Anger at these unchosen relationships

Started by Duck, August 18, 2020, 01:03:31 PM

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Duck

I was doing pretty well and feeling good. Then, I got a random envelope in the mail from an aunt. It contained a present with no note or card. I knew it was from her because of the address on the envelope.

Now that my grandparents are gone, I thought she and I had settled into a form of NC. I know she talks frequently with my parents. My PDF is her brother. However, she seemed content to talk to them and not me.

This delivery has sent me into a tailspin of emotion. I am angry and annoyed. I don't know that I even understand what I am feeling and why.

I put this post under PD parents because I know a lot of my feelings are about them. This aunt treated me badly when I was younger and is not 100% mentally stable. I am angry my parents do not comprehend why I should never have to deal with her, relative or not. I am angry I have to calculate my response to her knowing how often she talks to my parents, especially PDF. Most of all, I am angry I have these unchosen relationships. I feel put out that they exist without my say-so and that they existed before I was born.

Part of me argues with myself saying these are things outside your control. You can only control your response to them but not whether or not they exist. I know I can't control whether someone sends me an envelope, but my angry side is still angry about it. I want to be cool and calm like some of you. In reality, though, I feel shaken.

Another part of me realizes it is probably healthy to feel this anger. Anger was by far the most taboo emotion for me and I don't like it. I am one of those people who had no emotions for many years.  I think this anger is telling me that I still feel powerless in some respects regarding my FOO. It is the powerlessness that bothers me. It is powerlessness that makes me feel hopeless.

Thank you for listening. I am not sure what my point is or what I am asking. I just needed to say something because I have been bothered for more than a week.

Starboard Song

QuoteI want to be cool and calm like some of you. In reality, though, I feel shaken.

I get it!

We still get mail from my in-laws, with whom we are 5 years NC. I have two unrelated* reactions each time. One the one hand, it is just a piece of mail, and is rarely the only junk mail I have to drop unopened into the trash. On the other hand, their break from reality makes me want to argue and argue and argue!!!

I, personally, like my emotions like I like my icebergs: 90% below the surface.

So I try to process my world at that pragmatic level of, "oh, I guess I need to throw this out." More parallel to you, we have family with whom we talk, and we know they share with the in-laws. That took us a while. But if we are to live thriving lives of joy, we decided we had to set that aside. That we had to set all that vigilance aside. So we don't talk guardedly anymore. We don't worry about what Uncle so-and-so will share, or what they will hear. We pretend to believe it when we think "who cares?"

I encourage you to think, "what is the worst that will happen if I just treat this slightly off old woman like I would any other? What is the worst thing -- pragmatically -- that will happen if I just drop her a friendly line saying thanks in a handful of words?"

I am not dismissing the other side. I do get those tumultuous emotions. I get why it feels unfair. I too have an injustice meter in the redline. But I suspect you'll thrive more -- this is just me talking -- if you can learn to set aside the vigilance and live in and own your moment, pragmatically judging it as a powerful, satisfied woman. Then these occasional notes and packages, a really occasional response, is a simple act of noblesse oblige, and you can get back to your own, new world.

Well, anyway. I see that as an empowering vision.
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

Adrianna

The anger is a normal part of the process once you realize you've been manipulated and emotionally abused. It's ok to feel it and work through it. It's an uncomfortable but in my opinion important part of it. I had a lot of underlying resentment and bitterness which eventually turned into red hot anger. I stayed there for a while and now it's turned to just disgust mostly. Although I absolutely can get triggered and get angry, no doubt. The less contact I have, the better off I am. I would not be able to have full contact with them and stay emotionally stable.

The problem is when you get stuck there at the anger phase and can't move on. I'm not sure if it ever goes away fully, but it does get better. My therapist had said it's ok to feel it. Acknowledge your emotions. Validate your experience. Know your truth.

I can still find myself angry when I think about these unchosen relationships. Especially when I think of others who had loving families growing up. They never had to deal with all this. They had healthy boundaries, healthy self esteem and knew how to validate themselves. These are things it took me decades to learn.
Practice an attitude of gratitude.

Duck



Thank you both for your understanding. I feel like two people. One of me has emotions. That person is relatively new. The other me is a little like Mr. Spock. My therapist says I tend to deal with things by intellectualizing them.

I hope I can become more integrated over time. Meanwhile, I often wonder if I am feeling the "right" feelings or the right intensity of feelings.

So, Mr. Spock me decided to send a written thank you note. My mother texted me saying she spoke to the aunt and the aunt asked if I got the envelope. The aunt also rang my landline twice, once a few minutes before my work shift. I thought OK, by writing I will nip any expectation of talking on the phone in the bud. I also spent a whole lunch hour deciding on a note card because I didn't want the card to be too mushy or encouraging or say things I don't feel.

Spock me always analyzes the emotional me. Am I too angry? Am I not angry enough? Did I just allow too much of my time and energy to be sucked away because of FOG? Why is anger so uncomfortable? What does it mean if it lasts more than a week or day?

Meanwhile, I remember a conversation I had with my mom when I very first started to push back on how our family runs and my dad's abusiveness. All of a sudden, she changed tone and voice and in an intense way said, "I really think you need to be careful not to allow a root of bitterness to grow in your heart." This was said to me as if I was about to throw myself off a cliff and kill myself or steal a million dollars or about to damn myself to hell. "Root of bitterness" is a very evangelical way to shut somebody down.

