Took another step today

Jsinjin · August 14, 2020, 06:17:58 PM

I was fortunate to be able to take on a hidden set of extra work consulting and I am hiding the money. It's enough to work to finish the little cottage I've been trying to deal with. But there is a town in the mountains I've loved since I was a kid. It's in another state and far from here. It's kind of an old west mining town. I put a down payment on a building that came up.for sale there. It has retain in the bottom and a tenant there but upstairs it has an apartment. I can actually do something for me. I'm sure she will find out because she digs through everything.

Poison Ivy · August 14, 2020, 06:39:40 PM

Good for you. Prepare what you'll say and do when she finds out and keep moving in this positive direction.

pushit · August 14, 2020, 11:50:57 PM

Good for you, buddy. If/when she finds out, don't get trapped into JADE and a circular conversation. My suggestion would be to keep it simple. "I made that extra money myself and put it toward something I wanted". Based on my experience, my exPDw would have felt 100% justified in keeping any side money she made to herself while demanding that any side money I made was "ours", really meaning "hers". Don't give in to it.

Jsinjin · August 15, 2020, 08:41:42 AM

Thanks all. I've learned (through this website) that she doesn't care about the money or the things or anything like that. What she cares about, and it's a total fear thing, is control. Money to normal people is something you manage. Money to her is something you absolutely fear but it's also driven by an even bigger and much greater fear of loss of control and making a wrong decision.

An example is our primary home: we bought the land then had an architect design it and then after the construction loan was done I wanted to pay it off because I hate hassles. She was afraid and petrified of not doing the right thing and no decision was ever made. She literally was reading things on bizarre financial.websites about why it is good to have a mortgage. I finally learned what she is afraid of is any change brought about by a decision. And that fear leads her to react in her loud very violent ways.

It's Saad but over the last 5 years if therapy, problems, work, prayer, hope and wanting to make things work I've absolutely realized that she will always choose this fear and anger over me.l and my health and mental and emotional well being.

Poison Ivy · August 15, 2020, 09:06:51 AM

My ex had and probably still has a pathological fear of decision-making and of separating from his parents. He didn't tell his parents we were living together he didn't propose to me, he wanted to have the type of wedding his sister had had, he fell into a deep funk after our first year of marriage when it was his decision whether to take a job in a different state, he wouldn't apply for jobs when he was unemployed. Those are just some of the most significant examples. It was very stressful for me.

pushit · August 15, 2020, 10:20:18 AM

Jsinjin - Agreed that it's not about the money, it's really about control. When your wife finds out there will be an intense reaction because you did something she couldn't control. I'm sure you already know that though.

My exPDw is the same way about money. We made good money, had solid net worth, but our finances were a mess. Years of trying to get her to make wise investments, even when sitting down with a financial advisor who agreed with my strategies did nothing to change it. We lost out on tens of thousands of potential stock market gains because she wouldn't allow anything that returned more than the rate of inflation, it was always "too risky". It's ironic that their need for control actually leads to very poor decision making, and making themselves worse off.

SparkStillLit · August 16, 2020, 02:25:53 PM

Same, same, same. Fear of doing the wrong thing, of making a decision, of making a financial move, of applying for jobs.
Wash, rinse, repeat.

notrightinthehead · August 17, 2020, 05:03:13 AM

Not sure I understand - will that acquisition of a place in a remote, far away area delay the progress on the cottage you renovate? Was it an either or decision?

Jsinjin · August 17, 2020, 07:36:13 AM

Nope it's a both decision. It's an empowering decision for me! I have actually been working overtime on lil house and it's super duper close. Inspections have fewer and fewer screw ups, I'm able to access funds because of some secret consulting I've been doing that I've been hiding from her and this other part has been my dream since I was a boy.

I've collected articles and had a notebook about having a place near skiing and trout fishing and the Rockies since I was about 8. She doesn't like this, dislikes anything away from the local environment because she can't monitor things and when we do go away she is nervous and always concerned about anything but having a good relaxing peaceful time.

I would love to have shared something like this with my spouse, built something together, worked with whomever she is and enjoyed the hobby of working on it, being outdoors, and being completely unknown to the locals.

I am able completely to disconnect and work somewhere else. The kids are all in high school or college and I can totally do my job from a building in a Colorado downtown. If I wanted to spend three months there every summer I could do it.

As far as the little cottage goes, I'll finish it, it's close and I'll.move there but unlike her, I have no ties to the metroplex I live in and I'd love to just move and not really even look back.