New dad, new here, and lost

[Sadhubby]

Hi all,

I think my wife may have a PD. We have no diagnosis as she refuses to see a professional. A lot of research and chance encounters have brought me here.

The behavioural issues have become critical recently after we had our first child. She has become incredibly anxious about our baby's health. Every minor change is interpretted from the worst possible angle, she is constantly looking for "solutions" and is exhausted, and she jumps on every possible lead no matter how improbable. She has started to see me as an obstacle and constantly acuses me of negligence towards my family. I feel I have become the source of all problems in her eyes - if something goes wrong it's because of my failure. I find myself compromising on treatment plans for my son that i don't believe help just to avoid domestic disputes. If i disagree with her she will resort to character destruction, bullying, throwing tantrums and threatening - I have to agree 100% on all details. She regularly puts me on the spot to humiliate me for not knowing the ever changing schedule of treatment or routine. She won't accept any criticism at all, and responds violently (sometimes literally) if I try to intervene. She has also become increasingly controlling, becoming irate if i don't do things exactly the way she likes them.

I feel a prisoner in this situation. i am working while she is on maternity, so i rely on her for childcare. Moreover she refuses to inform me of decisions she makes or commit to any form of mutual planning, saying i should just know it or have done the research myself "if i care". the fact my job is at risk and i have to spend time applying for other positions is irrelevant and "my responsibility". One occasion she had a tantrum because I took an interview rather than being available to help.

She has always had anger issues, exploding suddenly over seemingly trivial issues then maintaining a high level of rage over several days. When we first met i appeased this behaviour, but in recent years i haven't had the strength to play that game. My ego has taken a battering more of a battering than i can handle, I started responding like for like on throwing insults (no physical violence from my side). Rather than showing I can't be bullied as I hoped, this has only made things much worse. My own anger is now a something she regularly and without any irony raises as a major issue in our relationship - her own is a taboo topic.

Why did I stay, you may ask? For the other side of the coin. she is incredibly smart, sensitive and caring when she isn't angry, and before the baby that was 90% of the time. she is, despite the abundance of mad situations, a great mother. and i don't believe the situation is hopeless, i just don't know what to do...

She refuses to undergo any professional or self help, be it individual couples therapy. I recently came across some advice on dealing with PD loved ones which has started to help, but it's like sayinf a stick is helpful to navigate a minefield. how do you cope with the person when they are forcing you to do something you think is ridiculous, humiliating, or damages your personal and professional development and your health?

I hope joining this forum will help me to navigate this maze and get back to a loving relationship. and I hope to be able to help some of you while I'm on this journey.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! You are not alone and you have found a good place.
Please read the toolbox. Applying the strategies 'Medium Chill',  non- JADE, and grey rock have made my life with my NPDh so much calmer and easier. You also might benefit from reading up about boundaries - how to set them, how to keep them.
Get as much information as you can about what you are dealing with and start working on yourself - your own behaviour,  your own wellbeing, your own social support.  Please give up trying to change your wife. The sooner you accept reality for what it is, the faster you can start being responsible for your child and yourself.
As you keep reading on this site you will find more literature that will help you, I am only giving you a start.
Toxic relationship with ever shifting rules and explosive rage situations undermine your self confidence, so it would be a good idea if you could find a therapist or a support group (like CoDA for example) where you can counteract the negative effect that your partner's behaviour has on your wellbeing.
See you around on the boards - the 'chosen relationships' board probably will be your best fit for now.

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

Your post reminds me so much of my undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister.

I'm not a medical professional and we can't make a diagnosis here but it seems that your wife's condition has exacerbated after the birth of the baby. So it would be wise for her to seek medical advice. I know it's not easy to persuade someone who thinks that they don't need help. My sister had daily hormone injections for post natal depression. That helped her so much, even though she still had other ongoing issues.

Your wife seems to be projecting all her issues and concerns onto you. You aren't psychic and you can't possibly know what she is thinking all of the time. 

My rule is to always stay calm no matter what happens. You can't change anyone else's behaviour. You can only change and control your own. Your wife maybe trying to get you to become angry with her by pushing all your buttons. Then you become the abuser and she becomes the victim. It's the Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse where the abuser turns everything around to become the victim.

Calmly talk about your feelings more. Try using "I" statements more rather than "You" statements. For example "I feel ..." rather than "You make me feel ...". I think we all need to learn different communication skills and talk calmly. Changing small simple things can make a big difference in your life. It takes time to learn and to do things differently.

You may like to learn about Mentalization (MBT - Mentalization Based Therapy) and DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) skills. There are many videos about them on YouTube.