Anger was simply not allowed growing up. Dad was the only person who could feel or express it. So, now that I am feeling it, it is disorienting and I feel all the judgment of my enM coming down on me. Especially since this incident involves my aunt, who to my mom is the kind of hapless person who deserves all the Christian charity in the world. I know the feelings I am experiencing are forbidden.

Adrianna

#4
You're getting in touch with your authentic self, the one stuffed down all those years because you were taught not to have feelings, or needs, or desires to be treated well or even fairly.

It will feel uncomfortable but that's ok. I'm not sure if you have looked into mindfulness and meditation. It helps to learn to be an observer of your thoughts rather than just the feeler of them. It's a journey and I'm not there yet but I like the idea of acknowledging an emotion, riding it out and knowing that it will pass. All the while trying to figure out why it's there in the first place. What triggered it?

I heard somewhere that with meditation, when thoughts and feelings come over you, and you feel you've had enough of them, picture a river flowing. Take that thought and put it on a little toy boat and watch it float down the river. Away from you. It sounds simple but it's a good visualization to letting go of the attachment we feel to these emotions. They are there for a reason and we should feel them but it's ok to let them go once they no longer serve us and we have worked through them.

In the meantime don't beat yourself up over the fact that you're analyzing your anger. It's new to you to allow yourself to feel it, so it makes sense that you're wondering if you're feeling it "right". Too much, too little, angry too long, etc. The more in touch you get with your feelings the less time you will spend second guessing yourself.

Practice an attitude of gratitude.

Spring Butterfly

Anger was a difficult emotion for me to get in touch with, to see any value in and it actually scared me because I had only ever experienced from others unhealthy forms of anger. Karla McLaren has a blog about the message in anger and how we could use anger and other emotions at their lowest level, pay attention to their message and take action. The message in anger is that a boundary has been violated. Reset yourself and your boundary and the anger would subside.

https://karlamclaren.com/understanding-and-befriending-anger/
Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage — prep beforehand and make time after to heal
blog for healing

tragedy or hope

You get to not like people. You get to keep them as far from you as you wish.
This gift thing was kind of like a covert boundary violation. How can you refuse someone in the family who has chosen "out of the goodness of their heart" to give you something.

This person seems to have not bothered with you for years. Suddenly giving you something seems questionable. I would feel like you. I used to get phone calls from a relative like clockwork in the spring summer which I never answered.

They used to do this to my parents when they were alive, to come vacation. It was not to see my parents... It was to enjoy the sun in the state we lived in. When my parents passed, the same relative began leaving ME messages. NEVER writing a letter or note. Never any upfront information in the message. I did not return the calls. Why?  I did not want to communicate. 


I am fine with that. Self-preservation is worth whatever. They are adults. I am not required to take care of their feelings. If they cared, as this aunt seems to have not cared for such a long time,  you would have heard from her.

My hunch... something is up. It could be just curiosity about you and your life. Stick to your instincts. Say as little to her as possible No one "needs" to understand you.

Sounds like mom may be guilting you. She is kind of stuck in the middle. You do not have to communicate with ANYONE you do not wish to... you are an adult.

Don't let relatives make you feel like a child again. That could make you feel "sick" as when you were growing up.

Your life belongs to you. Others do not get to meddle, guilt you, or be a part of your life if you do not wish it to be so.

A simple thank you note... " thank you for thinking of me," is enough. Saying  more will begin to create a web for you. Not purposing to be unkind, but kind of "medium chill" until they get bored with disconnected responses.

Because you do not want contact does not mean you cannot or have not forgiven. It just means you are not carrying the burden of pain inflicted on you by someone you do not want in your life.

You have all the power here if you can rethink it according to your own values and not that of others. It's okay to stay away from relatives. Sometimes it can be the best thing. You decide, don't let her force her way into your life if you do not want it.
"When people show you who they are, believe them."
~Maya Angelou

Believe it the first time, or you will spend the rest of your life in disbelief of what they can/will do; to you. T/H

Family systems are like spider webs. It takes years to get untangled from them.  T/H

Duck

You are all very wise. I am so grateful for this forum.

Adrianna - I like this idea of mindfulness - that it allows both the emotion and observation of the emotion. I also love the idea of visualizing a little boat carrying emotions away after they have delivered their message.

Spring Butterfly - I will definitely check this out.

tragedy or hope - "Saying more will begin to create a web for you." Along with the web in your signature, I appreciate this imagery.

"Because you do not want contact does not mean you cannot or have not forgiven." Thank you for this. The religious programming I received growing up was very big on forgiveness, but I don't think anyone actually understood what forgiveness is.

I talked to my therapist yesterday about how the older generation in my family does not behave like adults. The reality is what you say, tragedy or hope - that they are adults and I am not responsible for their feelings and I am an adult and allowed to make my own choices - but they often act as if they are little children and if I don't baby them, they will not be able to withstand it and they will fall apart. This aunt is very much like this. She was the Lost Child in her dysfunctional family. She is soooo sensitive and her bids  for attention revolve around how nice and generous she is.