Dad not interested AT ALL in grandkids

[p123]

Absolutely zero. Seems to see them as a "hindrance".
He asks how they are but it just sounds so false - as if he knows he should ask but hes not really interested.

In the past, hes moaned when I've visited him with my 7 year old. Reason - "Well I've got a lot to sort out with you". In reality, she sits in the corner, good as gold on her tab and doesnt cause any problems.

I've started not to take her with me (in the past I had no choice because wife was working at the weekend). I visit weekday evenings now - easier since working from home, so go alone. Been doing this a few months now. Not ONCE has he asked to see his grandkids or anything.

Its obvious they are MY kids and not his grandkids at all and are just a hindrance to him getting 100% access to my time.
I'm guessing this is pretty normal? Dad is just SO wrapped up with how ill he is, and how he needs me to do XYZ that there just seems to be no time in his life for them.

My wife hates him for it that hes so dismissive of his own grandkids. And I can't say I blame her to be honest.
Surely, old age is all about your grandchildren? Not my Dad thats for sure.

[Call Me Cordelia]

It's better for your kids to have nothing to do with that guy! My parents were not that extreme but they were NOT interested. It's damaging when someone who is supposed to love you just doesn't. And complaining about your daughter's presence? Seriously seriously NO. I was also an ignored granddaughter, brought my toys and played in the corner. It further tore down my self-esteem for sure. It taught me I was not worthy of attention let alone love.

[Adrianna]

It's not unusual. My father barely spent any time at all with my son growing up. Not interested.

Today when I ask my son, who is now an adult, if my father has reached out to him he says:

"No, why, what does he need?"

My father only reaches out to him when he needs something done, like moving an air conditioner.

Occasionally he will ask me how he's doing, but you can see there's no genuine interest there, just a mild curiosity. Like he feels like he should ask once in a while, to appear actually human. Same with me. He really has no concern for how I am doing and rarely asks.

My mother in law, who went to school with my father, has been continually confused and frustrated over my father's lack of interest in his only grandchild. She just doesn't fully accept the fact that my father doesn't care about ANYONE. It's not personal to my son. She remembers when my son graduated high school. We had a small party at her house. She and my Father in law are wonderful grandparents by the way, and very involved with my son. She was absolutely astounded when at the party my father had no clue about what my son was going to be pursuing in college, what his interests were, etc. I think she even said to him "you don't know anything about him, do you?" Truth is he just doesn't care. Didn't care about me either so it was easier to accept once I realized that.

Keep your daughter away from him as much as possible. Nothing good will come of it for her to be around someone who she knows is supposed to love her but barely acknowledges her existence.

[nanotech]

Same same same.
Interestingly, a lot more interest was shown by both parents in my UNPDGCbrother's stepson, their step grandson, whose they had for sleepovers and babysat incessantly. They never had any of my three kids over for sleepovers.
They used to cite a lack of space when my younger sibs still lived at home. 
No thought of getting a little put- me-up bed or asking teenage sibs to stay at a friend's for one night.

Then, when my youngest was the right age for granny sleepovers, they had bags of room. They never offered and I didn't ask tbh. It was like you couldn't broach it.
But she would ask me. She would see her friends  going to their grandparents for the night or even the weekend.
She was also a good as gold child. 7 or 8 by the time she asked,and so well behaved and quiet. Did they not want it? So odd to me, that they didn't.

Okay, maybe that's just how they are, I said to myself.

Then along comes golden child with his new girlfriend and her son. My parents  were all over it. So desperate to were they to please him that literally overnight ( pardon the pun) they changed their whole outlook on grandchildren.
Sleepover after sleepover. Day out after day out.
My daughter noticed it. I had no idea what to tell her.

I guess wasn't actually for the child. It was for the golden child, who was by now in his late thirties and still unmarried. They were anxious for this relationship to work.It served them for it to work.

So, there's always got to be something in it for them

My step -nephew is lovely, by the way, in his early 20s now and now, he's pretty much ignored by my dad, having had some rocky teen years with my UNPD GCbrother. I certainly wouldn't want him for a stepdad. 

