Lying MIL

[Jesse7319]

Hey all,

I'm not really sure what I'm looking for in posting this but I need to vent my experience. My MIL is NPD, she's pretty much intolerable for me. My H had been NC with her for a few months and then decided to go LC, he was LC for a month or so and now as of the last week he has been full contact, texting and calls every day or every other day, and he has seemed much happier than he did when he was NC. He has decided as of late that he is just going to ignore her inappropriate behavior, let her lie and manipulate and try to guilt trip, he was just going to be unaffected. It seems to be working for him, somehow, but it isn't working for me. I am NC and only speak to her if my H is FT with her and she says hi to me. Anyway, on Wednesday she FT my H and said her sister and her want to meet at H and I's house to see each other and our 15 month old (our place is sort of in the middle of them, it's an 8 hour drive for MIL) and H said ok and looked at me and I said sure whatever, so she said she is going to talk to her sister and get back with us about for sure plans. 2 days go by and we don't hear anything and they are supposed to come tomorrow, H decides to text his cousin and find out if his mom (MIL's sister) is coming because he didn't want to bring it up to his mom (not sure why). We didn't hear right back from his cousin so my H called MIL and asked if she was coming. She gave a huge story about her sister not wanting to come, said she is having a hard time with work and she's going on vacation and all this stuff but long story short her sister doesn't want to come so she said she might just come herself and see if her husband can get the day off too and bring him but she won't know that until this evening so we were waiting to hear for sure plans still. Fast forward to this evening and she calls my H clearly irritated at him, talking really fast she says someone told my sister she was coming to your house and now she's coming I don't know how that got across to her but she said you brought it up and my H tried apologizing (for what idk he didn't so anything..) and then she said well anyway my sister does want to come and she is coming now and so I'm coming too we'll be there around 11. They hung up.. I said to my H wait a minute, can you please call your cousin and see if he talked to his mom about coming. H's cousin said he did talk to his mom earlier in the day and she said she was still waiting on MIL to call her about coming. So MIL lied to my husband and I when she said her sister didn't want to come, she never even called her. So I flipped out, I told my H I am not going to be around her if she thinks it's ok to lie and play mind games like that and I don't want someone like that around my son. So H got pissed at me about always being put in the middle and called MIL and told her I was uncomfortable with her coming so she can't come, MIL proceeded to tell him that his dad did get the day off work and he is going to be really upset (although 20 min before she still didn't know if her husband had the day off yet or not). So I am feeling bad because I think my H is upset they aren't coming, he doesn't want to talk to me about it. I just feel like she is playing mind games and hasn't been honest about any of the planning of this trip and it's driving me nuts and I really don't want her around my son because she is NPD. I don't want her around me. Every time she comes up there is drama and my H is convinced it's me causing the drama. He sees no flaws in what happened today.

[Rose1]

He's probably used to it. Might be using you as a buffer. Why don't they get a hotel and your h can stay there for the night when they eventually turn up so they don't disturb you, take the day off and spend it with his parents? He might start to see it.

[nanotech]

my sister would do this, and my mum when she was alive.
I didn't see it for a long time. It's that thing called cognitive dissonance. It makes you deny what's right in your face.
Your hubby wants to duck any uncomfortable feelings about his mom's actions , so he pretends there's no problem.
In the past other family members of his would do the same. But he's married now to you, and you are not in that enmeshed mess, and you are pointing at the problem. That's why you are unfairly blamed. You are the messenger of the truth that he doesn't want to hear or see.
The best thing you can do imo I'd to not take  on that blame.
Don't feel bad, and don't feel guilty. Just smile and carry on with your life.
Don't allow her drama to grow.  Then eventually, he will have look at the problem himself.

[H_Allison]

Hello- late to the game on this thread, but I wanted to chime in because of how familiar this felt to many of my own situations.

Sounds like our MILs are cut from much of the same cloth. It's a control thing really with these visits. She was triangulating people of sorts, and you cut through the BS (even though accidentally). If your MIL is like mine- she always has ulterior motives to everything- that she thinks she expertly disguises. I've gotten good at pulling out the motivation which I think helps to thwart any manipulation tactics on her end.

In this case, I think that MIL needed an excuse to obligate you to agreeing to a visit (your aunt being the pawn here), but she didn't actually want to have to do the whole song and dance of acting civilized/doting on DC. Plus, she didn't want witnesses to the alternate reality she might want to concoct in a future smear campaign. Once you agreed to the visit, she didn't ever involve aunt and sprung the change in plans on you last minute to play into guilt and obligation to get what she ultimately wanted. The catch here is that you caught her, exposing her manipulation and thereby obligating her to follow through on her original proposal. I commend you for taking a step further by calling the whole thing off, especially after her reaction to being caught.

These situations used to really trip me up because I would feel like my only option was to do exactly what I was accusing MIL of doing- changing the plans at the last minute for no other reason than to manipulate. I mean you agreed to let her visit on these dates, why would it make a difference if she were coming with a guest or not. If the guest can't come you're telling her that she can't come? That's what MIL is playing in to. And bet your bottom dollar that this is exactly what she is saying to DH- 'your wife agreed to me visiting so as long as I am still visiting within the timeframe that she agreed to, I should still be able to come. She's being mean/manipulating.' Here's the catch though- you agreed to the original plan with underlying, unspoken conditions (that normal people have no problem understanding): you were not going to be manipulated or lied to and that you would be treated with respect. MIL violated the terms of the original agreement when she showed her dirty hand.

Here's a trick that helped me in these situations (it also gave DH clear, rational evaluation criteria to illuminate MIL's behavior). Whenever you agree to anything with MIL, lay out all the (normally) unspoken conditions.
To use you example:
I will visit with MIL on these dates so long as
1. Her plans are communicated within [## hours/days] of the start of the visit.
2. She does not at any point lie or misrepresent the plans or decision making process
3. She is bringing Aunt (or whoever) buffer person along with her (or no one if you don't want the performance)
4. She stays at a hotel
5. She remains respectful and courteous throughout the visit
6. ... Whatever else you want to add here.

We even got to the point where DH was almost communicating these conditions verbatim to MIL to make sure everyone was well aware of the rules and there was no room for 'misunderstanding'. MIL will have a hard time arguing with these conditions as any reasonable person would laugh with how obvious they are. Hell- have her send her own list of conditions over to make sure that you consent to them! As soon as one of your conditions are violated, the agreement is null and void and the visit is off the table.

Hopefully that helps- it was amazing to see it in action when I gave birth to DD. MIL couldn't quite manage to play by the rules so she didn't see DD until she was over a month old. No one felt sorry for her though because she did it to herself.

[nanotech]

They must remain polite and respectful- wow yes.
My dad needs to follow all of these conditions, but especially that one!
Thank you. I knew this. But I didn't? 

One time my dad was fine talking to me for a whole hour. We were having a lovely chat, then in a quiet tone a barb came.
He was really rude about someone famous whom I love, who had just passed on. It was very subtle, but deadly.
It's the words they use, but especially the tone. His tone was suddenly cruel.
So quiet, so unexpected.
It isn't always a huge shout and a rant.
It's that reminder that the can get like that if they want to. Any time they want to. 

For me it's a reminder for myself not to fall for the warm fuzzy stuff, because that's so they  can get close enough to jab in the barb. They can turn on us in a heartbeat.

[Entj]

"He sees no flaws in what happened today" - because he grew up like that and that's what normal looks like to him. 

I'm very sorry you went through that. It sounds very stressful.