It's been a while

[Fedup2020]

I am still without contact. Its been a while now.

My mental health has improved massively. The lack of calls received about my daughter, leads me to believe her mental health has improved too. Though today I found out that she is still up and down, but not hitting the extremes as she was before.
I cant help but see my stepping back being a positive thing for her. That is how it seems.

I was informed today that she feels abandoned. A little down the conversation, it was said in a way "I get the impression she feels abandoned" - so I dont think my dd said herself that she feels abandoned. I was told that she no longer wants me to be given any info on her well being. So if she is in critical care, I am not to be informed.
I was feeling guilty, but then my emotions would shift to frustration because why should I feel guilty, you know.
I felt like I was spiralling out of control with my emotions.

Then I spoke to my dad and he said "she can't get to you any other way (she's blocked on everything), and so she is throwing this out there to get a reaction"
And that made sense. Especially if I'm not to be informed of her wellbeing in any way, shape or form, but i can be told that she feels abandoned by me.

Apparently she believes the reason for me pulling away is due to the calls I was receiving about her negative episodes. So I was only hearing about the bad, rather than the good. So this is why she no longer wants me to be informed about anything.

But...she knows exactly why I pulled away, and it was due to her behaviour towards me. Not what I was hearing. The fact she is stating that she believes its because of other people calling me, shows me that she still has not taken responsibility and is still blaming everyone and everything instead.

I'm posting because my mind is flapping around every different emotion. Writing it out has helped.
I have not missed feeling this way.

They said that if I leave it much longer, it may be too late to repair.
It wasnt nice to hear that, as I would love to have a relationship again. But im not prepared to go back to being a punching bag for verbal abuse.
Hearing that she blames their phone calls for the reason I stopped contact is not really a positive sign that things could work out, or even that things have changed.

I also fear getting back in contact because what if I did, and she dipped again?

[momnthefog]

I understand why writing it out helps.  It helps me too.  And there is no easy answer on when to resume a relationship, if a person will be safe, or if we will get dragged right back into the muck and despair.

I would observe that you are feeling better emotionally and your feel your mental health has improved.  That is HUGE.

Sometimes when things are going well, I start to feel like I can "handle xyz" and I dip my foot back into "xyz."  What I realize is that the reason things were going well and I felt positive was because I was keeping my foot out of "xyz."

You could also send your dd a letter...that says something like.... I would very much like some time for us to both heal and look forward to contact with her after the new year (or some other time frame).  I'm pretty sure that will be misinterpreted....atleast my BPDd would do that.    

I'm glad you are feeling better!

momnthefog

[Fedup2020]

That is what I think I would have done previously. Thinking that I'm feeling good so I can handle it, only to find myself in the same position, and unable to handle it.
It has happened before.

A letter is definitely something to think about. I think you're right though and it would be misinterpreted. In fact, I know it would be. But it could still be a more positive thing, in the long run.

Thanks momnthefog

[Fedup2020]

Surprise, surprise. A referral to children services has been put in. Concerns expressed about her sibling over things he has posted on Instagram.

Two blows at once. How can they themselves not see that this is her trying to get to me?
How am I supposed to look at this and not see her trying to get to me?

[momnthefog]

I am so very sorry.

If i understand,  CPS is now involved bc of things posted on social media about minors in your home?

How old are minors?

[momnthefog]

How do you know a referral was put in?

Who put it in?

[Fedup2020]

The member of staff it was reported to put the referral in. They told me themselves that they were going to.

12 years is the age. For sharing depressing memes on his Instagram story.

[momnthefog]

So dd said things to a staff person about your 12 yo son's Instagram.....and that staff member told you it he/she would report to CPS?

Have you seen the IG posts?

Is 12 yo in family counseling?

I feel like we....parents can overlook the needs and stress on siblings of PDs. My daughters often return for therapy check in when their BPDsis is in contact with them.

If anything, be proactive in talking with T about the impact older sis is having on family. Id advise someone not associated with the place where your dd is staying....atleast to start.

I know this is very stressful on top of everything else.

Please keep us posted.

Momnthefog

[Fedup2020]

Yeah, thats right.

Yes, it is easy to miss the impact they can have on siblings. It really is. When I look back to the behaviour problems that I was having with him, it can be linked with the time when things were all up in the air. With constant stress.
At the time though I was too stressed myself to see directly that it was the same thing that was stressing me, was stressing him.

When i look at how calm things are now, they're not only calm for me. They're calm for him and the others.
A lot of that could be linked with my own self and the whole thing could have had a bigger impact on my parenting than I realised. Along with a bigger impact on the kids than I realised.

I cant imagine having a constantly stressed out parent being nice. 

I had the call today and no further action is going to come from it. The phone call was enough.

Now that I've settled down from the initial shock of it all. I am no longer annoyed that the call went in in the first place. I was because things are going great, but they dont know that. I understand that its not something you can just ignore if you do have concerns.

They said it was just a coincidence that I had two blows from my dd at once, and as much as it might have been. I still can't shake the feeling that this was her trying to get to me.

A call to social services because of a sad meme is a bit extreme to me.

[momnthefog]

I agree with last statement.

And in a perfect world dd would reach out to sibling or to you with concern.

As you are well aware dealing with PD one can never know what to expect.

My BPDd is very vengeful. She calls other family members to try to get them to take sides...generally against me. She has encouraged minors to defy me, move in with her....on and on.  It took me years to understand the depth of damage she was doing to her younger siblings.  Ive lurked on siblings board here to get an idea of what its like for me kids long term if they try to maintain contact with her.

Coming Out of the FOG...is truly a journey. Sometimes it feels like one step forward and two back.

I'm very glad to hear the phone call went well. Hopefully they've got some documentation regarding you dd as well.

Momnthefog

[Fedup2020]

That was a message I made sure to get across to the members of staff. I reminded them that I never once put a block in the way of any contact between them.

I didnt say this next part but...If she wanted to, she could always arrange to see her brother.
Surely, if youre so concerned you'd want to speak to them, or do something to try and make them feel better?

But hey ho, maybe not.

My dd is vengeful too. She has made false accusations about members of staff in order to have them fired because they haven't done what she wanted. She has tried having teachers fired when she was in school.

Its so hard isn't it? Trying to weigh everything up. Especially with siblings. It often feels like you can't do right for doing wrong.

I suppose it is like you say, one step forward and two steps back.

Fingers crossed this is not the start of another sh**storm.

[Fedup2020]

Thank you momnthefog! It really is nice to know that others can listen without judgement, and more importantly actually understand.