Its all kicked off tonight

[nanotech]

A poster here commented on how when she lowered contact / and or stopped JADING, her dad, reducing calls and ending calls sooner, her dad tried to up his game by saying his nastiness and making demands right at the beginning of the conversation.
  I noticed your dad rang off before you could say anything in answer, trying to get the last word. OMG talk about trying to silence you! Well, it won't wash.


Adrianna said,

"I would have laughed and said "yeah that's not happening! Nice try though."

In all honesty though, this comes through therapy and very very low contact. When I was in the thick of it, with regular communication, I don't think I could have gotten there.

I really feel that you may have to think about seriously reducing contact with your father, maybe even going no contact. It would mean breaking the family ties but sit and think about it. Again, starting therapy can help you with this decision. You're fighting for your freedom and well-being here.

You know you can't continue down this path. Somethings gotta give. "

I agree completely. I think just the same  about myself, regarding therapy and combining it with VVLC ( dad) and NC with sibs.
A combination of talking it out with a professional, while at least lowering contact substantially ( this includes phonecalls!) is the best way forward.

You don't live with him, and he can't come round. The police don't respond to tantrums from entitled divas.

At least not in the ways they expect!
I think that's a bluff anyway.

During lockdown my dad said to me,

' I just might turn up at your door!'

I answered him back fast,

'And  I just might turn up at your door Dad!'
He ( angrier) said,

' Well you won't get in!'

I said, ( laughing)

'Well YOU won't get in MY house!'

Then  of course, he didn't know how to top that, so he said he had to ring off.
They like unsettling us. He knew the lockdown rules, but deep down it annoyed him that I seemed to have this 'free pass' not to be of service to him.
Chuck it right back somehow.

[WomanInterrupted]

Just because he say something, doesn't make it  true.

Look at all the times he's tried to rope you into promises you wouldn't make, and then insists you DID promise. 

It's disordered, delusional thinking - and you don't have to play along.

I'm another who probably  would have said something along the lines of, "Yeah, that's not happening.  Nice try, though!"  - because I was detached enough to see what was going on and be SO over it.

Instead, you said nothing because he thinks he's SO sneaky and clever:  "If I tell P123 he's doing it and hang up, he won't have a choice!"

Um...guess again. 

See line one:   just because he says something , doesn't make it true.   

Stick to *your* schedule - one visit on Wed evening.  The rest is to be determined and not by your dad - but by YOU.

Don't fall for the games - let yourself process what's going on and allow that to guide you to a place where you can make the best decisions for you and your FOC.

[p123]

Just because he say something, doesn't make it  true.

Look at all the times he's tried to rope you into promises you wouldn't make, and then insists you DID promise. 

It's disordered, delusional thinking - and you don't have to play along.

I'm another who probably  would have said something along the lines of, "Yeah, that's not happening.  Nice try, though!"  - because I was detached enough to see what was going on and be SO over it.

Instead, you said nothing because he thinks he's SO sneaky and clever:  "If I tell P123 he's doing it and hang up, he won't have a choice!"

Um...guess again. 

See line one:   just because he says something , doesn't make it true.   

Stick to *your* schedule - one visit on Wed evening.  The rest is to be determined and not by your dad - but by YOU.

Don't fall for the games - let yourself process what's going on and allow that to guide you to a place where you can make the best decisions for you and your FOC.

Can guarantee on wednesday he'll follow through on this with "so when are you cominf the weekend?"

I'll say Im not and he'll say "why what are you doing?"
I'm not getting into it this time with explanations - he knows he tried to force it like this.

Im trying not to be mad too. I get so mad. Im just going to calmly say no can't make it the weekend, I might see you next week.

[WomanInterrupted]

"Why, what are you doing?" is an  attempt at INVALIDATION.   

No matter what you have going on, it will NEVER equal /be more important than going to see him and can be pushed aside until later - so don't tell him anything.

"Dad, it's really none of your business." 