Practising Mindfulness meditations has also helped me to cope better. I follow the Mindfulness teacher Tara Brach www.tarabrach.com

You are not alone. There is support here from other people who have experienced similar but different issues as yourself. With time things can change for you.

[Starboard Song]

how do you cope with the person when they are forcing you to do something you think is ridiculous, humiliating, or damages your personal and professional development and your health?

Boundaries are your friend. Read our Boundaries Page for details. At their heart, though, boundaries do not control the other person: they express what you will or won't do, or engage with. They need never be stated: they are a control that you can enforce for yourself with or without notice. To really work, especially with a spouse, they must be enforceable without resorting to nuclear options.

And sometimes they cannot work.

But I believe that even minimal boundaries can create some breathing space to help you regain a feeling of control. You shouldn't feel "forced" into anything, though compromise remains an essential ingredient in a marriage.

I am so glad you found us. Read, read, read, in our Toolbox, and I do hope you find the community support you need in our pages.

Starboard

[Sadhubby]

Thanks so much for your replies. I have been trying some of the techniques, which to my surprise are helping a little!  Barages of attacks are coming in thick and fast, and most of them are triggering me, but I'm trying to hold back my own indignation without agreeing to things I'm accused of and there is a noticeable reduction in tension. Medium Chill is working out best so far.

I've come across DBT already and find it very hard to put into practice, it seems like a very advanced technique where you are already quite in control of the situation at hand.

There seems to be so much to get your head around, and it feels like rebuilding the entire relationship from zero. I'm not sure how this will end, i feel like it should be so much easier, that your other half should understand when they've crossed  the line. I'm bittered and angry, but it's time to try something new.

Looking forward to talking with you more!

[Starboard Song]

i feel like it should be so much easier, that your other half should understand when they've crossed  the line.

You aren't wrong, sadhubby. It is supposed to be much easier.

So much good strength to you.

[Sadhubby]

Hi all,
Thank you again for all your messages, it has been really helpful to read them and to know I'm not alone or just making this up.

Yesterday and today i took the positive step of arranging myself some councelling to help me cope.

I'm not sure it will help with my wife as she refuses point blank to participate in therapy, self help, meditation, sport, or whatever - according to her, it's my fault she's angry and sad, I'm immature and irresponsible and don't appreciate her efforts, so I should fix myself for our relationship to improve - but I'm hoping to make this whole situation a little more bearable for me and by proximity my son.

The GP has diagnosed me with mixed anxiety and depression disorder, which seems right.

Wish me luck.

[guitarman]

Your wife seems to be projecting all her issues onto you. I'm glad to know that you will be going to see a counsellor.

[lifebalance]

It's incredibly tiring and seems hopeless when everything is projected to be your fault. If you're anything like me, you long just to have your feelings validated when telling her something she's done is upsetting to you. To hear "I was wrong. I'm sorry." seems like a fantasy. You're certainly not alone. I understand she may not see the situation in the way most people do, but that doesn't mean your needs and your feelings aren't valid. I hope you find support and help here at Out of the FOG.

[Mary]

Hi New dad,
Many of us here are on the journey to and have found a more peaceful existence with our PD spouses. For sure, we don't always get it right, but as we learn and grow and heal, things tend to stabilize somewhat. There is hope. Glad you found us.
Mary

[Lillith65]

Hi Newdad,

I grew up in a home where my parents behaved as you describe - both of them! It is toxic and very damaging. I wonderhow your child experiences all of this?

When I was in contact with my parents and similar people I found that knowing what my boundaries are was really helpful. The foundation was that I will not accept abuse. If someone starts to abuse me then I tell them to stop 'Please don't speak to me like that.' , followed by 'If you continue I will leave the room.' This will probably need saying many times during many discussions until the other person realises that you are serious.

I would also try not to retaliate at all and not to become involved in discussions that are not going anywhere.  The technique JADE is excellent. You state your decision, need or what is going to happen without JADE. For example if you say that you will leave the room if she abuses you, don't get drawn into arguing about whether or not she is abusing you. You just say 'Stop abusing me or I will leave the room.'

The danger, of course, is escalation. Your wife's behaviour might get worse as you impose boundaries and withdraw from the  stage. You need to decide what you will do if she becomes out of control and in particular if she physically attacks you again.

It also occurs to me that if you were a woman whose husband was abusing her emotionally and physically the first thing that she would be told is to leave. Without any doubt you are in an abusive relationship and I would record somewhere whenever you are assaulted.

Although having a sick child, being stressed and/or being depressed is exhausting and distressing there is no justification for abusing someone else. Your wife needs to see that there are consequences for her behaviour and decide what she is willing to do to improve things. You cannot change her. You did not cause her behaviour. She is a responsible adult. The only person whose behaviour you can change is yourself.

Anyway, best of luck.