What are your success stories?

[BefuddledClarity]

Been feeling down lately due to work and family life so I wanted to hear your success stories for some hope.

How did you deal with the PDs(work,family,spouses,etc) in your life?

Where are you now in life?

What piece of advice would you give those going thru a hard time?

[Wilderhearts]

I think one of the biggest overall gains that I've made is shifting from being in survival mode to taking risks for my own benefit. 

I started travelling solo - that means I wasn't hoarding that money for the next emergency.  I fell in love with life and also got to fall in love with a person.  It disrupted so many patterns and let me come Out of the FOG in so many ways.

I quit a good job because it was a toxic work environment and I realized I wanted to change my field a little.  It resulted in a huge pay raise, a better work environment, a better team, and work that is better suited to my skills and interests, even though it's tough and I'm on a huge learning curve.

I sign a new lease tomorrow.  I'm currently living in a gorgeous house, mountain views, best landlord I've ever had, I'm way undercharged for rent, and my roommate has a dog I love.  But I really want to live alone - being an ACON means the presence of others is overwhelming, and my roommate has her own issues that makes it difficult for me to work from home.  The place I'm going to isn't amazing in the same way, but I'm hoping it will pay off, and that I haven't just made a huge mistake.

Before, I was always immobilized by the fear that it'd be out of the frying pan and into the fire.  Better the devil you know than the devil you don't, sort of thing.  Now I'm willing to risk losing good things in hopes of something better.

Not everyone has the financial security to take those kinds of risks - I'm quite privileged.  But we take risks like those (or choose not to) on a daily basis.

[BefuddledClarity]

Wilderhearts,

It's good to hear that you have made big gains(work, living, finances) overall!

I think one of the biggest overall gains that I've made is shifting from being in survival mode to taking risks for my own benefit. 

I started travelling solo - that means I wasn't hoarding that money for the next emergency.  I fell in love with life and also got to fall in love with a person.  It disrupted so many patterns and let me come Out of the FOG in so many ways.

I quit a good job because it was a toxic work environment and I realized I wanted to change my field a little.  It resulted in a huge pay raise, a better work environment, a better team, and work that is better suited to my skills and interests, even though it's tough and I'm on a huge learning curve.

I sign a new lease tomorrow.  I'm currently living in a gorgeous house, mountain views, best landlord I've ever had, I'm way undercharged for rent, and my roommate has a dog I love.  But I really want to live alone - being an ACON means the presence of others is overwhelming, and my roommate has her own issues that makes it difficult for me to work from home.  The place I'm going to isn't amazing in the same way, but I'm hoping it will pay off, and that I haven't just made a huge mistake.

Before, I was always immobilized by the fear that it'd be out of the frying pan and into the fire.  Better the devil you know than the devil you don't, sort of thing.  Now I'm willing to risk losing good things in hopes of something better.

Not everyone has the financial security to take those kinds of risks - I'm quite privileged.  But we take risks like those (or choose not to) on a daily basis.

Right now, I'm currently debating on quitting this job sooner(without a job lined up) or later(have a job lined up). It's decent pay but...surrounded by toxic people(customers, coworkers, mangement) and it's basically a dead-end job. Not really anything more to learn from it nor move up. I'm trying to find a new job, but it's been rather difficult.

There are a few consequences if I quit without anything lined up. I would have to depend on spouse momentarily and it may be a bit difficult to pay the bills...

However, my mental health has been detoriating since working there and I have been getting dark thoughts...the only thing stopping me is my son really...if I didn't have my son. I would've quit most likely---like I did the last job(was pregnant at the time, but boss was verbally abusive---non of the other management would do anything and excused the behaviour).

I'm just stressed all around...I don't feel like I have support from my spouse these days...he doesn't communicate much with me unless it's in anger or ONLY when he feels like being intimate which is crummy...

I feel lost. I wish I could leave everything behind and start over(while bringing my son of course). I want him to have a nice life and not struggle lioe I did. I grew up poor and when I went to college, almost became homeless(long story).

But after reading what you wrote a few times over, it may just be the risk I need to take. I've side hustled before and won't stop working----even if I din't have a "real" job. I'll make my own.


I appreciate you sharing your success story by the way and holy mackeral I can RELATE to the ACoN part and wanting to be alone. Ever since I lived with my spouse, I stopped doing my hobbies and such...I need to start back up again. And it's just a "me" thing really, he doesn't care if I do or don't do my hobbies(some are rather loud hobbies, so I try being mindful. Then I quit doing it cold turkey). And...I feel at ease on my days off when I completely by myself. It's nice...

