Filing soon - and some thoughts on the past two years of my journey

[Blackbird11]

It took me a long time to get here, but I'm here. I'm ready to move on with my life and leave this relationship behind. We're currently finalizing some property matters and then I'll be filing in the coming weeks.

I kept my journals of his behavior close by for the many months I've been on this forum, because you were all right - on the days of doubt, it helped remind me why I got the process started.

At a certain point I decided to leave them in my office at work, along with other important paperwork, because I wasn't sure if he'd go on a rampage and try to go through my stuff. I was locked out of the office for the past few months because of the pandemic, which meant my journals were in there (it's ok - I knew they were safe). I was given the opportunity to pick stuff up from my desk this week and I grabbed them.

Up until this point, like everyone else, I've had ups and downs and good days and bad days, and weeks upon weeks of worry, regret, guilt, fear, and more. This has been such a difficult emotional process. While I'm still a work in progress, I definitely feel more capable of handling what's to come than I did at the beginning.

Yesterday I had a few minutes to re-read the things he did to me and it seems so evident - more than ever - that I am making the very best decision I have ever made in my life. I don't care what anyone thinks about it anymore. I don't care if some people never talk to me again. The way I was treated is unacceptable, and I am finally - FINALLY standing up for myself.

I know we're all at different points in the journey, so I thank those who came back to report about what it's like on "the other side," and send strength and prayers to those just beginning or in the middle of the worst. You will get through it. You are stronger than you know. We always talk about their mask falling off, but when you really come Out of the FOG - and you will - you will know that the real illusion is thinking that you can't handle it (whatever IT is) by leaving them. You can. They don't want you to know that. They really are the ones who can't handle it. And it's not your job to feel their pain and usher them through it. You have to do that for yourself. 

Stay strong!

[ToAudrey]

Thank you so much Blackbird for posting your update. Very good advice to write things down that I really need to do more as it really is so easy to talk yourself in to thinking it isn't "that bad" during lulls in the behavior.

Very happy that you have made it to the "other side" of things and are on a path to heal and taking care of yourself.

[Poison Ivy]

 

[GettingOOTF]

This is such a wonderful update to read. It really is a journey and we all have to come to see the truth of our situation for our levels.

It really does keep getting better. I look back and can no longer see why I fought so hard to stay on my abusive marriage.

I think it's so important to post these updates. I got so much hope and strength from them myself.