Sibling is now doing the work of my parent

Started by newjuncture, August 11, 2020, 12:06:05 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

newjuncture

I went no contact with my parent over a month ago. My sibling is now sending me  messages first innocently asking 'hey how are you'. Then, my sibling will carry on once I respond dragging out how my parent is worried about me and why am I doing this. I have mentioned before to my sibling that it is not their concern or job to be in the middle of this. The messages comes, and I can immediately see how my mind wanders without clarity. It can really mess with your head. In general, my sibling is a good person and goodhearted, but it is clear that they are being brought into the loop since my parent hasn't had any success in me responding. I'm at the point I want to say simply 'back off' or 'Im not longer going to get involved in these topics' or 'have you just contacted me to point out this every time?' I have never simply told my sibling to back off. What do you say to a person to initially tell them it doesn't concern them and to not get involved. How do you tell someone to back off who is being used as a helper (not a flying monkey)? They know clearly the next several months I am working hard at work and not going to respond to nonsense. But, then they will pull something at times writing 'are you ok' or 'we are worried' as a way to get my attention even though I have made it clear that I'm working hard. Even the simplest message from my sibling 'how are you' sets me off and brings that spiral of thinking in my head whenever it happens. Thank you

notrightinthehead

I can only tell you what my daughter did - when she went NC with her father - she gave me the option to not pass anything she told me about herself on to him and nothing he said on to her or to have very very limited contact with her. If you try to heal from a toxic situation you cannot allow the situation to continue.
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

DistanceNotDefense

Hi newjuncture :) I'm sorry your sibling is doing that. It does seem like a hoovering or flying monkey attempt, and even though it's kind, there's an attempt to control that is not fair to you, when you downright don't want to do what they want you to do, because it isn't good for you!

I was in similar shoes when I went NC with another sibling. Good-hearted and kind, just like yours, but not realizing the pain they dredge up by doing that.

I'm not sure what to do to make them stop...In my case I confronted the sibling. And connected their behavior to the sibling I was NC with. They didn't take it very well, but it called out their behavior and put the ball in their court, so to speak. I said I appreciated the niceness but that their own behavior was carrying out the other sibling's, in a way, and that I didn't want any more of it and I wanted space. Again, their reaction wasn't good, but you might get a different reaction, and in my case the hoovering stopped and I got peace of mind.

Who knows, if you do the same you might get a more understanding response. And even if you don't, at least it will put some end to the crazy mind loop you can get into  :( Hopefully. I got caught into it too and it's no fun!

I hope this all sorts itself out. Take care.  :)

Spring Butterfly

QuoteWhat do you say to a person to initially tell them it doesn't concern them and to not get involved.
I've said things like "I'm sorry uPDm is dragging you into this" and in other situations I've told siblings flat out "let's agree that uPDm and enF is an off limits topic for us" and after that I never heard another word.

Before I landed here I was trying to figure out the abuse. Sibs were always good for dishing about uPDm and enF craziness *until* my eyes were opened and I had something to contribute or needed help figuring out. They told me flat out they didn't want to hear it. All those years I'd listened and now I needed a hearing ear and some empathy and understanding and I got zip. That gave me the backbone and guts to tell them nope not going to discuss it.

In fact when one sib had a friend he needed help with I listened a few times and offered ideas when he asked but told him flat out "listen if you're not here for me when I needed help figuring out uPDm then I don't want to hear anymore about your friend." He completely denied having told me I'm not allowed to talk about uPDm with him.

Things fell apart eventually with sibs and sides were taken, lines drawn. I'm sorry and hope you and your sib can stay connected. It sounds like they don't have good boundaries and can't keep themselves separate from the situation.
Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage — prep beforehand and make time after to heal
blog for healing