Unbelievable - Yet I am Sure all of You Get It

[Hepatica]

I'm just tired and overwhelmed. Also: trigger warning re: sexual abuse

The whole, one side of my family on my father's side is blowing up. They are all elderly and this all revolves around a piece of land that was willed to the bunch of them, and now the grandchildren who use the property.

I still live in the city where I grew up and I am tired and overwhelmed and I just want to move away. I have an elderly father - who seems NPD - who just shows up at my house uninvited and I've noticed that the past six months he is dropping his mask more and more. He might have had a mild NPD condition but it is now showing up continually. The last time he dropped in on me, he brought all of the chaos around this piece of land and who was fighting and I just sat there waiting for him to get it all out. However at the end, he turned on me - and it was like some scary "Here's Johnnie" from the Shining moment where he attacked me. He doesn't have to say much but he always find my most hurt spot and he says to me: "You need to go back to your therapist." (He is angry that I've been grey rocking my toxic sister, who is his golden child.)

I just want all of them gone from my life. I have a peaceful relationship with my husband and kids and this family continually brings chaos to me. I've tried to withstand it and breath and tell myself they are toxic and I can take the drop ins by my father every once in awhile. But I don't think I can.

As well, one cousin continues to contact me via email as I've stopped answering my phone and closed all social media. I haven't yet set a boundary with her bc I'm not sure she is disordered. I think she suffers trauma as I do. But the last message she sent me was the whole entire story of the fighting within the family about the property AND a new story. One of my uncles has been accused of sexually abusing some of my female cousins - an older group of cousins - now in their 60's who used to babysit for this uncle. I, thankfully, was too young to babysit his kids and was not assaulted by him, but know that he was loud, extremely combative and arrogant in the family, very good looking and go away with everything bc of his good looks. He died however, suddenly of a heart attack before he turned 50 and that was a good thing.

The rest of the family grows into old age and all of them are fighting and my father seems to be the worst of the bunch currently. He used to value his charming mask, his mediation role, but now he is combative and threatening to sue one cousin.

It's all a mess, a terrible mess and I am so tired, so sad, so overwhelmed AND I'M NOT EVEN INVOLVED.

I cannot believe I come from such a toxic family. I just cannot believe it has come to this and all I want to do is pick up and move thousands of miles away, but I just can't. My husband has a job that wouldn't be transferable. We are stuck here and I sit with my curtains closed and my door locked. I need to get in to see my therapist but with Covid it's on pause.

I really just need to get that out. I'm sorry.

[Adrianna]

No need to apologize and I totally get it. It wears on you after a while. We've all been there.

For years my wish was to just get on a plane, any plane, don't care where it's going. Just get me away from these people. Drive to the airport and just leave. When you're exposed to that much toxicity, it's normal to want to get away from it. It's damaging to your emotional well-being.

One can't live in drama and chaos continually without it having effects.

If I were you and my father showed up at  my house, I simply would not let him in. Tell him he does not have an open invitation to drop by without calling first. It's rude and you wont allow it. That's if you want him over at all. It's your house and you make the rules. You've got to keep peace at home and keep the chaos out. That means no uninvited visits by him.

It really sounds like you feel stuck in that town but the level of attention you give to them is what matters, not where you live. My father lives in the same town and I barely speak to him.

Once you start setting boundaries, some of them have no use for you anymore since you aren't catering to them, so they may ignore you. Some will push back harder. Abusers don't like boundaries. However if you stick to those boundaries, no matter what their reaction, they always find ways of getting their needs met. My grandmother always had backup servants in case one was not performing as expected.

Time to limit contact and realize YOU have more power than you think. It's not uncommon to have to severely limit contact with multiple family members once you see the dynamics.

[Hepatica]

Yes. I just want to get on a plane, or move house across the country. I am agitated and with the new information about my uncle, I am floored and sickened. Realizing now that my sister, who is a number of years older than me, baby sat for that man.

It is damaging my emotional well being. I seem to slump into these days where I'm bedridden and distraught, often a few days after an interaction with one of them. I am forward thinking as well, about how stressful the funeral of my father and mother will be. I am big time scapegoated for distancing from the family.

Sometimes I can handle it and I have a strong mind about it all, and other times I fall apart. I wish I could be stronger about saying what you've suggested to my father. I feel like I spiral down into toddler lever when he is around me and I can't say to him, "don't come over without an invite" For some reason I am still scared of him. I don't know what all of that is about?

I know what you're saying. This about me finding my power. Face to face, not hiding behind the door and quivering in fear. I have to get strong and I am not there yet.

(Anyone else having a really hard time interpreting the verification letters needed to post? My eyes can barely read them)

[bloomie]

Hepatica - I am so glad you reached out for support from this community. So much of what you describe expereincing and how it is brought you to a place of wanting to flee is relatable to me and I'm sure to so many others here.

