New tactic - "you're brother phones me every day"

[p123]

Yeh  I dont. Twice a week is bad enough!
Hes started making excuses now why I HAVE to call him next day. Blood results etc etc.

Hes mentioned about 10 times now that "your brother calls me every day". So far I've ignored him. But any suggestions?

There is NO WAY I am phoning him every day. Not being mean, but I get 3-4 days now where I can forget how much he annoys me lol.

Oh and his other one and this really winds me up. "Make sure you keep in touch". Im gonna phone you in a few days I'm not moving to Australia for a year!

[guitarman]

You need to set firm boundaries and calmly stick to them. I know it's not easy.

What helped me was deciding what I wanted to do, not what I should, must, could or need to do. That was very freeing for me.

So calmly decide. Ask yourself "What do I WANT to do?"

Then calmly act on it without feeling any fear, obligation or guilt.

Make a decision and calmly stick to it. You don't have to tell anyone. It's your boundary. You don't have to JADE that is justify, argue, defend or explain anything. Use Medium Chill and Grey Rock techniques.

If someone keeps pleading with you, you could just calmly say "No. That doesn't work for me". Keep repeating it calmly until they get bored asking. It's the broken record technique.

[Jessie]

Well if you "know" your brother rings every day, any issues will be vetted by him. And you are so very busy, you can ring when you get a chance, just to catch up. What a relief it is to know your dad is getting daily care.

[Adrianna]

I was where you were. How long have you been ringing twice a week? Is this a new boundary?

[p123]

You need to set firm boundaries and calmly stick to them. I know it's not easy.

What helped me was deciding what I wanted to do, not what I should, must, could or need to do. That was very freeing for me.

So calmly decide. Ask yourself "What do I WANT to do?"

Then calmly act on it without feeling any fear, obligation or guilt.

Make a decision and calmly stick to it. You don't have to tell anyone. It's your boundary. You don't have to JADE that is justify, argue, defend or explain anything. Use Medium Chill and Grey Rock techniques.

If someone keeps pleading with you, you could just calmly say "No. That doesn't work for me". Keep repeating it calmly until they get bored asking. It's the broken record technique.

I definitely do not want to speak to him every day - it would drive me mad.

Twice a week is more than enough.

Trouble is past experience -hes not going to let this go. In his head now, I "should" do this so theres no "not doing it from me". It'll be his mission now to keep reminding me forever that I should call him.

Like I said, so far I just change the subject...

[p123]

Well if you "know" your brother rings every day, any issues will be vetted by him. And you are so very busy, you can ring when you get a chance, just to catch up. What a relief it is to know your dad is getting daily care.

Exactly, Dad always compares what my brother does for hi. Brother lives a mile away (24 miles closer than me). Brother looks after zero kids (of the 3 he has long story) as opposed to me having two. Different lives....

[p123]

I was where you were. How long have you been ringing twice a week? Is this a new boundary?

Well, I always phoned twice a week pretty much. I'd visit once a fortnight and he;d moan.

With Covid, I did start ringing a little more - not every day because I couldnt visit. After a while, this was pointless, so I went back to the same. Of course, brother lost his job so has plenty of time, and hes visiting Dad in the week, and phoning him every day. Hes the GC now and Dad expects same from me I think.

[FromTheSwamp]

"Your brother phones me every day"  You - "How nice for you."  Don't try to mind read.  He was making a statement, not a request.  I would reply to the statement only.

If he moves on to "You should phone me every day" then you need a reply ready.  Keep it simple, don't JADE.  As long as it's not "yes".  I'm pretty sure you know that reply won't lead anywhere good.  "That doesn't work for me" is a standby for a reason. 

[lkdrymom]

Next time he tells you your brother rings every day say....."good, then you don't need me to call so often".

[p123]

Next time he tells you your brother rings every day say....."good, then you don't need me to call so often".

good idea!