[Free2Bme]

Greetings BefuddledClarity,

I am sorry to hear of your stress, lack of support/intimacy and job issues.     

How did you deal with the PDs(work,family,spouses,etc) in your life?
Well, I divorced H after 20 long years.  It was a last resort and I chose to do this because it would have be more destructive for me/children to remain with him than to go it alone.   I am happily NC with updxh, but must see him on occasion for events related to our children. 

Where are you now in life? 
It's been 4 years since I divorced, I am early 50's and starting over.  I went back to school 5 years ago and about to graduate.  My life is very different post-divorce, I gave up staying at home with my children, financial security and a comfortable living.  I do the work of two and live on 1/7 of my married income.  I lost family, friends and church when I left my H.  Three of my four children are young adults, my youngest is still in highschool.  I don't date, no time (a little leary to be honest) but I would like to.  Although I would not have scripted my life this way, I have learned so much and have grown as a person through this trial.  I have peace in my home, and do not regret my decision to leave an abusive situation or the loss of the money and material things.  I have clarity, freedom to be a human being without being attacked or maligned. 

What piece of advice would you give those going thru a hard time?
It sounds as if your job is really draining you mentally and emotionally, as well as other things.  In Maslow's hierarchy of needs, the need for safety and mental/ emotional wellbeing are the priority, other needs come after these are met.  Maybe this is where you are at.  You may just need to take care of your basic needs and that is super ok.  I tend to be an over achiever with 12 plates always spinning.  I have to remind myself that being strong doesn't mean denying that I a human and have needs for rest/security/etc., but knowing when I need to take care of myself.  You mentioned your son., he needs his mom  to be healthy.  Taking care of yourself is being a good mother on so many levels.  You are the best person to decide what is best for your situation whether that means leaving your job now or waiting until you have something else. 

When I am wrestling with a difficult decision, I whiteboard my options literally in black & white.  I list every possible scenario/option, and the potential consequences.  Then I can go through the process of elimination and make the best choice. 

I would encourage you to start building in very small things sonce per week to fill yourself up; a hobby, going for a walk,  podcast, book, calling a friend, time alone.  Do it even when you don't feel like it.  I also kept a gratitude journal, and looked at it daily to remind myself of my blessings.  This was extremely helpful to combat dark thoughts and feelings.

Strength & peace to you, take care

[Wilderhearts]

That's a tough situation, BC.  Especially since it sounds like the pwPD in your life is your spouse.  It would be quite tough to be financially dependent on them, as that gives them something else to leverage over you - it gives them more control and the upper hand.

I had to get a solid smack upside the head to leave my toxic work environment.  I loved the work, the purpose, and the pay/benefits were good.  But I completely lost my health, and I blame the toxic stress there.  I was on sick leave for over three months, eventually unpaid, so sick that I couldn't walk for weeks.

The drain that a toxic workplace puts on you can leave you quite vulnerable - physically, mentally, and emotionally, if not financially.  So even if you're not becoming financially dependent on PD'd spouse (temporarily), it may leave you more psychologically and emotionally susceptible to the abuse.

One thing I struggle with, coming from a PD'd FOO, is knowing when to cut my losses.  I stay and stay and stay.  There's a post I shared based on a Dr. Ramani video - people who are unsusceptible to narcissism tend to know when to walk away.  It's a good thing to have a bit of trial and error with, I think.

It sounds like you are resourceful, hardworking, and resilient, and you've possibly been through harder times.  When things got rough for my mom a few years ago, we looked at each other and said "...it'll work out.  We've been through worse." 

[BefuddledClarity]

Hello Free2Bme,

Temporarily, I gave up on job searching but...I'm going back at it again now. I took a couple of days off work to relax...been working a lot lately, doing mandatory overtime hours and having to cover SO's bills for him being out at the hospital for a while...

It's good to hear that you have ultimately gained a lot through those loses! I am actually considering cutting off quite a bit of people from my life(PDparents,Siblings,possibly SO,In-Laws). I hope to gain as much as you did. I want to go back to school and find a career

Thank you for your encouraging words, I will try to journal more often.

That's a tough situation, BC.  Especially since it sounds like the pwPD in your life is your spouse.  It would be quite tough to be financially dependent on them, as that gives them something else to leverage over you - it gives them more control and the upper hand.

I had to get a solid smack upside the head to leave my toxic work environment.  I loved the work, the purpose, and the pay/benefits were good.  But I completely lost my health, and I blame the toxic stress there.  I was on sick leave for over three months, eventually unpaid, so sick that I couldn't walk for weeks.

The drain that a toxic workplace puts on you can leave you quite vulnerable - physically, mentally, and emotionally, if not financially.  So even if you're not becoming financially dependent on PD'd spouse (temporarily), it may leave you more psychologically and emotionally susceptible to the abuse.