Then leave, ASAP.  If he's going to behave like a jerk, trying to strong-arm you into the next  visit - even as soon as you get there -  you can always turn around and walk out.   

And even if you DO commit to something, just to shut him up, doesn't mean you have to follow  through - and you do NOT owe him an explanation ,

If you don't show up, you don't show up.  If he blows up your phone, block his number.  If he calls the police, tell them your dad is losing his marbles.  It will probably never happen again.

You have the power.  You really do.  You just don't realize it yet, because you've been conditioned to cater to his whims, all your life.

You don't HAVE to - he is a grown-ass man.  If he can't figure out how to get along in the world, it's time for him to go into a home.

[lkdrymom]

Our parents seem to think we need to be doing something all the time.  My father's famous line was "I thought you needed something to do".  Hey thanks dad.

As we have all said a million times before...GET MAD.  That will allow you to quickly pass by any guilty feelings you may have. You know when I felt guilty?  When he conned me into doing something I didn't want to do.  Then I was so mad at myself for falling for one of his tricks.

When he asks what you are doing next week (after you tell him you can't visit) tell him point blank your plans are not up for discussion.  His opinion on how you spend your time....is not important to you. Maybe throw in a quick "Dad, if you weren't so difficult/unpleasant to be around, maybe I would be here more often.  But we know you aren't going to change so I have to. And if that means staying away so be it".  Every once in awhile I would have a nice visit with my father and would think if there were more like this I would be around more.  But those were few and far between.

[doglady]

I'm here cheering you on from Down Under, p123. I know this is hard to say No to him. But you also know he won't change. He'll never accept your terms. So I hope you can do what you need to for your mental and physical health, and for your wife and kids. You owe your father nothing, but what you are *happy* to give, not guilted into giving.
I sometimes ask myself: What would I want to do in this situation, if I wasn't worried about what the other person would say or do. And I aim for that, no matter what the other person tries on. Because of course they're going to pull every trick out of the bag to keep you in line.
You don't deserve his treatment of you. I can see you're really angry. And that is actually a good sign. I hope you can use that anger to fight for your rights here. Because his needs do not come before yours. I know you already know all this. But I get the sense that you are almost there. Keep going. We are with you.

[p123]

Yeh got to stay strong. I KNOW what hes going to say and I KNOW what hes going to say when I refuse....

Been reading a few books and I think the problem is I'm conflict-averse

[p123]

I'm here cheering you on from Down Under, p123. I know this is hard to say No to him. But you also know he won't change. He'll never accept your terms. So I hope you can do what you need to for your mental and physical health, and for your wife and kids. You owe your father nothing, but what you are *happy* to give, not guilted into giving.
I sometimes ask myself: What would I want to do in this situation, if I wasn't worried about what the other person would say or do. And I aim for that, no matter what the other person tries on. Because of course they're going to pull every trick out of the bag to keep you in line.
You don't deserve his treatment of you. I can see you're really angry. And that is actually a good sign. I hope you can use that anger to fight for your rights here. Because his needs do not come before yours. I know you already know all this. But I get the sense that you are almost there. Keep going. We are with you.

thanks doglady - I just know hes going to escalate things....

Last weekend I got "Oh I'm such a burden to everyone, I dont know why I've lived this long". Jeez get a grip will you!
In the past, I've had "Oh if no-one wants to help me I'll have to go into a home" Go on then!

What I'm dying to say to him is "There nothing physically wrong with you, stop moaning about everything, and get on with it a bit and make an effort"

[Adrianna]

Here's the thing about him escalating things. He will. They always do when someone starts setting firm boundaries with them. It throws off the dynamic.  He wants control. He's still got it with you and he knows it. Once he realizes you are taking it back, expect theatrics. Especially if he has borderline personality mixed in with the narcissism. Here's where your anger comes in handy. Get mad when he does it, feel that resentment, and let that cement your boundaries. Fight for your well-being. Fight for your peace. Fight for your family, your job, your sanity.

