Its all kicked off tonight

[p123]

Last nights visit - think I did well again.

Hadn't even got in the door properly "I'm struggling....". Here we go again I thought.
So hes off telling me I'm ignoring him putting the shopping away. I come in sit down "did you see the cricket on TV?" But hes determined to get his point across that hes SO ILL.

To be honest, it was quite funny. He'd had a bit of a stomach upset and had been THREE TIMES in one morning so he called the doctor. I know, I know - if I eat too much garlic thats normal for me!
He was fine in the PM. Doctor refused to come out and hes had another "warning" from them. I just tried to see the funny side that he'd been just THREE times, convinced himself it was serious, and days later he still said "he feels so weak". Hasn't stopped eating mind.

I reminded him of when I had this sort of thing properly a year or so ago. Glastonbury music festival - I must have "gone" 150 times in the space of a week. I really didn't eat much either. I was doing a 25km walk up the moutains. (Pen Y Fan for those of u in the uk - its a decent mountain!) the weekend for charity. I didnt want to let anyone down so I did it. Bought some adult nappies/diapers lol. Really struggled but I did it - now I can safely say I was run down!
I reminded Dad that THREE squishy poos in 3 hours is not quite the same.

He was not amused that his life threatening poo was not taken seriously by anyone....

Also, he didnt even mention visiting the weekend!

[lkdrymom]

Life threatening poo!  I love that.

My father would be thrilled to go three times in one hour.  He was convinced constipation would be the end of him. He would fake a head injury at the assisted living place just to be sent to the ER so he could tell them about his constipation.  (After 20 or so trips to the ER over constipation, the AL refused to send him anymore for that).

[Hepatica]

Hi p123,

Do you think there is grief at work here? I feel sad reading your posts and I very much relate to them as well. I have an easier time feeling grief than I do anger, but every once in a while I feel really angry and suddenly everything is crystal clear and I know my elderly parents are not just old folks to pity, they are mean people who have been their entire lives, each in their own unique way.

I wonder if framing a change in the context of running from something, to running to something would work? Meaning run toward most energy set on your immediate family and you healing and building your own strength.

Seems like you are moving to anger; please relish that rightful anger!  It's great, because your father, honestly he is like a mafia boss the way he treats you and it makes me mad reading about him. The good thing is he has no hit squad, so there's nothing to be afraid of. He cannot hurt you when you frame it in your mind as working on yourself, and your immediate family, very noble goals. Now your choices become positive rather than draggy and sad.

Be strong! What ended up scaring me when it came to doting on ungrateful, very selfish, draining parents - who had absolutely no time for me as a child - was that I might repeat that pattern of neglect, and spend more time doting on them, than raising a fabulous kid.

I made the choice to be the happier, stronger parent for my child, so that he had me around in a more positive way and didn't spend the rest of his life remembering me moaning about my old, awful parents, and me appearing like a "poor me" person. My child didn't deserve a childhood where he was lonely and ignored, as I had. Why repeat that pattern? Believe me, your daughter is watching you, learning from you, good or bad.

The fact that your dad barely thinks about your wife and child is so reflective of his selfish disorder.  If your dad had any iota of interest in your daughter it could be a win, win, but he doesn't seem to notice or really care about her, because he is so used to making everyone meet his needs. He is like this massive starving baby that never learned self-control or self-soothing.

My child is about to leave for college this week and I know that I would have felt a huge regret if I had allowed my parent's disorder to ruin my state of mind as I raised him, modelling to him unhealthy caretaking behaviour. I want to raise him to be free to have choices and have a good healthy life.

If you can't say no to your dad LIE! Make up outstanding lies that make you laugh. Say your house flooded. Say your roof blew off.  Say, I can't come on Wednesday dad because "daughter" is in a play,  or a sports game and you are the lines keeper.  Say you are getting medical tests for extreme fatigue and you can't get off the couch. Don't talk to your brother. And don't answer your phone. If your father calls the police, let them reprimand your dad for using their resources for no reason. Make this funny and not sad. You have to beat this mafia dad, for the sake of your own well being and your own family. Dad comes AFTER You, and Them.

You said at one point your wife might leave you. What if she does? What if your dad implodes your marriage! Get mad about that. He will be long gone soon enough, and your wife and daughter are there for the long haul, if you're lucky. Prioritize yourself and them.

[nanotech]

Last nights visit - think I did well again.

Hadn't even got in the door properly "I'm struggling....". Here we go again I thought.
So hes off telling me I'm ignoring him putting the shopping away. I come in sit down "did you see the cricket on TV?" But hes determined to get his point across that hes SO ILL.

