Young kids happier post separation?

[CagedBirdSinging]

Hello, just a quick question. I'm wondering does anyone have any stories of children's behaviour and general happiness/wellbeing improving post separation? In particular any experience with under 5s?

I have a 3yo who moans, complains, fights, cries constantly. I feel she is being impacted by living in the toxic atmosphere created by pdH. Also probably she is influenced by my stress levels (caused by emotional abuse from H). I hate seeing her like this. I know toddlers can defiant but I feel this is beyond normal. I want to see her happy.

But when I look up advice around divorce, it says pre schoolers are amongst the most vulnerable age. So I'm really worried about the impact of separation on my 3yo... but perhaps staying would have a worse impact.

If anyone has any positive experiences of young kids becoming happier post divorce, I'd love to hear from you!!
Thanks so much x

[hhaw]

My kids were 3 yo and 5yo when I filed for divorce.   I worried about negative a massive impacts of the divorce BUT the abuse and chaos and confusion the PD created made the decision for me.... I couldn't raise little girls in that toxic environment.  I refused to model THAT for them.... as normal.  I just couldn't do it, and if I could have, I would have, bc divorcing a PD is hard.  Doing it with little children is drain.

There are good crisis management licensed clinical social workers and Ts out there who can help your 3yo process.  YOU can learn how to calm yourself, get down on her level, look her in the eye and really be present with her... with joy... in the moment.  You'll never get these moments back, btw.  I look back and regret all the time I wasted worrying over circular problems I couldn't solve, OR put down.

Learning how to put the stories on the shelf, so you can BE with your little one.... really be present with her, is a solid goal, IME. 

If I could go back I would have found a trauma informed T to walk me through the tools and tactics of calming mhy brain down, so I had access to my entire brain.... logic, reason and problem solving.... creativity.  God, how I missed creativity over the last 15 years. 

If you learn how to deal with your trauma.,... your hijacked biochemistry.... figure out how to breathe yourself out of survival mode.... you'll get through the divorce in much better shape, IME.

Best of all... you'll create a calmer home for your child.  You'll model healthy coping strategies and relationships for her. 

The thing to remember is.... you can't protect your child from everything.  She has to learn how to deal with COWs... (crisis of the week) bc that's life.  HOW she learns to do that is up to you... and maybe a good therapist. 

We suffer so much, over and over and over again, when we have the choice to do what we can about a bad situation, put the story on the shelf and turn to things that bring us joy.....  like sitting in the rain, under an umbrella, listening to the wind in the trees..... pretending it's whispering "a storm is coming" then running inside to make a forte and tell stories with a flashlight under your chin with a surprise ending!

THOSE are the moments you'll want more of, years down the road.  That's what you'll miss if you let fear and stress and worry rob you of your time.

I wish you strength, intestinal fortitude and procurement of a good trauma informed therapist with EMDR experience. 

Good luck,

[Penny Lane]

Hi CagedBird,
I went back and forth on whether I should reply, because as the stepmom I obviously didn't see the kids during the marriage, only afterwards. I did come into their lives early enough to see what I think were the end stages of the dust settling about the divorce. But I do have an answer, I think, just take it with a grain of salt that I've never been in your exact situation.

Yes, there is a lot of short-term pain over a divorce, and it can be especially disruptive to a preschooler. However, there are some really serious long-term benefits of the divorce, particularly a divorce from a PD. It come down to stability. Right now your child has the stability of being always in the same house, but that house is very unstable no matter how hard you try. If you leave, they will be in a stable house at least half the time.

My stepson was maybe 5 or 6 during the divorce. I met him a few years later. Here is what he told me: "When mom lived here, no one paid attention to me much because they were always fighting." I asked, "how is it now?" He said, "it's better."

My stepdaughter is 3 years younger than him. I don't think she remembers the divorce at all, or the time when her parents lived together. From what my DH says, that is a blessing.

I am confident that now, several years later, the kids are in better shape than if DH had stayed with their mom. Half the time, they have DH's whole focus, and now mine too. They are also surrounded by other healthy loving adults, the people that BM had tried to drive away when they were married. DH is mentally and emotionally light years ahead of where he was when I met him. He has healed tremendously, and that puts him in a better position to counteract their mom's abusive behaviors. He can focus on teaching them strategies for emotional resilience, rather than focusing on surviving. The kids are doing well, better than I would have thought when I first observed their mom's PD behaviors. That the divorce happened during the preschool years - not only does that not affect them anymore, but I think it was for the best.

I hope this gives you some comfort. Divorce is not easy under the best of circumstances. Don't let guilt or pressure deter you from what you know to be the right thing to do.

[BeautifulCrazy]

My kids were 6 and 3 when I left their very abusive father.
It was a very messy and conflict filled time. It was harder on everyone before it got easier. There were issues with the kids with anxiety and poor behavior, both before and after leaving. The day after we left, I got them on waitlists for every kind of help and support I could track down.