My grandmother hated it when I set firm boundaries.  What happens is they can sense a shift in you. They are used to being in control. Again, you need to get to a point where you literally don't give a shit about what your father thinks of you. That makes this process much easier. You won't care as much if he's angry with you and you will fund it as I said mildly entertaining  and nothing short of predictable. 

He's mad again? So what. Let him be mad.

He's telling you you're a lousy son? Oh well. Sorry to hear it.

He's telling you that you must visit? Keep dreaming pops. You don't control me.

I visited not one, but two ministers at church over the years to get advice on my grandmother's behavior towards me. You know what one told me? He said give her a warning. If she continues, walk out. Or in your case, politely say I need to end this call and do it. With NO guilt.
We were not put on this planet to experience this misery.

Your anger will turn to disgust like mine, and that makes it easier. It's hard though like I said when you're in frequent communication. Every phone call is a test of your patience.

May of us were conflict avoidant from childhood as well as groomed to be people pleasers. Codependent. I used to really hate conflict too but now I'm more willing to just accept that sometimes it happens and there's nothing I can do about it. Now that I've found my voice, and know that guess what, I matter too,  I find myself far more assertive with everyone. You will too once you're fully Out of the FOG. You may find other friendships falling away, like I did. I realized I had some unhealthy dynamics with other people and those friendships had to go as well. The new me wasn't putting up with them anymore the way the old me did.

In my fathers case the boundaries were set early and I told him no way I'm doing for you what I did for your mother. Hire someone. He has.. He tells people I think he's an asshole. He is not wrong about that. I think of him as a random guy who I still care about as a human being, but I have no expectations of being treated well by him, ever.  Once you start therapy you really start digging into this stuff. You can reframe relationships. You're probably still in the "well he's my father, surely he must care deep down about me, why can't he understand my point of view?" That's where you're frustration comes from. You haven't accepted who he is yet. Here's the thing though. Look at his actions. Let go of that cognitive dissonance. You want to think he's a reasonable caring father but his actions show you otherwise. It's a hard hard hard thing to accept your father really doesn't care for anyone but himself. Again, therapy can help with this process.

I rarely hear from my father but I will admit it is upsetting when I do, even still. I'm not finished with this process yet. I'd like to be full NC with him. I'm not there yet.

[lkdrymom]

I'm here cheering you on from Down Under, p123. I know this is hard to say No to him. But you also know he won't change. He'll never accept your terms. So I hope you can do what you need to for your mental and physical health, and for your wife and kids. You owe your father nothing, but what you are *happy* to give, not guilted into giving.
I sometimes ask myself: What would I want to do in this situation, if I wasn't worried about what the other person would say or do. And I aim for that, no matter what the other person tries on. Because of course they're going to pull every trick out of the bag to keep you in line.
You don't deserve his treatment of you. I can see you're really angry. And that is actually a good sign. I hope you can use that anger to fight for your rights here. Because his needs do not come before yours. I know you already know all this. But I get the sense that you are almost there. Keep going. We are with you.

thanks doglady - I just know hes going to escalate things....

Last weekend I got "Oh I'm such a burden to everyone, I dont know why I've lived this long". Jeez get a grip will you!
In the past, I've had "Oh if no-one wants to help me I'll have to go into a home" Go on then!

What I'm dying to say to him is "There nothing physically wrong with you, stop moaning about everything, and get on with it a bit and make an effort"

Seriously you are missing perfect opportunities.  When he mentions having to go into a home....AGREE WITH HIM!!!!!  Trust me he will back pedal so fast.   When he says he is a burden you can say...if you let us have groceries delivered you would be such a burden.  He is baiting you hoping you will fall all over him assuring him he is a joy to be around.  Don't do it.

[WomanInterrupted]

I agree - you're missing out on golden opportunities to agree with your dad and shut this crap down - for now.  Until he figures out another tactic. 