[Adrianna]

Nano your daughter sounds like a sweetheart. Sad that she had to witness that from them but good that she has you to remind her that there's nothing wrong with her. There's something wrong with them.

My son never slept at my parents house, not once. Was never invited. He spent many many, nights at my in-laws though. They were always more than happy to have him over.

[p123]

Yeh Dad asks about the kids but he does it every single phone call. Sort of like a duty. I can tell he pretty much doesn't care.

My wife would rather I didnt take her to see him either to be honest. Shes got a great relationship with her gran (wifes mother) but grampy none at all. She often lists the people she loves (shes 7). Mum, Dad, her brother, nanna, the cats - no mention ever of her grandfather. Its his fault of course.

I well remember when my wife was pregnant. She was 41 at the time. We've got a teenager 10 years older than his little sister. We sat down and told Dad. His reaction "What? How did that happen? What on earth is wrong with the pair of you? You're too old. And babies cost money".

Should have seen my wifes face.. He then made it worse by saying "so was it planned?".

OMG it was awfull...

Years later I realised he was so annoyed because here was another family member that was going to take MY time away from him.

[nanotech]

It's dreadful. I've been there with the muted reactions.
They want all of the attention either to be on them or on the golden child.
Dad also doesn't like news that might seem to diminish goldenchild brother in some way.
I've also had comments from GCbrother following news about my expected grandchildren, lamenting the reduction in inheritance money. (My mum insisted on a grandchild/ great grandchild clause in the will. The PDs think that should apply only to THEIR children and grandchildren; not those who don't play the dysfunctional games and are therefore scapegoated. But,of course, the law doesn't discriminate )
If any of my kids might be earning more than him, then that would be looked upon as an attack by dad, on GCbrother.
GC brother is just the same.
Few years back I posted a pic of my  new car on FB one time. It was a pretty old model, with a fair amount of miles, but we took it to our mechanic, and he said I'd got a good deal. So I posted a pic!
I was just happy to get some wheels as I'd been without for a few weeks.

Next minute, a comment from UNPDGCBrother appeared. He didn't often comment on my Facebook page, so it was odd to get an immediate reaction like that.
GC brother had commented a sarcastic ' thanks for that.'
'What?' I asked
It transpired that it was the same car he'd had when he was with his previous fiancé. They both had one. They split  up.
He acted as if the sole reason of the post, was to upset him.
I hadn't even known what he was driving  then. He never came to see me. I'm not big on car types at all.
I  only saw his fiancé about three times at my parents house mostly. She was quite nice though we did wonder about something else. She ending up leaving him (for a woman).
Well done her! ( I'm not sure if he ever found out about the woman)

People from a non PD family don't get it.
PS My dad does the 'duty ask' as well concerning my kids and grandkids,then he's clearly not interested in the answer, unless it's something he can show off about or it's something negative.

[Poison Ivy]

My late father-in-law was not interested in his grandchildren, except as sources of homage to him, which they did not provide. He would complain about them not talking to him and not asking him questions. But it was pretty clear that he was not interested in them and that he was a bully, so I was not surprised that grandpa and granchildren did not have close relationships. Before I went VLC with him about 10 years ago, things were similar for me, except that I did show interest in his life, talk to him, and ask questions. What I got back was bullying.

My late mother-in-law was a very kind person and was interested in the grandchildren. It was somewhat hard to chat with her, even before she developed Alzheimer's disease, because she would change topics often and abruptly and she wasn't very bright. But she sure loved the grandchildren.

My father was quiet but didn't put many demands, relationship wise, on the grandkids. My mom does, in the sense that she lets me and my siblings know when she hasn't received thank-you cards or that she'd like the grandchildren to visit, but she also shows a lot of interest in them. 