My three year old regressed in potty training and speech and became.... just quieter, and more introverted and shy and clingy. I worried like crazy.
My six year old became defiant and surly and angry all the time. It made a challenging time even more difficult.... working through my own intense and awful feelings was hard already.
But kids are resilient!!
In retrospect I'm pretty sure having an environment of safety and stability and predictability outweighed everything negative that was going on.
I didn't see any definitive signs of progress until about 9 months out from leaving. I was sitting in our new, calm little home reading while the kids played quietly when my youngest made a little sound. It was his "happy noise" that he often made from when he was a little baby until a few months before we left. I hadn't heard it in a year!! His sibling noticed too, and said, "Listen mum! DS is making The Happy Sound! I didn't know he still did that!"
Within 2 years, neither of them needed any more of the services we had accessed, there were no more issues with anxiety or behavior and there were no more developmental delays or regression. I still kept them in therapy because they still had to live part time with a PD. (They still do)
They are not done growing up yet, so I can't say how it ends, but I believe getting out and providing a loving, functional home environment for was far, far better than staying and raising them in chaos. I regret nothing about separating / leaving except that I didn't do it sooner. Especially when they were younger, their moods and feelings were very dependent on mine. The best thing I ever did for them was get to a place where I was less stressed (maybe not at first!), more functional, more confident and able to grow and learn needed skills. Probably most importantly I got to a place where I could TEACH self-soothing, self-regulation, good emotional communication and boundaries.
We have had family ups and downs and even another PD in our lives since, but I firmly believe the divorce was FAR LESS harmful than staying.
I'm completely biased of course, but I look at my lovely children, now 14 and 11, and I see amazing, confident, happy and capable young men who are generous and kind and excellent at expressing themselves. In my (still bised) opinion, a safe, stable and structured home life, even part time is better for kids than full time chaos. I think you can safely let go of any guilt around this. Kids ARE vulnerable! Divorce IS hard on them! But you are a great mom, you will protect them and nurture them and they will be fine.

~BC

[hhaw]

That was a wonderful post, BeautifulCrazy.

Lots of clarity there.

[Poison Ivy]

My children were already young adults when I divorced their father, so I can't respond to the original post. But I will echo this, from BeautifulCrazy's post: "The best thing I ever did for them was get to a place where I was less stressed (maybe not at first!), more functional, more confident and able to grow and learn needed skills." I realized many years before the divorce that, because of my then husband's dysfunctional behavior, I would have to be doing a lot more of the parenting of our children and that I would have to up my parenting skills more than I expected. I did do so, but it was incredibly stressful to be doing so while also living with my husband.  I know this is a cliche, but it's true: He was more like another child that expected to be taken care of than like a contributing parent and adult.

[CagedBirdSinging]

Thank you hhaw, PennyLane, Beautiful Crazy Poisin Ivy. I appreciate your replies so much. I think I may have posted a similar question before, so thanks for your patience with me!! For me this is the big stumbling block around leaving. I desperately want to do what is best for my kids. Hhaw you are right, by leaving I can focus on creating a calm, happy home, and really being present for my kids.

PennyLane thanks for your input. It is useful to see things from another perspective. I'm glad to hear your step kids are getting on well. They are lucky to have you.

BeautifulCrazy, your post was great thanks for sharing your experience. I think my kids would be happier in the long run too. I have already looked into play therapy for them, and will definitely look at getting them support.

I guess the difficulty is that I have been GR and MCing for so long, there honestly has not been any conflict in the home... because I bite my tongue constantly, give in to his demands, and avoid all conflict. But what about when the kids are older, when I have to stand up for them, when conflict is unavoidable?! This is why I am leaving now, before things get worse. Also his moods, emotional manipulation, lack of support.. the atmosphere in our house is funereal at best, and he creates so much stress. They will surely be better without that in their lives!

[hhaw]

Yup.... showing your children OTHER ways to relate in adult relationships.....
reciprocal....
empathic....
consistent....
patient......
accepting.....
how to relate without walking on eggshells.....
without giving yourself away to keep the peace....
and most importantly..... learning and teaching/modeling what healthy boundaries are, how to erect them, provide consequences and follow through with consequences when necessary. 

Lord, my youngest dd is showing me my own codependent habits.... like a mirror.  SInce I've done work on myself, about that specifically.... I can gently help her SEE it, and come to her own conclusions about it.   

THESE are what you'll be able to show your children when you create safe space, away from the PD.

What are your children learning now?  That would have been their ONLY idea of normal if you stayed till they reach adulthood,  IME. 

Release all expectation of perfection...... your children will struggle with a divorce.  That's a fact. 

They'd have struggled if you stayed.  That's also a fact.

Focus on mitigating harm..... maximizing lessons, bc there will be growth for all of you.  It's the silver lining, IME.  Don't fret over bad choices.... just pick the best one, and OWN it.  Make the most of it.  Put the other choices on the shelf and focus on what's in front of you NOW. 

I focused mostly on protection.... and I wish I'd focused on educating my children through the strife as priority instead.  I thought I could protect them,  but I was wrong. All I could do was m.itigate harm and use it to teach.

My girls are so far ahead of where I was at their ages.  They KNOW so much..... are so aware of the harmful people in our family and lives and they don't judge.  They have empathy for these people, bc we focused on the WHY, and the harm those individuals suffered when they were children.... PDs don't happen in a vacuum. 

There are causes and conditions for everyone.  Children learn this.... better coping strategies... how to calm their nervous systems..... bc you'll learn and teach them how..... you can help your children grow stronger.

We don't excuse disordered behavior, but we do our best to make sense of something that honestly will never make sense... particularly for the PDs who destroy themselves in order to destroy the parent who leaves.

That;s difficult to explain to a court, much less to little children who have to spend time listening to the PD's twisted version of the divorce, without someone there to explain, IME.
Ask the kids what they think and feel.  Validate it for them.   Don't say negative things about the PD parent... rather share factual details, and allow the children to come to their own conclusions. 

Things are going to get much better for all of you.