He says he's old and a burden and should go into a home - yes dad, that's right.  You need to start looking into AL if you can't care for yourself.

He says he's a burden and doesn't know why he's lived this long - again, agree and tell him he won't be so much of a burden if he has the groceries delivered.

Didi once tried, "Oh, nobody loves me!" - knowing I'd pulled away, and wanting her control back.

I said NOTHING. 

She wanted me to fawn - I refused.  I'm glad she couldn't see me rolling my eyes through the phone, so she carried on, saying nobody loved her and she had nothing to live for.

Crickets.

I then asked if she'd been outside, because it was  such a lovely day, and she could do some gardening.

BANG went the phone  and THAT was the end of THAT - for a week or so, until she tried again and I told her she was just being silly.  How's your  garden? 

BANG went the phone - until she was in the hospital!  Oh noes!  Come now, again, some more, she's dying, again, for real this time, again, some more!   It's the Curse of the Fatal Death, again, some more!  This time, it's her stomach - or is it her liver?  Or her lymph nodes?  Oh, she can't keep this shit straight, so why should I? 

She was shameless in upping the game and pulling out all the stops, so I didn't feel bad de-escalating by stepping back, calling less, sticking to Medium Chill and occasionally agreeing that yes, she did need more help.  It's good thing she was in a hospital, where she could get it.

I was the *only* help she wanted and she hadn't figured out I'd taken that off that table, so she kept  trying and I kept deflecting, lowering contact and thinking, "Man...can't she figure this out?  It's not a game.  She's not going to "win."  This is the life of me and my FOC she's trying to mess with and that's NOT going to happen."

That's the point you have to get to with your dad, conflict-avoidant or not.  ANGER will set you free - NOT of the destructive, HULK SMASH type, where it's just mindless aggression for the sake of having a mad.

This is *constructive* anger which can be quite freeing - and a catalyst for positive change.

Your dad can throw everything he's got at you and you'll handle it like a boss, because you're emotionally checked-out  enough to do so. 

[Andeza]

Oh good heavens

nobody loved her and she had nothing to live for.

I swear they've all got the same play book! I've heard that exact line before. Exactly!!!! I countered with "Welp, guess I'm chopped liver then." Usually worked pretty well. But still. 

Constructive anger is amazing, p123. It really will help you be free. I started to get mad because M was getting pushy about my pregnancy and how we were doing things, and especially about how much information I was NOT giving her. How's the pregnancy, how's the baby... Met with "Fine." Most people would be happy at that, but our personality disordered family members have to push. Are you sure nothing's wrong?! Yep, all fine.

I share, just to show you you're not alone. And you're really not. Because they all pull from the same book of quotes and plays. They all play the same, dumb tricks. They all want what they want and our wants be darned.

It's hard, it's painful. But he'll never put you first. Not you, not your wife, not your kids. He's number one in his own life, and what a sad and unfulfilling outlook it must ultimately be. They never get to know the joy we feel for our own kids, because we love our kids just for them and not for what they can do for us.

I know it's hard to look at your dad and say, "Well, he's not right in his mind, and this is what I can expect from him forever." But most likely it is true. You can only act accordingly, by deciding how much you're going to let him get to you. Right now, seems like he winds you up pretty good. My mom wound me up pretty good too. Until I stopped calling her. Yup. I stopped. She started calling me, for the first time since I moved out of her house, but even then it was about once a month. Which, as I healed and learned, even that was too much. But that's me. You have to do what works for you. You can only control your own actions, after all. Your own choices. Your own healing journey.

[p123]

Here's the thing about him escalating things. He will. They always do when someone starts setting firm boundaries with them. It throws off the dynamic.  He wants control. He's still got it with you and he knows it. Once he realizes you are taking it back, expect theatrics. Especially if he has borderline personality mixed in with the narcissism. Here's where your anger comes in handy. Get mad when he does it, feel that resentment, and let that cement your boundaries. Fight for your well-being. Fight for your peace. Fight for your family, your job, your sanity.

