Resisting the urge to try and connect

[Gromit]

A friend in another country posted some meme on Facebook some time ago about Lockdown making you want to speak to anyone, even those you dislike.

I keep getting the urge to contact my sister. Who doesn't speak to me, although does respond to texts and did tell me about our fathers death etc, probably because her husband has refused to tell me anything. I have been told not to contact him, and my niece. So, yeah, trying to talk to them would be really stupid and harmful for me.

I know it is some irrational need, we have never been close, she is years older than me. GC. We had this thing of calling each other frequently in the past but there was never any real closeness, she never understood me, was quite judgemental about my actions.

So, instead, I am reaching out in other directions to keep from picking the scab. Calling ACA people, or old school friends, posting here for some recognition.

It's not that my sister is the PD, we are sure that is our mother, but, sometimes, talking to my sister was like talking to my mother, and other times she sounded like a normal person, but I was never sure who I would get.

How do you cope with these urges? How do you cope with being alone whilst people are still alive?

G

[nanotech]

Gromit this is similar to my situation with my older sister. At times in the past she was  very bullying and hurtful, at other times, an ally against our parent's dysfunctional behaviour.

I think maybe I felt and acted like this for her too, a victim of the conditioning we both suffered.  I would fall for the trauma bonding my parents had instilled, and would defend them against her. At those times I used to tell her our parents were fine,
and that her fears were all in her head.
At other times,  we used to be in indignant  agreement that we were very badly treated.

Our parents used to try to play us off against each other, because at times we got really close to working out the truth.

Yet in the end, she gave up and stayed in the fog. I didn't. I got out.

I did feel like contacting her this Spring.
I think I felt that in the climate of a pandemic, she would surely be kind, and even loving.
But then I realised, that it probably wouldn't happen, that I was more than likely looking for that love and approval again. The kind that we all need. The kind that gets withheld in dysfunctional families.
She's become pretty dysfunctional herself these days.
She teetered for a while on the brink of realisation, but then chose the dark side.

I instead take delight in my FOC and in friends, and in nature. I love my garden. I love my yoga! I love music. I'm currently planning a Post -Pandemic Family Party for whenever it's okay to mingle again. (None of my FOO will be coming).

I guess any hobby that you enjoy will help. Any focus that doesn't involve them, will feed your soul and lighten your heart. Let your heart, not society, not FOG, not that need for approval from them that we will never see, guide you.
Love and fun is out there.

[GrayistheWay]

Good question. I struggle with this myself. When you say it must some irrational need to contact your sister. I don't think it's irrational, I think it's normal, at least from my perspective I think family is who has been with us since we were little and for years while growing up. For me, I don't know if it's a need or more of a wish that I could be close with my sisters but I know I can't unless I want to continue to be invalidated which triggers my feelings of unworthiness and depression of why do I even live anyways. I am not no contact but in the process of evaluating if I should be, as I know I do so much better when I am no contact.

My therapist told me "You can't get milk from a hardware store" which I say to remind myself whenever I feel like talking to one of my sisters, they will never give me what I need so we only talk surface stuff and for short times but with contact I automatically search for that love and approval in every conversation and I always end up feeling worse after. Like you do, talk to people who don't make you feel the way your Mother and sister do and go where you are appreciated and validated. You deserve that in life.

[blacksheep7]

A friend in another country posted some meme on Facebook some time ago about Lockdown making you want to speak to anyone, even those you dislike.

I keep getting the urge to contact my sister. Who doesn't speak to me, although does respond to texts and did tell me about our fathers death etc, probably because her husband has refused to tell me anything. I have been told not to contact him, and my niece. So, yeah, trying to talk to them would be really stupid and harmful for me.

I know it is some irrational need, we have never been close, she is years older than me. GC. We had this thing of calling each other frequently in the past but there was never any real closeness, she never understood me, was quite judgemental about my actions.

So, instead, I am reaching out in other directions to keep from picking the scab. Calling ACA people, or old school friends, posting here for some recognition.

It's not that my sister is the PD, we are sure that is our mother, but, sometimes, talking to my sister was like talking to my mother, and other times she sounded like a normal person, but I was never sure who I would get.

How do you cope with these urges? How do you cope with being alone whilst people are still alive?

G

I also that that urge to contact my younger  sister during the confinement but  I did not respond to it as I knew it would have been very deceiving in the end.

She remained in the fog with my two other siblings as well.

They do not want «to go there» Out of the FOG, it's the past and NM is an old widowed woman who needs them.  As long as the Matriach is alive....................

It's bs trying to keep the blinders on.   Once we see, we can not unsee.

I go towards people who appreciate me for who I am, not the scapegoat.

[Gromit]

. I don't think it's irrational, I think it's normal, at least from my perspective I think family is who has been with us since we were little and for years while growing up.

Not irrational perhaps, but insane to expect a different outcome from the one I usually get.

My therapist told me "You can't get milk from a hardware store" which I say to remind myself whenever I feel like talking to one of my sisters, they will never give me what I need so we only talk surface stuff and for short times but with contact I automatically search for that love and approval in every conversation and I always end up feeling worse after. Like you do, talk to people who don't make you feel the way your Mother and sister do and go where you are appreciated and validated. You deserve that in life.

I ❤️That quote from your T.I shall try to keep that in mind.

G

[Sheppane]

hi Gromit
Yes I like that quote too about the hardware store. I identify with this urge, and how strong the pull can be, almost like a drug I find. What I have noticed is often for me the urge is eased with contact,  sometimes no matter the outcome,  but in a dysfunctional way,  as a soothing of guilt or an attempt to get emotional needs met. Which often do not get met.  I find checking my motivation helps,  if I am motivated to contact to meet my needs/ settle the urge or motivated to contact out of a genuine wish to connect with this person.  If it is the first , I try and resist the urge, knowing thats a dysfunctional motivation both for me and the relationship,  if it is genuine I go ahead,  but with a willingness to accept it may not go how I want, like the bread and the hardware store! Hope that helps!