One thing I struggle with, coming from a PD'd FOO, is knowing when to cut my losses.  I stay and stay and stay.  There's a post I shared based on a Dr. Ramani video - people who are unsusceptible to narcissism tend to know when to walk away.  It's a good thing to have a bit of trial and error with, I think.

It sounds like you are resourceful, hardworking, and resilient, and you've possibly been through harder times.  When things got rough for my mom a few years ago, we looked at each other and said "...it'll work out.  We've been through worse." 

Hi Wilderhearts,

Currently, stuck at this job BUT I'm learning to not really...care anymore. This is going to sound bad, but we have AWFUL workers there that are late EVERYDAY, take 3+ hr lunches, and skimp out on their work...I do my job right and show up on time. I've learnt to hold my ground and don't care anymore really.

Despite this, it would be lovely to work elsewhere. Started to search up again, hope this works out...

I've considered leaving SO a couple of times. He proves to be unreliable and I'm tired of cleaning up after him as though he were a child and feeling like I'm going mad. I also HATE dealing with his PD family and I am not fond of any of them at all now. I have posts about my SO and in-laws for more info on them.

Today, my SO came home around 1 in the morning, drunk and high. He left around maybe 5-6pm. He's talking to his friend too at OUR house, this early in the morning. He used to do obnoxious things like this when I was pregnant too. Thought he stopped doing silly stuff like this, but he didn't.

I've been working many hours lately and will be saving that to move out if worse comes to worse. I'm fed up.

[Concerned One]

My greatest success story is waking up from this FOG and seeing my family for who they really are.

Although I was always aware that something was not right, the day that suspicion became fact was the greatest day of my life. August 17th 2020.

No other success (in this lifetime) will be as great as that for me.

[BefuddledClarity]

My greatest success story is waking up from this FOG and seeing my family for who they really are.

Although I was always aware that something was not right, the day that suspicion became fact was the greatest day of my life. August 17th 2020.

No other success (in this lifetime) will be as great as that for me.

Hello Concerned One,
If you don't mind me asking, did something in particular happen on that day that made you wake up from the FOG? Or was it more of a "tired of dealing with this" gradual build up?

For me, always knew since I was young that I did not want to be around PD family and that something was off. As soon as I became legal adult in my country, I left my PD family behind. It was never really an "aha" moment but build up, I suppose. Currently, VLC with them since I have a child and like quite close to one of my siblings---who my parents visit occassionally(parents are 1,000+ km away...)

[Concerned One]

My greatest success story is waking up from this FOG and seeing my family for who they really are.

Although I was always aware that something was not right, the day that suspicion became fact was the greatest day of my life. August 17th 2020.

No other success (in this lifetime) will be as great as that for me.

Hello Concerned One,
If you don't mind me asking, did something in particular happen on that day that made you wake up from the FOG? Or was it more of a "tired of dealing with this" gradual build up?

For me, always knew since I was young that I did not want to be around PD family and that something was off. As soon as I became legal adult in my country, I left my PD family behind. It was never really an "aha" moment but build up, I suppose. Currently, VLC with them since I have a child and like quite close to one of my siblings---who my parents visit occassionally(parents are 1,000+ km away...)

Hello Befuddled Clarity.

Yeah. I just saw what a manipulative game player my mum was. Always suspected it, but that day she really confirmed it.

I've already been VLC for some years now (about 6 or 7). It's time for full on NC now.

Good luck to you..

[xredshoesx]

How did you deal with the PDs(work,family,spouses,etc) in your life?

i'm about to have a PhD in grey rock.  being here helped me to deal with the difficult people on the job and in my own life (PD/ uPD and folks that are just hard) because i learned to depersonalize situations.   being here helped me to see where i could better spend my time and energies nurturing relationships that mattered vs trying to hang on to ones that were toxic to me.

Where are you now in life?
i've been happily married to another non for almost 11 years- i met him online but not here.  i got my 'dream job' and am about to start my third year there monday.  we have weathered a lot of storms (deaths in the family, financial struggles, chronic illness/ autoimmune disorder) and are still working on working through problems constructively vs destructively and becoming a stronger unit as a family. 

What piece of advice would you give those going thru a hard time?
once i had some end goals in mind about where i wanted to be, it was easier to dig my heels in for the long haul.  my therapist helped me to establish long term goals and how to have the courage to DREAM bigger as i had a hard time seeing things more than 2-3 months into the future because of the childhood trauma i had experienced.  it didn't happen overnight.  think of the tortoise and the hare and who really won that race.