My grandmother hated it when I set firm boundaries.  What happens is they can sense a shift in you. They are used to being in control. Again, you need to get to a point where you literally don't give a shit about what your father thinks of you. That makes this process much easier. You won't care as much if he's angry with you and you will fund it as I said mildly entertaining  and nothing short of predictable. 

He's mad again? So what. Let him be mad.

He's telling you you're a lousy son? Oh well. Sorry to hear it.

He's telling you that you must visit? Keep dreaming pops. You don't control me.

I visited not one, but two ministers at church over the years to get advice on my grandmother's behavior towards me. You know what one told me? He said give her a warning. If she continues, walk out. Or in your case, politely say I need to end this call and do it. With NO guilt.
We were not put on this planet to experience this misery.

Your anger will turn to disgust like mine, and that makes it easier. It's hard though like I said when you're in frequent communication. Every phone call is a test of your patience.

May of us were conflict avoidant from childhood as well as groomed to be people pleasers. Codependent. I used to really hate conflict too but now I'm more willing to just accept that sometimes it happens and there's nothing I can do about it. Now that I've found my voice, and know that guess what, I matter too,  I find myself far more assertive with everyone. You will too once you're fully Out of the FOG. You may find other friendships falling away, like I did. I realized I had some unhealthy dynamics with other people and those friendships had to go as well. The new me wasn't putting up with them anymore the way the old me did.

In my fathers case the boundaries were set early and I told him no way I'm doing for you what I did for your mother. Hire someone. He has.. He tells people I think he's an asshole. He is not wrong about that. I think of him as a random guy who I still care about as a human being, but I have no expectations of being treated well by him, ever.  Once you start therapy you really start digging into this stuff. You can reframe relationships. You're probably still in the "well he's my father, surely he must care deep down about me, why can't he understand my point of view?" That's where you're frustration comes from. You haven't accepted who he is yet. Here's the thing though. Look at his actions. Let go of that cognitive dissonance. You want to think he's a reasonable caring father but his actions show you otherwise. It's a hard hard hard thing to accept your father really doesn't care for anyone but himself. Again, therapy can help with this process.

I rarely hear from my father but I will admit it is upsetting when I do, even still. I'm not finished with this process yet. I'd like to be full NC with him. I'm not there yet.

Thanks Adrianna - so much of this rings true for me.

[p123]

I'm here cheering you on from Down Under, p123. I know this is hard to say No to him. But you also know he won't change. He'll never accept your terms. So I hope you can do what you need to for your mental and physical health, and for your wife and kids. You owe your father nothing, but what you are *happy* to give, not guilted into giving.
I sometimes ask myself: What would I want to do in this situation, if I wasn't worried about what the other person would say or do. And I aim for that, no matter what the other person tries on. Because of course they're going to pull every trick out of the bag to keep you in line.
You don't deserve his treatment of you. I can see you're really angry. And that is actually a good sign. I hope you can use that anger to fight for your rights here. Because his needs do not come before yours. I know you already know all this. But I get the sense that you are almost there. Keep going. We are with you.

thanks doglady - I just know hes going to escalate things....

Last weekend I got "Oh I'm such a burden to everyone, I dont know why I've lived this long". Jeez get a grip will you!
In the past, I've had "Oh if no-one wants to help me I'll have to go into a home" Go on then!

What I'm dying to say to him is "There nothing physically wrong with you, stop moaning about everything, and get on with it a bit and make an effort"

Seriously you are missing perfect opportunities.  When he mentions having to go into a home....AGREE WITH HIM!!!!!  Trust me he will back pedal so fast.   When he says he is a burden you can say...if you let us have groceries delivered you would be such a burden.  He is baiting you hoping you will fall all over him assuring him he is a joy to be around.  Don't do it.

ha ha you're not wrong there!

