Filed for Divorce but Can’t Leave

[ASB073020]

Nearly two weeks ago I filed for divorce. My husband was served on Thursday. He has yet to mention being served and is acting as if nothing happened. He has a history of being controlling and emotionally abusive. He also has outbursts of anger that includes yelling and cussing. When I say controlling he gets angry if something takes longer then he thinks it should. This has even included how long it takes for me to brush my teeth. He disregards my wants and needs and has made fun of me for needing to eat breakfast. Plus name calling to the point of insulting my intelligence. I have my MBA and CPA, but according to him I am incapable of ordering Chinese food for dinner. We have a young daughter who is less then 2 years old and I am pregnant with number 2. I realized I can't raise my children in a house with fighting and anger. I'm afraid of the long term effects on them. They deserve to have happy childhoods. With all that said I am ready to end the marriage and build a positive future for my children. My husband is refusing to move out or even acknowledge the divorce. I have enough money to move out, but I refuse to move without my daughter. I'm afraid if I take her without a court backed custody arrangement I would break the status quo and be ordered for her to return to the home with my husband. What should I do? Has anyone else been in this situation?

[Bunnyme]

Good for you recognizing that your children deserve a healthy relationship model.  So strange how powerful denial can be...especially in PDs.  Do you have an attorney?  I cant advise on the housing front.  I'd probably eventually break down and ask whether he was ever planning to bring it up, but if he is like my husband, he would probably respond something along the lines of, "I figured if you didnt have the decency to talk to me about it ahead of time, I didnt need to discuss it.  You just dont care about my feelings..."  unproductive. I dont have any advice, but totally relate to the weird ability to pretend that absolutely nothing is wrong. 

[Medowynd]

I would look for an attorney that is experienced with working with PDs or adversarial divorces.  They can give you the best advice based on the laws in your area.  DV shelters may have recommendations or ask others that will have attorneys to recommend.

[ASB073020]

I decided to move out. I consulted with my attorney and it appears the worst that can happen is my husband can file a motion of status quo which would mean my daughter would have to resume her residence with my husband, but in that case I would just come back with her at night until the motion is appealed.

[pushit]

Definitely, definitely get a lawyer involved.  Don't listen to me or anyone else on here for specific legal info, but I'll tell you what happened in my situation which was similar.

My lawyer advised me to stay in the house at all costs, but the night before she was served my wife woke me up in a very creepy way at 3 AM to yell at me.  (Similar to Cathy Bates in the movie Misery)  Then, at 6 AM she blocked my exit from the basement, and told me I wasn't allowed upstairs.   It nearly escalated to me calling the police, but she finally backed down and let me make my coffee.  This was before she even knew I was filing!     I called my lawyer before she was served that morning, and told him NO WAY I am sleeping in that house again.  I truly feared for my life and the resulting outbursts after I filed.

I was completely freaked out after she was served, because my L said I had to let her pick up the kids from school, as that was the normal way we did things.  I was so worried about what might happen to them, but it all ended up okay.  I spoke with my kids on the phone that night, and took my oldest to a hockey game two nights later.  I kept pressing for parenting time, and kept pushing my ex when she dodged the conversations.

There were a lot of ugly things that happened for the first couple of months, but in the end it all worked out okay.  exPDw's lawyer tried to make an issue of me moving out, saying I abandoned the property.  My lawyer fought that off successfully (easily).  My ex accused me of everything under the sun and then had a mental breakdown and an evaluation, which was stressful as hell but probably the best thing that ever happened to me.  I ended up having the kids for two weeks while we waited for her to be cleared by a psych.  After all that, she had no leg to stand on in court and 50/50 was a done deal.

I think you're 100% on the right path.  If you feel in your gut that it's not the right environment for the kids then you have to do the right thing.  I too felt I couldn't continue to show my kids an unhealthy environment.  Deep down I knew I needed to show them a better family model.  Based on what happened to me, I think even if your husband filed for status quo you are still deserving of parenting time.  That was the big deal for me, even though I left the house.  My lawyer pushed me hard to EXPECT parenting time, not to ASK for it.  He told me to make it clear that I am an equal parent and the kids need their time with me.  His words: Tell her you're available from 8-3, you look forward to hearing back from her, and keep on her about it.  That kind of stuff.  He was great.  Very assertive, and also very common sense.  I owe him a huge debt for restoring my self confidence in those early days.  IMHO, a lawyer that is very assertive, very common sense, and very proactive is worth their weight in gold.

[not broken]

I am very sorry you are having to go through this.  And I think you should be very proud of yourself.  Make sure your attorney is well versed in dealing with high conflict and/or NPD/BPD personalities.  Read the book Splitting, how to prepare for divorcing a NPD/BPD.  There is very valuable info in there such as setting the record straight vs defending yourself.  You are doing the right thing, and you know what your situation is best, do not second guess yourself. Also, be very careful.  Although you say it is "only" emotional abuse, the fact that he is denying to even acknowledge you have filed, etc. is important.  From personal experience that is a red flag that he will do whatever he can to make sure you stay.  I am having a very similar experience- and it's been 20 years of marriage. Journal and document everything. Timeline of events, how he treats your children, how he treats you.  Save emails, etc.  He will deny everything- things you cannot even imagine someone would lie about. If I have learned anything, they literally cannot accept it- it goes against everything they believe themselves to be.  Accepting failure of loss or whatever they see it as is wiping out their identity.  Be safe and good luck.