To be honest, it was quite funny. He'd had a bit of a stomach upset and had been THREE TIMES in one morning so he called the doctor. I know, I know - if I eat too much garlic thats normal for me!
He was fine in the PM. Doctor refused to come out and hes had another "warning" from them. I just tried to see the funny side that he'd been just THREE times, convinced himself it was serious, and days later he still said "he feels so weak". Hasn't stopped eating mind.

I reminded him of when I had this sort of thing properly a year or so ago. Glastonbury music festival - I must have "gone" 150 times in the space of a week. I really didn't eat much either. I was doing a 25km walk up the moutains. (Pen Y Fan for those of u in the uk - its a decent mountain!) the weekend for charity. I didnt want to let anyone down so I did it. Bought some adult nappies/diapers lol. Really struggled but I did it - now I can safely say I was run down!
I reminded Dad that THREE squishy poos in 3 hours is not quite the same.

He was not amused that his life threatening poo was not taken seriously by anyone....

Also, he didnt even mention visiting the weekend!

Them and their poos!  I think my dad panics because if he has a poo it's a positive sign that he's healthy.
So when one doesn't appear, he straightaway thinks it's the first sign that he's dying. 
If it wasn't  for the pandemic he would have been at the hospital  a load of times this year, creating mayhem from nothing.
P123 I think in Wales the hospital services are better. They are onto your dad.
Here in England they seem to humour my dad. They've hinted to him at times that a lack of a poo one afternoon isn't serious, but my dad will list all the serious illnesses that it could be, then they relent and do the tests.
I think it is a good idea to see the funny side of it too. It is funny.

Just a thought as well. There's that mirroring thing you can do with someone disordered.
When they tell you something they've done or an experience they've had, you repeat it back to them.
This has the effect, for them, of some sort of validation, but in fact you have not agreed with them.
For example, he tells you his doctor story and you say ' ahhh ok so you said such and such and they said such and such and then you rang a taxi and came home.'
You just paraphrase back what they say but with the emotion removed.
It might stop him from going on and on. Then you might continue about the cricket or whatever.
I've done this both with my son (who we think may be on the spectrum ( mild autism) or possibly UNBPD ,and my dad too (UNPD). It worked for me.
It satisfied them and calmed them, and their emotional turmoil wasn't passed on to me.

They feel heard, but you are not enmeshed by it nor do you agree with them at any point.
You observe, you don't absorb ( thank you guitarman).

[p123]

Life threatening poo!  I love that.

My father would be thrilled to go three times in one hour.  He was convinced constipation would be the end of him. He would fake a head injury at the assisted living place just to be sent to the ER so he could tell them about his constipation.  (After 20 or so trips to the ER over constipation, the AL refused to send him anymore for that).

Yes have had that in the past too . And the fake head injuries....

[p123]

Last nights visit - think I did well again.

Hadn't even got in the door properly "I'm struggling....". Here we go again I thought.
So hes off telling me I'm ignoring him putting the shopping away. I come in sit down "did you see the cricket on TV?" But hes determined to get his point across that hes SO ILL.

To be honest, it was quite funny. He'd had a bit of a stomach upset and had been THREE TIMES in one morning so he called the doctor. I know, I know - if I eat too much garlic thats normal for me!
He was fine in the PM. Doctor refused to come out and hes had another "warning" from them. I just tried to see the funny side that he'd been just THREE times, convinced himself it was serious, and days later he still said "he feels so weak". Hasn't stopped eating mind.

I reminded him of when I had this sort of thing properly a year or so ago. Glastonbury music festival - I must have "gone" 150 times in the space of a week. I really didn't eat much either. I was doing a 25km walk up the moutains. (Pen Y Fan for those of u in the uk - its a decent mountain!) the weekend for charity. I didnt want to let anyone down so I did it. Bought some adult nappies/diapers lol. Really struggled but I did it - now I can safely say I was run down!
I reminded Dad that THREE squishy poos in 3 hours is not quite the same.

He was not amused that his life threatening poo was not taken seriously by anyone....

Also, he didnt even mention visiting the weekend!

Them and their poos!  I think my dad panics because if he has a poo it's a positive sign that he's healthy.
So when one doesn't appear, he straightaway thinks it's the first sign that he's dying. 
If it wasn't  for the pandemic he would have been at the hospital  a load of times this year, creating mayhem from nothing.
P123 I think in Wales the hospital services are better. They are onto your dad.
Here in England they seem to humour my dad. They've hinted to him at times that a lack of a poo one afternoon isn't serious, but my dad will list all the serious illnesses that it could be, then they relent and do the tests.
I think it is a good idea to see the funny side of it too. It is funny.

