Baby steps

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11JB68

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Baby steps
« on: August 13, 2020, 12:15:02 AM »
I'm trying to make small efforts to get ready to leave.
To be honest with myself and all of you, I still feel stuck by FOG and undecided what to do. But doing some stuff makes me feel like I'm that much closer and also prepared when/if I do decide.
Today I filled out my long form financial form and his short form and self employment form (drafts, didn't have all info). I also did a draft of a separation agreement with an outline I found online.

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pushit

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Re: Baby steps
« Reply #1 on: August 13, 2020, 01:40:36 AM »
I think the best thing to do is make sure you have copies of every joint financial account possible stored somewhere.  Bank accounts, retirement accounts, passports, important receipts, kids birth certificates, medical records, school records, property deeds, vehicle titles, vehicle loans, etc.  Also, if you can, remove any personal things from the house you'd be concerned about (eg, Grandmother's heirloom watch, plates, from your parents wedding, etc).

The court forms will take care of themselves during the process.  Both sides are forced to provide information, and your lawyer can contest any misinformation or lack of information.  I had found some forms online and then found out from my lawyer they were the wrong ones, so it was a waste of my time.  Honestly, the court process is extremely cookbook so they will handhold both of you to get all of the proper forms filled out and turned in.  No need to get ahead of that.

As far as being stuck by the FOG, only you can decide if it's time to leave. 


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notrightinthehead

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Re: Baby steps
« Reply #2 on: August 13, 2020, 03:37:28 AM »
You are giving yourself options at the moment. No need to worry about making final decisions. You were stuck and you will have more options in the future. With the knowledge that you don't have to accept everything he does, your self-confidence will increase. You might even change your behaviour and set him some limits, next time he bullies you.
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

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11JB68

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Re: Baby steps
« Reply #3 on: August 13, 2020, 11:31:24 PM »
I already reached out to a friend who may have a small apartment that I could rent fairly inexpensively and very close to work. (In between temporarily staying with friend A and finding my own real place once the finances are resolved). I was really nervous about asking, afraid I was overstepping, etc... She's not a 'close' friend... She hasn't given me an answer yet but wasn't upset that I asked so I feel relieved about that. And if it turns out to be an option that might help me to get closer to making a decision.

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GettingOOTF

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Re: Baby steps
« Reply #4 on: August 13, 2020, 11:44:57 PM »
Thats great.

When I was married my biggest fear was that people at work would find out what was really happening at home and then theyd find out who I really was and Id get fired.

Once I was out of the marriage I saw how wrong I was about that and how many people would have gone out of their way to help me. I dont talk to people at work about my marriage excerpt for HR when I had to get my ex blocked but people have opened up to me and Ive seen how others have gone out of their way to help women in the same situation I was in. I see now they would have been there for me too.

There are so many people out there who wont think anything of being there for others. You are not a burden and you never know what other people have been through to get where they are. There is a lot more understanding and help out there than youd think.

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pushit

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Re: Baby steps
« Reply #5 on: August 15, 2020, 02:35:49 AM »
Just to echo GettingOOTF's post, I was amazed at how people reacted when I got divorced.  In fact, getting divorced was the best litmus test ever for my friendships.

Some people disappeared that I thought were good friends.  Others that I didn't know as well dropped everything and helped me move.  When I told my boss about it (preparing him for a possible crazy phone call) he was awesome.  Lo and behold, six months later he stopped by my office to chat with me.  He walks in and says "how are you doing since your divorce?"  I had been down some but mostly happier, and I figured he was concerned about me.  He ended up disclosing to me that he was miserable, wanted out of his marriage, and was looking for information.  I was floored.  In fact, I had 4-5 heavy conversations with co-workers about marriage, they were all very supportive and 3-4 of them shared a lot of details with me about the unhappiness in their own marriages, or struggles with their parents odd behavior growing up.  I already knew I worked with great people, but having those conversations made me appreciate them all that much more.

I had so many surprises during the months after I left.  One of the most surprising was how many people (that I barely knew) disclosed to me that they thought Mom was off.  I remember walking into my kids' daycare one day to pick them up, and the front desk lady (we were always friendly, but didn't talk too much to each other) remarked how I seemed like a totally different person now, that I never used to talk much before.  I sighed and told her "yeah, I wasn't really allowed to".  She said she was happy to see me being more outgoing, and "yeah, I always felt something was off about Mom".  I told her a little bit about what had happened and ever since that day she has been a buddy, one of those people you know inside that gets what's going on.  Little things like that were the biggest blessing to me in the early days of my divorce.  While I was walking around in the FOG and thinking everyone was against me, every so often I got a little glimpse of the truth that people see through it and they were on my side too.

Please don't be afraid to ask somebody for something, the worst they can do is turn their back on you.  But, the gift there is you now know who you're dealing with and not to expect much from them in the future.