Staying NC when family "forces" contact

[zibandeh]

I have two sisters, and the youngest has a PD. My other sister and I have been the target of her abuse for a long time, but I have especially born the brunt of it. My mother has a PD as well, and her and my PD sibling have enabled each other for my sister's entire life. I have tried to maintain NC with my sibling for years now, but my mother has always attempted to force it. Last year my father was in the ICU for several weeks and it looked like he might not make it. During this time I saw my PD sibling in the hospital. She attacked me verbally many times during this period, escalating each time. I maintained NC after my father surprised all of us with enough improvement to be released.

My father is still not doing well, and it's really only a matter of time before he is no longer with us. I do not wish to be on bad terms or non-speaking terms with my father when he passes away. My issue is that my mother continues to force contact with my PD sibling. If I visit their house -- it is difficult for them to get out of their house -- my PD sibling and/or her teenaged daughter (who is clearly heading down the same path) will be there or suddenly show up. My mother continually lectures me on my responsibility to "forgive and forget." I have told her several times that I do not want to see my sibling nor have any contact with her, and she is not respectful of my wishes.

Can anyone see any way for me to maintain NC while not triggering my PD mother, but still maintain a relationship with my father in his final days, months or years (however long I have with him)?

[Spring Butterfly]

First I'm so sorry about your dad. It's tough to watch aging parents and PD makes it all the more challenging.

Can anyone see any way for me to maintain NC while not triggering my PD mother, but still maintain a relationship with my father in his final days, months or years (however long I have with him)?

honestly no but all is not hopeless.

Unless visiting you maintain NC. Then you "dip in and dip out" :

Going in:
Prepare ahead reading up medium chill
Prepare safe topics
Ensure boundaries solidly in place
Some expressions here on be forum - put on you Kevlar vest (self protection, grounding, guard your heart) and grab your labcoat and clipboard (go in as a disconnected observer with a mission)

THEN you come out:
Leave, do some self care and reconnect with yourself, some healthy self soothing, even an exercise where you symbolically "shake it off" take a shower or brush yourself physically to reinforce your job is done and you are leaving their energy and negativity behind.

Sometimes we need contact for our own moral code.

So you know you're not alone... I'm in a similar situation uPDm and enF with mixed bag of unhealthy sibs. I step in only if needed and fortunately right now I'm not needed. (Regardless of them thinking I am no one is ill or dying so I'm not needed by my standard) Unfortunately enF is a casualty since he enables, actively disassociates and verbally says he expects me to be able to "fix" uPDm so sadly contact with him means contact with her. In fact they take it a step further in that there is no contact allowed with him without going through her and he supports this arrangement. Doesn't want me to email or text him, she will handle that, plus if I call it's always on speaker phone. Sad.

[bloomie]

Hi and welcome! I am thankful you reached out for support maneuvering through this very difficult situation. I am really sorry to hear your father is not doing well.

Spring Butterfly describes exactly what I have chosen to do about spending time with my own elder with fragile health in a family system with another elder who is determined full contact be restored in her family come what may. Who also attempts to use shame and accusations of unforgiveness to get me back in line.

I am NC until circumstances make that impossible and when face to face with this high conflict family member, I have boundaries in place and a plan going in and a focus on recovering when I leave.

I live my boundaries - one of which is I do not engage in nonsense, allow myself to be cornered into a conversation with someone who means me harm, allow myself to be abused or spoken to disrespectfully, or justify, argue, defend, explain my decisions to someone with whom it will not be productive.  Because they do not have ears to hear and eyes to see the misbehaviors and toxic choices of one of their family members that have driven me to this NC decision.

I make sure I have a quick exit plan. 

I have found that taking a stand and holding my position in my OWN family and being present and staying connected with loved ones empowering in a way I couldn't have anticipated. For a lot of years, I hid as if I had done something wrong or didn't also belong, or gave over family events and many moments I can never get back in order to avoid one person with toxic behaviors who sweeps in and takes over the room. When verbally disrespected, I went silent. Frozen.

I don't think that was a wrong choice or response, it was what I needed to do, but I am no longer willing to do that. And it feels pretty darn good.

If you want to see your dad, strap on your imaginary Kevlar vest over your heart to provide some protection, let your mom deal with her own feelings of being triggered, and go see him. Then come back for support and encouragement and to process as you need to.

On a practical level, I choose times when the toxic family member is least likely to be there if I can. I also give very short notice for visits. If that family is there I greet as I would any other human being then I sit down and take my rightful place by my loved one's side and visit.

Strength to you as you find what works best in your own tough circumstances. We are here for you. Keep coming back. It really helps!

[SparkStillLit]

My nmum does this with my sib, with whom I am NC.
I practice grey rock and MC and I leave ASAP. My sib is not very aggressive, however. Nmum is, but that doesn't go far. I do what I need to do and get gone.
It's a little bit hard to recover after, as I have a PD at home, so I tend to go elsewhere to do something refreshing. If I have to go home, I will have to do something distancing and super soothing like knit or game.

[moglow]

The good news is, you're going to him, not hosting them in your space. You get to decide when you visit and for how long. You can shut out/shrug off any and all her comments - you're there for dad, not her bs.

Forgive and forgive sounds all feel good, but fact is they don't see a problem. They just want a return to their status quo. Can you play along to get along - so you get some time with dad?

Be a duck - let Alllll their happy horseshit roll off you like water. It's not yours, nothing you have to take in and hold on to, nothing that changes who you are or ever want to be. Not.your.stuff. Practice good self talk going in, better coming out.

[djcleo]

The good news is, you're going to him, not hosting them in your space. You get to decide when you visit and for how long. You can shut out/shrug off any and all her comments - you're there for dad, not her bs.

Forgive and forgive sounds all feel good, but fact is they don't see a problem. They just want a return to their status quo. Can you play along to get along - so you get some time with dad?

Be a duck - let Alllll their happy horseshit roll off you like water. It's not yours, nothing you have to take in and hold on to, nothing that changes who you are or ever want to be. Not.your.stuff. Practice good self talk going in, better coming out.

Moglow is absolutely right. It may feel differently because they are trying to avoid taking responsibility for anything. My uPD brother does such things too. I can visit my parents, but I can also leave whenever I want too.