[p123]

I agree - you're missing out on golden opportunities to agree with your dad and shut this crap down - for now.  Until he figures out another tactic. 

He says he's old and a burden and should go into a home - yes dad, that's right.  You need to start looking into AL if you can't care for yourself.

He says he's a burden and doesn't know why he's lived this long - again, agree and tell him he won't be so much of a burden if he has the groceries delivered.

Didi once tried, "Oh, nobody loves me!" - knowing I'd pulled away, and wanting her control back.

I said NOTHING. 

She wanted me to fawn - I refused.  I'm glad she couldn't see me rolling my eyes through the phone, so she carried on, saying nobody loved her and she had nothing to live for.

Crickets.

I then asked if she'd been outside, because it was  such a lovely day, and she could do some gardening.

BANG went the phone  and THAT was the end of THAT - for a week or so, until she tried again and I told her she was just being silly.  How's your  garden? 

BANG went the phone - until she was in the hospital!  Oh noes!  Come now, again, some more, she's dying, again, for real this time, again, some more!   It's the Curse of the Fatal Death, again, some more!  This time, it's her stomach - or is it her liver?  Or her lymph nodes?  Oh, she can't keep this shit straight, so why should I? 

She was shameless in upping the game and pulling out all the stops, so I didn't feel bad de-escalating by stepping back, calling less, sticking to Medium Chill and occasionally agreeing that yes, she did need more help.  It's good thing she was in a hospital, where she could get it.

I was the *only* help she wanted and she hadn't figured out I'd taken that off that table, so she kept  trying and I kept deflecting, lowering contact and thinking, "Man...can't she figure this out?  It's not a game.  She's not going to "win."  This is the life of me and my FOC she's trying to mess with and that's NOT going to happen."

That's the point you have to get to with your dad, conflict-avoidant or not.  ANGER will set you free - NOT of the destructive, HULK SMASH type, where it's just mindless aggression for the sake of having a mad.

This is *constructive* anger which can be quite freeing - and a catalyst for positive change.

Your dad can throw everything he's got at you and you'll handle it like a boss, because you're emotionally checked-out  enough to do so. 

Oh yes I am so angry at the moment. I just know it'll be another attempt from him....

Im going tonight - wish me luck!

[Starboard Song]

p123,

This is so truly hard. I would consider throttling your interactions: you will take his call three days a week: days and times you select. At any other time he goes unanswered to voicemail. Texts are dealt with on the same three days a week. If you limit the number of times a week you engage, then truly the "never-ending battle" will end, and you'll be able to focus on your own home.

I don't want to make this sound easy. It really isn't. So just walk through how it would work. Imagine you are watching a television movie made about you in the future. It goes like this:

Monday episode: Twenty-minute conversation. Several topics end with you saying, "dad, I won't discuss that any further."

Wednesday episode: Hour long conversation. Nice exchanges, punctuated by "dad, I won't discuss that any further." This one ends dramatically. You've interrupted him to say "dad, I've told you I won't discuss that further today. I can see you really want to talk about only that. So I'll let you go for tonight. We love you!" The scene fades out with dad staring at his silent phone and beginning to call back, but getting no answer.

Friday epsiode: Half hour talk. Dad complains a lot. You say "that must be hard" a lot. You are reading the news online while listening. Call ends with you saying you'll see him Saturday for that one errand you agreed to, and you'll have a hard stop after that, due to other obligations.

There are no other episodes. Texts are addressed during the next regularly scheduled episode. Calls go to voicemail. Refusal to change the topic upon request politely but firmly ends the call.

Imagine what a nice show that would be to watch: no endless, circular arguments; no forced marches to the phone or to his home or to the grocer. Also, no nice and friendly old man, sad to say. This won't make him happier. He may be beyond happy. But this is a show you could live with. Adjust it, and make it work for you. I made up the details, but they are yours to write. Get it right for you and then really imagine it. Imagine the ignored texts and voicemails. Imagine letting the phone just ring. Imagine the time-boxed conversations that never go in circles more than once before being abruptly, but politely, ended. Imagine what would be required of you. Discuss it with your wife and build up your strength.