I know what you're saying. This about me finding my power. Face to face, not hiding behind the door and quivering in fear. I have to get strong and I am not there yet.

What I love about becoming... empowered, equiped, skilful, adept at handling these toxic encounters with our loved ones is that it absolutely is a journey. We don't have to jump right into a potentially high conflict situation with someone like your father. In fact, you may never choose to jump right into a face to face showdown with your father not that that is not a good suggestion - sometimes that is what we choose to do. But, you can also build other tools and strategies that may work to give you enough space to breathe.

I recently hiked at a high altitude a fairly demanding hike. I wasn't able to do that until I had begun first by walking longer distances, learning about how to stay hydrated, when and with what to replense my energy stores, what shoes to wear, etc. If I had just jumped on that trail without the process of strengthening and learning about myself first, I would have collasped.

My own journey out of the Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to a place of healthier, boundaried, more appropriate interactions with others and with potentially personality disordered people that I loved dearly in specific, has been (continues to be) a process very similar to training for a long, demanding hike.

Some really great places to start are the toolbox above and the traits info in the Personality Disorder drop down menu. There are do/don't sections with each trait you identify as familiar with your father or behaviors of other family members.

There are great resources that will continue to help you develop your own set of boundaries and skills to handle all of this intrusive and difficult mess others are attempting to drag into your happy life. Those are found here: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=45.0

Strength to you as you absorb this horrific revelation about your uncle. That is a lot to process and think through. I am so very thankful you were spared and so incredibly sad this has happened to your family members.

Keep coming back and sharing. There is something about reading through the posts of others as they share and you may find seeing the same patterns in other's lives and relationships - the insights of how they have coped, the support and encouragment this community brings - may help you in ways nothing else has. This kind of community can play a unique and powerful role in our healing journey.

[MamaDryad]

Echoing others who emphasized giving yourself space to process what you've found out about your uncle. Talking/venting to people who are farther away from the epicenter of the abuse than you are can really help. It sounds like you have good boundaries around this stuff already.

I recently learned something I had suspected about a predator in my family. In my case, it was my grandfather, who abused my mother (the main PD in my life). And she sent me to stay with him and my enabler grandmother, all through my own childhood. I'm going through a lot of different stages as I process this. It's a lot. I wish you healing and self-compassion.

[Hepatica]

Thank you Adrianna, Bloomie and MamaDryad.

Bloomie, I really like your analogy about strengthening for a challenging hike. I am grateful for the suggestions for resources as well. I was going to ask that actually. I have read quite a lot and watched many videos about NPD and toxic families but I've never really read any sort of advice about practical boundary setting and what that looks like and how to work up to it. A lot of my response the past few years has been distancing, after they'd done something that seemed to me a pattern that returned, and then trying to decide how to manage my unhealed childhood trauma when I am interacting with parents and a sister who pressure me to behave like we have a "normal" healthy family.

MamaDryad and Bloomie, I hadn't given that thought about processing the information about my uncle. When I was told it, I felt a sense of repulsion though, although few of us liked the man based on his extreme blow hard arrogance and mean spiritedness. This was a level of low I wasn't  expecting, although I've had this feeling my whole life of a kind of darkness on my father's side of the family that I couldn't pin point or explain.

I feel very sad about this. I've actually had pain in heart for over a week, so bad the other day I was worried I was having a heart attack. I wonder if this is from the stress of the news. And then absolutely exhaustion. I cannot remember feeling this tired. Writing this makes me want to cry.

I'll keep reading more posts because it does help me to see that I am not alone, that other people find ways to cope and a community that supports and helps weather the ups and downs of this healing process.

[Adrianna]

As you go through this process, it's important to practice self care.

Are you eating properly? Getting enough rest? Taking time for yourself? Doing at least one fun thing a day for just YOU?

It's a lot all at once, figuring out and acknowledging the dysfunction you've been raised with. It does take a toll on the body as well. Be kind to yourself.

I buy myself flowers every once in a while. I finally understand self care and it feels long overdue. I imagine the same would be said for you. Many if not all of us were taught to put other's needs before our own, to the point of mental and physical exhaustion. Time to change that.

[Hepatica]

Adrianna, thank you. Thank you for reminding me about self-care.

With Covid and a hot summer, I have let it slip big time. After posting this situation here on the forum, I think I practised my first bit of self-care in a long time. I haven't seen my therapist since March either. I stopped going to zumba, and taking my essential oils and vitamins.

Yesterday I felt better reading the responses here and reading other people's posts that are so familiar and validating. I went out and bought salmon oil and multi-vits with extra B's and today my gym re-opened and I did my first zumba class since March. I feel so much better today.

The info. about my uncle adds another layer of the onion to our family history. There is abhorrent amount of serious boundary crossing in this family - a pattern that has many forms - but this one is the most telling of how far, at least one person in this family, would go in their selfishness, to the point of destroying innocence, and this will take me a long time to process.

I definitely need some TLC and I really appreciate your wise and kind words.