[p123]

It's dreadful. I've been there with the muted reactions.
They want all of the attention either to be on them or on the golden child.
Dad also doesn't like news that might seem to diminish goldenchild brother in some way.
I've also had comments from GCbrother following news about my expected grandchildren, lamenting the reduction in inheritance money. (My mum insisted on a grandchild/ great grandchild clause in the will. The PDs think that should apply only to THEIR children and grandchildren; not those who don't play the dysfunctional games and are therefore scapegoated. But,of course, the law doesn't discriminate )
If any of my kids might be earning more than him, then that would be looked upon as an attack by dad, on GCbrother.
GC brother is just the same.
Few years back I posted a pic of my  new car on FB one time. It was a pretty old model, with a fair amount of miles, but we took it to our mechanic, and he said I'd got a good deal. So I posted a pic!
I was just happy to get some wheels as I'd been without for a few weeks.

Next minute, a comment from UNPDGCBrother appeared. He didn't often comment on my Facebook page, so it was odd to get an immediate reaction like that.
GC brother had commented a sarcastic ' thanks for that.'
'What?' I asked
It transpired that it was the same car he'd had when he was with his previous fiancé. They both had one. They split  up.
He acted as if the sole reason of the post, was to upset him.
I hadn't even known what he was driving  then. He never came to see me. I'm not big on car types at all.
I  only saw his fiancé about three times at my parents house mostly. She was quite nice though we did wonder about something else. She ending up leaving him (for a woman).
Well done her! ( I'm not sure if he ever found out about the woman)

People from a non PD family don't get it.
PS My dad does the 'duty ask' as well concerning my kids and grandkids,then he's clearly not interested in the answer, unless it's something he can show off about or it's something negative.

thats nuts. are you forever banned from a car he used to have? What about the same colour lol?

[nanotech]

It's dreadful. I've been there with the muted reactions.
They want all of the attention either to be on them or on the golden child.
Dad also doesn't like news that might seem to diminish goldenchild brother in some way.
I've also had comments from GCbrother following news about my expected grandchildren, lamenting the reduction in inheritance money. (My mum insisted on a grandchild/ great grandchild clause in the will. The PDs think that should apply only to THEIR children and grandchildren; not those who don't play the dysfunctional games and are therefore scapegoated. But,of course, the law doesn't discriminate )
If any of my kids might be earning more than him, then that would be looked upon as an attack by dad, on GCbrother.
GC brother is just the same.
Few years back I posted a pic of my  new car on FB one time. It was a pretty old model, with a fair amount of miles, but we took it to our mechanic, and he said I'd got a good deal. So I posted a pic!
I was just happy to get some wheels as I'd been without for a few weeks.

Next minute, a comment from UNPDGCBrother appeared. He didn't often comment on my Facebook page, so it was odd to get an immediate reaction like that.
GC brother had commented a sarcastic ' thanks for that.'
'What?' I asked
It transpired that it was the same car he'd had when he was with his previous fiancé. They both had one. They split  up.
He acted as if the sole reason of the post, was to upset him.
I hadn't even known what he was driving  then. He never came to see me. I'm not big on car types at all.
I  only saw his fiancé about three times at my parents house mostly. She was quite nice though we did wonder about something else. She ending up leaving him (for a woman).
Well done her! ( I'm not sure if he ever found out about the woman)

People from a non PD family don't get it.
PS My dad does the 'duty ask' as well concerning my kids and grandkids,then he's clearly not interested in the answer, unless it's something he can show off about or it's something negative.

thats nuts. are you forever banned from a car he used to have? What about the same colour lol?
[/quote)


I couldn't believe it either. Thanks for the validation. At the time I saw it I was still in the fog.I tried to laugh it off but I was left with this uneasy feeling. I know now that it was gaslighting.
He's been raised to feel very entitled. The psychologist s write how in a dysfunctional family, all  members are expected to walk on eggshells around the golden child, and to serve him/ her.
For a long time after I came Out of the FOG I still humoured him when he gave me passive aggressive treatment. Then I realised that being non -reactive and medium chilled wasn't enough. It kept me safer but  I was still dancing the insane dance.
By keeping in touch and accepting his abuse(ghosting, gaslighting, shaming,and  discards) I was enabling him.
I had to go non contact.
He no longer sees what I post on social media.

