything to her until I get a definitive answer and then I might not. It's just so hard to deal with her while trying to advocate for myself without her getting judgmental, and I don't need that when it comes to my health.

[Samuel S.]

Since I heard from my doctor with a definitive answer that there's no cancer and there's no need for surgery of any kind, I was relieved completely. So, I decided to tell my wife. Her reaction was not of relief or being happy for me. She just said that she had talked to her medium a while back who told her that I was fine. She just continued with other stuff about me needing to find out for myself. While I am happy that she found a way to find joy working with her medium, her medium has proven herself to be wrong for our family financially and for me emotionally.

Some years ago, I developed a sandal which I thought was unique. My wife asked her medium about the sandal, and her medium said that we would make "millions". After my sister in law and I forked out about $15,000 and after 3 attempts to get the sandal patented, it failed, because there was something similar in Florida. When I asked the medium about this, she said: "I don't know".

Some years ago, my wife suggested to me that I should come up with 3 names of counselors for myself. I came up with 3, and her medium selected one particular one. So, I went to that one for some 7 months. Well, that counselor went crazy and killed his ex-wife, his ex-wife's sister, and then himself.

So, while my wife disregards these events, I don't. While my wife regards this medium, I don't. So, while I am open-minded to real mediums, this one is a fake, and I again need to be own self-advocate. Her comments of basically "I told you so" and not being about me being healthy speaks volumes about herself. Unfortunately, her daughter, the daughter I have helped to raise for the last 20 years, didn't say anything, I guess just to pair up with her mother. No matter what, they are pretty pathetic! I needed to get specific results instead of relying on someone like this medium who frankly I feel hates men.

[rubixcube]

Thank God there's no cancer!

[rubixcube]

Some years ago, I developed a sandal which I thought was unique. My wife asked her medium about the sandal, and her medium said that we would make "millions". After my sister in law and I forked out about $15,000 and after 3 attempts to get the sandal patented, it failed, because there was something similar in Florida. When I asked the medium about this, she said: "I don't know".

This wouldn't happen to have been a grounding sandal, would it?

[Samuel S.]

It is more elaborate than a grounding sandal.

[rubixcube]

I Direct Messaged you, Samuel.

[losingmyself]

Samuel, thank God, praise Jesus, all those good things for your positive (negative, I guess)  test results!! I am so happy for you!
Continue to feel better and heal.