Getting started, sorry for the long start.

[WantingBetter]

I'm not sure how to introduce myself or get started but here it goes. So, I've heard it from multiple people in my life but they've all been family and I feel they are biased so I'm hoping to get some insight from people I don't know that have been through something similar. Or maybe I'm just trying to delay taking the step I need to take because it's scary, but I'd love some insight on either possiblity. So I don't know the abbreviations yet but I'm here because my XBF is a PD and we have a son together and my daughter has only known him in her life so far but she's not his biologically. We have been split up since the day after mother's day this year after 2 years together and I left with the kids. I have 100% legal and physical custody of both, he's not legitimized yet. I still let him visit the kids, went out of my way and broke myself to make sure they would keep in contact, frequently because our son isn't a year old yet, daughter 4, and everything I read online says that infants and young kids need frequent contact with both parents. However, he always calls me names, yells, throws fits, says how I'm the worst thing to walk the Earth when everything doesn't go his way. He's even gone as far to say that he doesn't care about what's best for the kids he just wants it on legal paper what time he gets and threatened to stop being my daughter's dad, which would be all my fault, if I didn't come back with the kids. I ended up moving back into his mom's house after a month and a half of going back and forth with him. No help from him except gas money occasionally, but it came with driving him around town everywhere if he gave me gas money because he has no car or license. So it's been another month and a half since I moved back in, still not together just living in the same house, and it's not changed at all. Still constant fighting, yelling in front of the kids, name calling, everything is my fault and he did nothing. I'm attempting to save money to move but I pay for everything, daycare, bills, diapers, wipes, food, so as soon as I get my check it's gone. He had to help with daycare for 2 weeks and was exasperated about me not having the money, that if I hadn't left to begin with that I'd have money. I have the opportunity to leave again and move in with my mom and her husband until I get on my feet again, but that would mean he couldn't see the kids very often because of the distance. He basically refuses and scoffs at the thought of a video call, so to him that's not an option. Tonight we just got in a huge fight because I only clean up after myself and the kids at his mom's house. Which isn't totally true I do clean some other things, but yes for the most part I clean my mess and leave the messes I didn't make to them. He said how selfish I am because his mother didn't have to let me live here and she didn't want me here to begin with and since I can't afford to go anywhere else right now I have to clean other people's mess. Me and his mother have an agreement that I manage myself and the kids and make sure it looks like we don't live there and we're good. She has no issue with me taking care of us. I have cleared that with her on multiple occasions. So tonight I washed my dishes and started going back to my room with the kids and he goes in on how he can't believe I only clean up after myself and so on you can imagine I'm sure. I tell him that I've discussed everything with his mom and she doesn't have an issue so I'm doing what we worked out. He blows up and demands I do more around the house or else I need to "get my bills taken care of so I can save up to move out". He has the ability to pay bills but doesn't, he lives there rent free, and it's not his house, but since I'm not making him happy he's trying to tell me I have to leave. So sorry for the long back story and finally to my dilemma. Should I move with my mom to get on my feet even though he won't be able to see them very often? Of course he says I'm the devil and trying to tear the family apart if I leave, especially again, but the living environment is terrible for all involved, I'm getting nowhere because he doesn't help, and legally I can take them, but am I wrong for it? He's mentally and emotionally abusive, gets upset with my daughter when he's mad at me, he's untreated schizophrenic which has gotten worse to deal with as time goes on (he's put spyware on my phone to track me and get my messages and phone calls, put cameras up around the house to watch me, etc), and I have to ask him to watch our son, he never comes to just spend time with him, he only pops his head in the room to say hi or hold him for 5 minutes and then leaves again. We LIVE together and he sees the kids for maybe 20 minutes a day if I don't ask him to watch them so I can shower. I still have all the responsibility. I've talked to a few lawyers and they have told me I'm better off raising the kids alone and just kicking him out of the picture because it won't change, and my family tells me the same thing, but something feels off about running away with the kids even though I legally can. He's been the same way for 2 and a half years, I keep hoping we can figure it out and he'll change but have I just been hanging on too long because I think the kids need a dad and I need to go, or do I work something out with him with the courts? I want what is best for the kids, but I feel like either way they will get hurt, which way is less hurt?

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

I am sorry to hear about what you are experiencing.

Abusers are all about power and control.

Your partner seems to be driving you away by his behaviour and not helping you. Then he will blame you. It's the Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse where the abuser turns everything around to become the victim, so be aware of that.

Whatever you do would seem wrong to him. You cannot do anything right. Even if you cleared up everything he would still find issues which would not be right for him. There would always be something wrong. But there will always be something wrong with him, not you. He is projecting all his issues onto you rather than confronting and addressing what he is upset about himself. He has little insight into his own behaviour and thinking.

You need to trust your gut, not your head or your heart. Your gut doesn't lie.

Do you feel safe? Are your children in danger? If they are then you know what to do.

You may find the talks by the author and counsellor Kris Godinez of help to you. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and how targets of abuse can cope better. Her YouTube channel is called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez". She gives live talks most Sundays and her previous talks are also available to watch on her YouTube channel.

Another person I like to watch on YouTube is Doctor Ramani. She talks about narcissism. I have found her talks very helpful as well.

Keep strong. Keep calm. Keep posting.

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group wanting better-

you are not alone.  my heart is with you as you make that difficult choice to continue to let your ex have access to the kids by living with his mother/him or moving back with your own parents.

it sounds like you have done as much as humanly possible to allow him to be a part of their lives- yet he still acts like the children are an intrusion  on his life *when they are living in the same house as him*.  i would let that guide my conscience moving forward if i was in the same position.  my only concern for you is that if he does press for visitation if you move, what the custody drop offs would be like as far as distance on you because it sounds like you'd still be doing the lion's share of the effort to be in compliance with an order.

here the two areas of the forum that may be the best resource for you right now

Separating and Divorcing


Co-parenting and Secondary Relationships


custody situations very similar to what you are going through come up in both boards, and i hope you can find the shared understanding and advice helpful as you decide what your next steps are.

thinking of you- please be gentle as you explore the options.  you've taken a big step and don't let all the lingo and factual information overwhelm you as you keep moving forward to a more peaceful live for you and the kiddos.

hope to see you on the boards soon-

[WantingBetter]

Thank you. I will definitely be getting on YouTube later to check that out and those two forums sound like where I need to be. It's good to hear I'm not as crazy as I feel right about now. It's to the point anymore where I'm never sure if I'm really allowed to be upset by something he does, he's so good at arguing that he turns all my, what I feel are valid concerns or feelings, into something flawed or off with me, so I'm honestly never sure anymore. Thank you for the resources so far. I appreciate them.