[p123]

It's dreadful. I've been there with the muted reactions.
They want all of the attention either to be on them or on the golden child.
Dad also doesn't like news that might seem to diminish goldenchild brother in some way.
I've also had comments from GCbrother following news about my expected grandchildren, lamenting the reduction in inheritance money. (My mum insisted on a grandchild/ great grandchild clause in the will. The PDs think that should apply only to THEIR children and grandchildren; not those who don't play the dysfunctional games and are therefore scapegoated. But,of course, the law doesn't discriminate )
If any of my kids might be earning more than him, then that would be looked upon as an attack by dad, on GCbrother.
GC brother is just the same.
Few years back I posted a pic of my  new car on FB one time. It was a pretty old model, with a fair amount of miles, but we took it to our mechanic, and he said I'd got a good deal. So I posted a pic!
I was just happy to get some wheels as I'd been without for a few weeks.

Next minute, a comment from UNPDGCBrother appeared. He didn't often comment on my Facebook page, so it was odd to get an immediate reaction like that.
GC brother had commented a sarcastic ' thanks for that.'
'What?' I asked
It transpired that it was the same car he'd had when he was with his previous fiancé. They both had one. They split  up.
He acted as if the sole reason of the post, was to upset him.
I hadn't even known what he was driving  then. He never came to see me. I'm not big on car types at all.
I  only saw his fiancé about three times at my parents house mostly. She was quite nice though we did wonder about something else. She ending up leaving him (for a woman).
Well done her! ( I'm not sure if he ever found out about the woman)

People from a non PD family don't get it.
PS My dad does the 'duty ask' as well concerning my kids and grandkids,then he's clearly not interested in the answer, unless it's something he can show off about or it's something negative.

thats nuts. are you forever banned from a car he used to have? What about the same colour lol?
[/quote)


I couldn't believe it either. Thanks for the validation. At the time I saw it I was still in the fog.I tried to laugh it off but I was left with this uneasy feeling. I know now that it was gaslighting.
He's been raised to feel very entitled. The psychologist s write how in a dysfunctional family, all  members are expected to walk on eggshells around the golden child, and to serve him/ her.
For a long time after I came Out of the FOG I still humoured him when he gave me passive aggressive treatment. Then I realised that being non -reactive and medium chilled wasn't enough. It kept me safer but  I was still dancing the insane dance.
By keeping in touch and accepting his abuse(ghosting, gaslighting, shaming,and  discards) I was enabling him.
I had to go non contact.
He no longer sees what I post on social media.

Same with my brother. I blocked him on facebook too. I dont want him knowing about my life and, to be honest, dont want him in my life. Good for you....

[p123]

My late father-in-law was not interested in his grandchildren, except as sources of homage to him, which they did not provide. He would complain about them not talking to him and not asking him questions. But it was pretty clear that he was not interested in them and that he was a bully, so I was not surprised that grandpa and granchildren did not have close relationships. Before I went VLC with him about 10 years ago, things were similar for me, except that I did show interest in his life, talk to him, and ask questions. What I got back was bullying.

My late mother-in-law was a very kind person and was interested in the grandchildren. It was somewhat hard to chat with her, even before she developed Alzheimer's disease, because she would change topics often and abruptly and she wasn't very bright. But she sure loved the grandchildren.

My father was quiet but didn't put many demands, relationship wise, on the grandkids. My mom does, in the sense that she lets me and my siblings know when she hasn't received thank-you cards or that she'd like the grandchildren to visit, but she also shows a lot of interest in them.

Yeh its just so sad that he is not even the slightest bit interested...... Hes going to die in the future and to be honest, the grandkids wont be that bothered. Why should they? Hes just an old man that happens to be their Dad father. I've said before though - Im  not even sure I will be sad.

[nanotech]

My late father-in-law was not interested in his grandchildren, except as sources of homage to him, which they did not provide. He would complain about them not talking to him and not asking him questions. But it was pretty clear that he was not interested in them and that he was a bully, so I was not surprised that grandpa and granchildren did not have close relationships. Before I went VLC with him about 10 years ago, things were similar for me, except that I did show interest in his life, talk to him, and ask questions. What I got back was bullying.

