intrusive questions

[Sidney37]

I know that intrusive, boundary violating questions are typical of some PDs.  I have always had problems dealing with covert narcissists and their intrusive questions.  It happens with my PD relatives, PDs that I know in my neighborhood and in my child's school.   I just freeze when an intrusive, covert narcissist asks me questions that I don't want to answer.  Some of the questions seem totally innocent to an outsider, but I know whatever my answer is there will be a snide remark or the info will be used against me with some of these people.  I see a few examples in the toolbox of what to say, but I need more.  Does anyone have a link to other possible answers to intrusive questions?

[hhaw]

In response, ask them...

"why do you want to know?"

Use some humor... be curious then listen for their answer.

What can they say?

Just lift your eyebrows and wait for more explanation..... and smile with expectation.

[tragedy or hope]

1. always always always turn a question back on them in some way or you will find yourself answering their question. My unpdh does not answer my questions... he answers me with whatever he wanted to say. I learned this tactic from him. great way to avoid.

2. when you hear the uncomfortable question...simply change the subject! talk about something weird you have prepared in your mind... like "do you know why giraffes have such long necks?

3. say something mindless yet smart, this is to get them off track. I was reading the other day and did you know the stars are .... miles away?
they will persist... then you can say... my aren't you interested in me!!  thank you!
what about you?

4. I don't discuss those topics with others. I consider them private. Did you want to share something with me?

5. that's an interesting question.. I will have to think on it and get back to you. (and you don't bother getting back)

6. why do you ask?

7. What brought you to that train of thought?

8. I'm not sure

9. I don't know

10. you seem so interested in the way I think... thank you.  say nothing.

11. always answer their question with a question... you are being baited.

12. tell me what you think first... then get off the subject by something prepared from above.

Lastly you are NEVER  obligated to answer any question from anyone. Stand your ground with this.

Remember even criminals have the right to remain silent. anything they say will be used against them in a court of law.

be willing ahead of time for the consequences. they will not like you for your standing up for yourself and will talk about that too! what do you care.. you are taking care of yourself.. that's all that matters.

[foggyme]

I found it rude in the past but now I simply pretend I didn't hear the question - but I don't do it with people who ask invasive questions as a one-off behavior or people who I like otherwise. Until now nobody challenged me on why I didn't hand them over the information.

[Sidney37]

Thanks all.  I'm worst when cornered by a neighbor, a school employee or a parent at the school.  I've begun to get a handle on it when dealing with relatives.  Lucky for me, COVID is keeping me inside at the moment.  I'm going to practice some of these for when I next run into my neighbor who thinks the speed at which I do gardening, how close my trash cans are to my house or where I park my car in my driveway is somehow her business. 

[Wilderhearts]

The uOCPD I knew was the worst for intrusive questions...my best friend refers to it as "vulgar curiosity."  Like you're concerned may happen to you, she was collecting ammunition to use against me later, or to be snide about.

Useful non-answers:

1. Who knows?
2. Something like that
3. Sure, why not (this is slightly sarcastic so use with caution - may be negative fuel for some)
4. Hmmmm?  *shrug*
5. *Blank stare*
6. I'm taking care of it/I've got it
7. Don't worry about it
8. Good/fine
9. Doesn't matter

Direct boundary setting
1. That's not your business
2. That's for me to decide
3. Ask "excuse me?" in a way that it's clear you think they're question is unacceptable.  If they repeat it, ignore and move the conversation onto something else.
4. I'm not discussing it/I don't want to discuss that (do *not* offer explanations for not wanting to discuss something)

One time, when my uOCPD roommate asked me for a status update on my job hunt, I just sighed, shook my head, pressed my lips, and didn't answer.  I.e., let your irritation show.

Just remember when you're answering - everything is fine.  Nothing is special.  Nothing is wrong.  Certainly nothing is terrible.  It's all just good and uninteresting.

[1footouttadefog]

One I have used a couple of times since coming Out of the FOG and not putting up with much. 

Sorry to interrupt and change the subject.... , I noticed a sale on personal lubricants at the grocery store, I still can't decide what to buy, what do you and your ________ like best, and , like, how did you decide?

[GettingOOTF]

"Vulgar curiosity" is a good description.

I battled with this a lot. I used to think I owed anyone an answer to any question they asked me. It was a tough compulsion to break.

I encounter this less and less now I have firmer boundaries and more confidence. I guess I give off a different energy now.

When it does happen I ignore or deflect with a joke. Most people accept that and move on. I find people who ask inappropriate questions are looking for a target and they move on pretty quickly when they realize you aren't it.

[tragedy or hope]

I just remembered more... ask them to repeat the question.
And again by asking, did you say... then you repeat what they said.

Then ask for repeat again. By the 3rd time or so almost everyone will change whatever they were saying to something else.

They become aware that you are aware but you have turned the table. Stay straight faced. Don't even behave as if you don't understand, You are just asking them to repeat their foolish curiosity until they become embarrassed. Voila! You don't have to address it but they know you know what they were trying to do.

You have the power how you will decide to answer or non-answer. Sometimes also I have a subject in mind to change it when I hear the questions.

ie: "Oh, you know I was watching the nature channel the other day, did you know monkeys only pick their nose in the dark? (I made that up) if it is something really absurd, you are conveying the foolishness of their questioning without saying it,
If they continue to ask the same question... "my aren't you a curious one... were you like that as a child? " Always put it back on them.

You don't need to carry anything home with you. Good luck! Have fun with it. At first you will feel like you can't do it but I'm telling you... It made me feel like I had my power back in the situation. I use this stuff a lot. I do feel better about me when I leave that person(s).

[Wilderhearts]

When it does happen I ignore or deflect with a joke. Most people accept that and move on. I find people who ask inappropriate questions are looking for a target and they move on pretty quickly when they realize you aren't it.

Vulgar curiosity indeed!

[SparkStillLit]

You know, I am going to do this with H. You'd think he couldn't do "vulgar questions" but he *does*.
I kind of do it anyway, and he gets frustrated with me and huffs "I was KIDDING!!" or "It was a JOKE!!!!"
How is this always their defense?!

[1footouttadefog]

Another fun response I saw a friend use when we used to have GNOs

Oh, I see,  we're getting super personal now, you go first.....