Just a thought as well. There's that mirroring thing you can do with someone disordered.
When they tell you something they've done or an experience they've had, you repeat it back to them.
This has the effect, for them, of some sort of validation, but in fact you have not agreed with them.
For example, he tells you his doctor story and you say ' ahhh ok so you said such and such and they said such and such and then you rang a taxi and came home.'
You just paraphrase back what they say but with the emotion removed.
It might stop him from going on and on. Then you might continue about the cricket or whatever.
I've done this both with my son (who we think may be on the spectrum ( mild autism) or possibly UNBPD ,and my dad too (UNPD). It worked for me.
It satisfied them and calmed them, and their emotional turmoil wasn't passed on to me.

They feel heard, but you are not enmeshed by it nor do you agree with them at any point.
You observe, you don't absorb ( thank you guitarman).

Can safely say hes had 5 things wrong with him in the last few weeks. Really.... I just sit there and go "yeah" right.
Given up now trying to tell him to stop phoning the GP, ambulances, or being rude to the District Nurse. They're adults and can deal with it - if they want to ban him, which I think will happen, then thats their problem and not mine,

I just change the subject now a  lot. "Yeah sounds bad, did you see the cricket?"

[Adrianna]

Last nights visit - think I did well again.

Hadn't even got in the door properly "I'm struggling....". Here we go again I thought.
So hes off telling me I'm ignoring him putting the shopping away. I come in sit down "did you see the cricket on TV?" But hes determined to get his point across that hes SO ILL.

To be honest, it was quite funny. He'd had a bit of a stomach upset and had been THREE TIMES in one morning so he called the doctor. I know, I know - if I eat too much garlic thats normal for me!
He was fine in the PM. Doctor refused to come out and hes had another "warning" from them. I just tried to see the funny side that he'd been just THREE times, convinced himself it was serious, and days later he still said "he feels so weak". Hasn't stopped eating mind.

I reminded him of when I had this sort of thing properly a year or so ago. Glastonbury music festival - I must have "gone" 150 times in the space of a week. I really didn't eat much either. I was doing a 25km walk up the moutains. (Pen Y Fan for those of u in the uk - its a decent mountain!) the weekend for charity. I didnt want to let anyone down so I did it. Bought some adult nappies/diapers lol. Really struggled but I did it - now I can safely say I was run down!
I reminded Dad that THREE squishy poos in 3 hours is not quite the same.

He was not amused that his life threatening poo was not taken seriously by anyone....

Also, he didnt even mention visiting the weekend!

Them and their poos!  I think my dad panics because if he has a poo it's a positive sign that he's healthy.
So when one doesn't appear, he straightaway thinks it's the first sign that he's dying. 
If it wasn't  for the pandemic he would have been at the hospital  a load of times this year, creating mayhem from nothing.
P123 I think in Wales the hospital services are better. They are onto your dad.
Here in England they seem to humour my dad. They've hinted to him at times that a lack of a poo one afternoon isn't serious, but my dad will list all the serious illnesses that it could be, then they relent and do the tests.
I think it is a good idea to see the funny side of it too. It is funny.

Just a thought as well. There's that mirroring thing you can do with someone disordered.
When they tell you something they've done or an experience they've had, you repeat it back to them.
This has the effect, for them, of some sort of validation, but in fact you have not agreed with them.
For example, he tells you his doctor story and you say ' ahhh ok so you said such and such and they said such and such and then you rang a taxi and came home.'
You just paraphrase back what they say but with the emotion removed.
It might stop him from going on and on. Then you might continue about the cricket or whatever.
I've done this both with my son (who we think may be on the spectrum ( mild autism) or possibly UNBPD ,and my dad too (UNPD). It worked for me.
It satisfied them and calmed them, and their emotional turmoil wasn't passed on to me.

They feel heard, but you are not enmeshed by it nor do you agree with them at any point.
You observe, you don't absorb ( thank you guitarman).

Can safely say hes had 5 things wrong with him in the last few weeks. Really.... I just sit there and go "yeah" right.
Given up now trying to tell him to stop phoning the GP, ambulances, or being rude to the District Nurse. They're adults and can deal with it - if they want to ban him, which I think will happen, then thats their problem and not mine,

I just change the subject now a  lot. "Yeah sounds bad, did you see the cricket?"

You're really doing well! Gray rock, short answers, change subject. Let the authorities deal with his drama as they see fit. Let the chips fall where they may. Don't get involved with his interactions with those folks. You'll be wasting your breath and only getting yourself frustrated.

I assume they've  got him figured out by now and I think all his antics will eventually land him a psychological and cognitive assessment.

[Starboard Song]

Hi there. Looks like it has been a great conversation.

Sadly, this thread has exceeded the forum max allowance of 5 pages and I am going to have to lock it up.
Please feel free to start and new thread and carry on!