My late mother-in-law was a very kind person and was interested in the grandchildren. It was somewhat hard to chat with her, even before she developed Alzheimer's disease, because she would change topics often and abruptly and she wasn't very bright. But she sure loved the grandchildren.

My father was quiet but didn't put many demands, relationship wise, on the grandkids. My mom does, in the sense that she lets me and my siblings know when she hasn't received thank-you cards or that she'd like the grandchildren to visit, but she also shows a lot of interest in them.

Yeh its just so sad that he is not even the slightest bit interested...... Hes going to die in the future and to be honest, the grandkids wont be that bothered. Why should they? Hes just an old man that happens to be their Dad father. I've said before though - Im  not even sure I will be sad.

I got up this morning, read this thread while I was having my morning coffee. I thought to myself 'Why have we let ourselves be treated like this for years and years?' We've made effort after effort and basically, as Poison Ivy put it, all we got back was bullying. 

The answer of course is their insane brainwashing from day one, shored up later by social convention, social expectation.

The only way we get any sort of praise or affection, is if we mirror them. They want a reflection of themselves. Nothing less will do.

A new poster on here, ( 'Concerned One', it's  in the Going No Contact section) talks about the moment he realised his two PD siblings had NO voice of their own, they merely spoke with their and his  PD mother's voice.

He speaks of them as ' having no soul.'

The reason these parents are so disinterested in the grandchildren, is that they haven't got the advantage of full parental influence over them.
They couldn't get inside their heads from birth. They couldn't set up the trauma bonding.
Grandchildren have may also have another parent on the scene, whom the ODs haven't raised.
Shock horror!
It's all too daunting for the narcissist/ PD.

Their only hope with grandkids is to later, try to turn the grandchild against their own parent.
This has happened in the case of one of my nieces. My NPDGCbrother was/is also involved in that.
They talk together about her mother, devaluing/ discarding away.
I've seen the disparaging comments when he posted comments to her, but  by mistake he sent them to a wider group chat. Whoops!
I've also seen my niece constantly talk down to her own mother at family parties, knowing that she is safely aligning with the 'powerful' PDs in the family. I've watched her bask in the glow of that!
Her behaviour changed only after my BPD mum died.
According to my therapist, that created a vacancy.


She became powerful quite speedily. She and GC brother (rather than her mother and me) helped my dad choose the wording for my own mother's tombstone.   

The way my mum spelt her grandparent title is spelt wrongly on her tombstone. 
It was changed by niece. It's spelt that way now, because niece said It 'looked nice.' 
I'm not even sure she ever noticed how mum actually spelt it.
She came late to the party of 'adoration'.
But that's not talked about now. 

Not one PD bothered to check the trillions of  greetings cards, where mum spelt it differently.
Something personal to mum, ignored, and now goes unrecorded forever.

It gets worse. Her date of birth was also omitted.
It just has her age of passing. 
I questioned that, but dad said her date of birth didn't matter, because HE didn't know her then!

UnPD sister is admittedly a damaged person, a PD too, but she is also very badly scapegoated within our family. GCbrother didn't want any rivals.  Since I've put up boundaries, he's tried it too, with one of my adult children. He was very charming with it, she said. That was hard to ignore. I felt like ringing him and having a go. But I ignored it. Daughter was initially pulled in a little, because he dressed it up as  a 'concern'. Feigned concern is another PD tool.
Feigned concern, while suggesting I might be  crazy.
Thanks bro. Love u too.  They will use anything. I'm over 60 so he can start playing  the dementia/crazy old lady  card!

I do think that my niece was more susceptible  to this adult grooming because of her own upbringing by her mum, who is NPD. She's just swapped allegiance because her mum initially too, wanted a reflection, not a child.
This same 'child', is now well into her 40s, but doesn't tell anyone her age. She has younger friends. She's a magical thinker and acts like a  sweet little girl to the PDs.q I often hear about how 'sweet and lovely,' she is, from my dad.
In her teens and twenties she never showed up to family events. This is all forgotten. She now reflects what they want, and that's all that matters to them.
P123, if you became just like your brother overnight, I reckon you would be 'forgiven ' everything.   
As much as we want them to change, they want us too, to crawl back under that stone with them, to reflect them ,so that they feel like people.
My niece has done this and for this she gets 'valued'.
It's a disease that spreads terribly. 
I'm writing this because I'm older and have children who have been adults for a while. They start contacting them and try to worm  their way in. They will use your own child against you, if they get the slightest chance.