You can do this.

[p123]

Last nights visit - give myself 6.5/10 :-)

After about 20 mins,

Dad: "Im so depressed I'm stuck in, I've had no fresh air, can you visit this weekend and take me out for a ride in the car?"
Me: "Sorry I'm busy with the kids"
Dad: "Can't you bring X (my youngest) with you?" (This is pretty rich because he has no interest in my kids at all and we've had this conversation twice now how its boring for a 7 year old)
Me: "No Dad we're doing something"
Dad: "But I'm SO DEPRESSED"
Me: "We've had this conversation, you need to speak to your doctor maybe"
Dad: "No no no - I've spoken to a few of my friends and they're the same we're all stuck in"
Me: "Problem sorted - if they;re the same why not all go out somewhere togetether?"
Dad: <Silence>
Dad: "So what about weekends when you're wife doesnt work? You can take me out then" (She works 6 out of 8 weekends)
Me: "Dad shes not going be impressed if the one weekend shes not working, I leave her with the kids and spend the day with you"
Dad: <Silence>
Dad: "OK so you're coming in the week instead"
Me: "I will"
Dad: "OK at least its going to be every week"
Me: "We'll see" (yes I should have said no!!!!)
Dad: "Im scared to ask you these things now" (GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Me: <Silence>

Hopefully, progress here!

[lkdrymom]

That was a little progress.  Yes you should have said NO to the every week.  And the silence answers were very good.  He does know how to play you.

[Adrianna]

When he said he was scared to ask you these things, that was the bait. You didn't take it so that's progress.

If you were fully in the fog you wold have soothed him and said something like "don't say that", "you can always ask me", etc.

Silence speaks volumes.

[nanotech]

Silence is a good one. I've tried that too with my dad.
After my silence, there was a tumbleweed moment, then he actually answered his own query with the answer he wanted me to say! ( about who/ what he reckons is 'to blame' for the recent Covid spikes.)

So then I said I didnt know.

" I don't know Dad ."

Followed by more silence from me ( no JADING) is also extremely effective and it's protective.
"I don't know"
is not the introduction to a huge analysis  from us, that they can devour and throw back at us and repeat to others. 

What my dad does is bring up a topic and try to force me to talk about an opinion he has, then he will flip that and report his view as my 'view' to others. All I had to do was engage.
  In this way they stir and spread harm without taking responsibility. Nsister and nbro did this too.
I think your dad tries to do it to convince YOU that YOU have said you will see him three times a week.

So it's a big fat NO.

They project something, and if you humour them just a little, just for a quiet life, maybe just don't argue it too much because they are old after all, then they pass that BS on to other family as having come from you.
In this way the poison and malicious gossip thry enjoy so much gets released, and they get to keep their hands clean. Cue halo.
In this way your dad is also attempting to gaslight you into actually thinking you've said you'll come every week, or whatever.
So it's a Big NO that's needed followed by ending the call.

Now, If my dad says anything derogatory about anyone/ anything I JUST DON'T SAY ANYTHING.
If I do engage I'll get quoted to the other PDs in the family as being the instigator of the horrible remarks.
So it's silence. Or it " I don't know." It's the complete answer.
Or it's "NO".

My dad loathes it but I use these often. When followed by these,
his circular argument which was poised to start, dies on its feet.
These tools do work.
It can feel really odd, we are so geared/ programmed  toward

......explanation.

Explanation would be fine in a healthy relationship, though even in my healthy relationships I can suddenly find myself tending toward JADING!
Husband has pointed it out.
Son has pointed it out.
My over explaining and worrisome ness. 
Sometimes they laugh!
No -one healthy, expects it.!
They are complete sentence. They are a complete answer.