[lkdrymom]

When my kids were little both my parents were very hands on grandparents.  But after my mom died when the kids were 6 & 7 my father lost interest.  I tried to keep him engaged. Asked if he would watch them one day a week after school. I figured it was a win-win.  He could come here and get his laundry done, watch tv in a big screen and have dinner with us.  It was more of a disaster.   

And I soon realized my father had no idea about our lives because he just couldn't be bothered....yet he knew the personal lives of all the workers in all the banks he frequented.  One time I was out to lunch with my father and I was telling him of this incredible opportunity my daughter had of going to Paris and London.  I look up to see him waving his arms in the air, not paying any attention to what I was telling him.  He saw a bank worker walk past the front window of the restaurant we were in and was trying to get her attention. That was the moment I stopped telling him anything.   Like someone else said...he would ask about them but he really wasn't interested. I could see my father's eyes glaze over about 3 seconds into my answer.

[Adrianna]

I don't know about you all but I have had a lot of a-ha moments lately on this forum.

We are all doing the work to not only understand the pd relationships and their toxicity, but ourselves too.

It's been tough reading everyone's stories but also good that we can all discuss these things. A lot of us are digging into our past and seeing things in a different light, finally putting it all together.

There's a lot of personal healing going on here I think for many of us.

[nanotech]

When my kids were little both my parents were very hands on grandparents.  But after my mom died when the kids were 6 & 7 my father lost interest.  I tried to keep him engaged. Asked if he would watch them one day a week after school. I figured it was a win-win.  He could come here and get his laundry done, watch tv in a big screen and have dinner with us.  It was more of a disaster.   

And I soon realized my father had no idea about our lives because he just couldn't be bothered....yet he knew the personal lives of all the workers in all the banks he frequented.  One time I was out to lunch with my father and I was telling him of this incredible opportunity my daughter had of going to Paris and London.  I look up to see him waving his arms in the air, not paying any attention to what I was telling him.  He saw a bank worker walk past the front window of the restaurant we were in and was trying to get her attention. That was the moment I stopped telling him anything.   Like someone else said...he would ask about them but he really wasn't interested. I could see my father's eyes glaze over about 3 seconds into my answer.

Horrible. Awful. Typical.
They value, and are interested in anyone over us. Unless we mirror them, it's like we are cardboard cutouts to them.
They don't really want us and our kids to be having their own lives. Hence they don't wanna hear about our kids'opportunities and our kids' adventures.
When out in public with my dad, he will try to engage strangers rather than talk to me. ( I recently had an awful train journey with him, where people moved from our carriage because he was trying to talk to them all the time.
They looked puzzled, because after all, I was sitting there with him. 
It's as if we count for nothing. We feel invalidated, and they don't care.
It happens in restaurants too. He talks to other tables. 
It even happened on my Wedding Day.
My dad says, every year on my anniversary, how he remembers the day I got married very fondly,  '.....because I met that friend of yours (attractive female btw) who I had such a lovely conversation with.'
There are a trillion reasons to remember that day fondly. That is his only reason.
It's anyone that they can shine a light on, other than us.

[Andeza]

Since our son was born, my m hasn't had nearly as much interest in him as when I was pregnant. She didn't send him anything for Christmas, nor for his birthday. Not even a card. She also favored his female cousin (not her grandchild, her great niece) over him when we visited last year. At first I was annoyed, but I've realized why she did it.

Deep down in her disordered mind, she wanted me to be unable to carry to term. Like she is. When I had a relatively easy pregnancy, she was very put out. When I delivered without complications,  I think she could not reconcile her need for a mirror with my ability to do something she could not.

And so she has no real lasting interest in my son, beyond a very superficial curiosity. Made going no contact much easier.

[lkdrymom]

It happens in restaurants too. He talks to other tables. 

My father did that too!  He was always more interested in strangers.